Yet again...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Momiji, Feb 1, 2007.

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  1. Momiji

    Momiji New Member

    I've attempted suicide twice now, both times pills, I was sent to the psych hospital... It all started because my mother told me I wasn't "worth the water I drink". After that you kind of give up...

    My friends gave me an ear full at the hospital and for the first time in years I felt loved. Now its a few months afterwards and my mother and I keep fighting, she doesn't care. And if she does then she's doing a crappy job at showing it. After I came back my grades became horrid, I've stopped going to school, my best friend deserted me, and my mother told me yesterday that I had "no future so why bother"... Im afraid that I'll try again...I don't want to die but I can't help thinking its the only way to get out of this... Im seventeen I keep thinking that it will all pass but the thought isn't enough to keep me from thinking about it.... I feel like a fag for thinking about, and I feel horrible at saying that because I am gay. I know what you'll think, oh so thats the problem, but truth is one of the only things in my life I like about myself is the fact that I am gay...

    I don't want to move from the computer because Im afraid I'll do something stupid... I want to call the suicide hot line but I don't know what to say...

    There's so much I want to say... So much I want my mother to understand but I know she doesn't care she's to bussy making sure my little sister doesn't go in the same path her older sister and borther went on shes forgoten about me...

    Life sucks...
     
  2. lost in space

    lost in space Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that things are going so rough for you right now. You said " there's so much I want to say..." can you tell us what you want to say?

    The people at the hot lines will know what to say...all you need to do is call, they can be a great help.
     
  3. Momiji

    Momiji New Member

    I dont know how to put it in words...

    I want to tell my mom that it hurts when she acts like she doesnt care... I want her to know that everything Ive done since Ive come back from the hospital has been a cry of help... I want to tell my friends who think that what theyre wearing looks weird that theres more important things in life... I want to tell my ex best friend that Im sorry for our fight... and I want to tell my other ex best friend that I know he doesnt care about our friendship but that I'll always remember him and that I cared for him (not in that way)... I want to see my first love and tell him sorry for rejecting him... I want to tell people that Im not who they think I am... I want them to know that I lie to them every single day... I want them to know that Im not just their gay friend but that Im Jose! I want them to know that there is more to me than what they care to see... I want someone to call me and talk to me or hear all my random thoughts without judging.... I want to tell all my so call friends that my life isn't as great as they think...

    That made no sense... I started rambling as I kept on going...
     
  4. lost in space

    lost in space Well-Known Member

    I think you made a lot of sense. You are very insightful and have a depth of knowledge and feeling that many don't have. Your yearning for open truthful communication with your family and friends shows a great maturity. What would help you to share your feelings with them?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2007
  5. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Send your friend an email. Some things you can write better than speak.
    {like Hallmark or greeting cards}

    Would you want to write your mom a letter? Or call her on the phone and change your voice so she will not know its you, lol heehee. Sorry bad joke! Did the hospital give you aftercare or follow-up counseling?

    Sounds like your self-worth is at the bottom, thanks to role models that aren't. Do you have aunts or grandparents that can give you some support?
     
  6. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me like your mother is not very supportive. This is very sad because I can tell that you love her so so much. You seem like such an awesome kid just for posting what you did. I think it's cool that you're gay! :biggrin: I'm not gay myself, but gay people bring so much into this world. Where is your dad in all of this?
     
  7. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Yes Momiji,
    Life does sux!! But, you have a lot more together than you think. Hope we can help you more. Sometimes hearing/typing to our friends, rambling in words helps all of us.
     
  8. birdy

    birdy Well-Known Member

    hey mate
    i know exactly how u r feeling. im 16 myself, and have the same problems u have. just wanted to let u know that ur not alone in this world, no matter how dark it seems to be. and anyway: if 2 people are alone they are alone together :D
     
  9. Momiji

    Momiji New Member

    Thanks you guys....

    My dad left us when I wa slike 9... Im kind of happy about it cuz he use to beat up my mom (It was her choice to end it)... By court we're not allow to see him....

    As far as "family" goes they all side with my mom in the fact that Im a crazy kid who wants attention nothing more...

    As for both my friends the email does sound easy so I'll try that...

    Today however I have bigger problems... My mother and sister left he house, they havent been back and they don't pick up their phones... I can't go to school because my mom wont give me a ride 'cause she isnt here... I know she came here last night around 4am b/c the gate is open and it was closed when I went to bed... I can't go to work b/c she cant drive me to it so I keep calling her but she wont pick up... I texted her and she says my school councelor want to talk to me so I should call her... Now explain to me this if your son is fighting with u at the moment you know hes tried to kill himself twice under your watch what the hell makes her think that upsetting me right now isn't going to yield the same respon. Do you see what I mean she really doesn't care so why should i?
     
  10. Momiji

    Momiji New Member

    My mom just told me she's sending me to a Covenant House... Fraknly I want to go but Im scared....
     
  11. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    A new environment is going to be the best thing for you. When I was at the point you seem to be at now, I would have given anything to be able to go somewhere "safe" where I knew someone was going to take care of things for awhile.
     
  12. ero

    ero Member

    maybe some time away from home and some new faces that might see you as a human being will do you good. a new beginning is better than death believe me. it should also be less scary. be careful because life is a gift. take care of yourself and good luck.

    *huggles* because a hug is all it takes...
     
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