Hi I seem to have posted quite few threads lately as my life just spirals down and down. I battle suicide and SI seemingly on a minute by minute basis. I have decisions to make about returning to work on Monday. According to family, friends, pdoc - its all up to me as to what decision to make. I am tired of having to take responsibility. I know its my life but I wish I could crawl into a small space where all my decisions are made for me. I am so angry and I don't understand the anger.I so much want my body to be absolutely splattered, mauled - whatever. But what do I do? Well, I do what I have done tonight and take meds and continue to take them until they finally put me asleep. I have such a high tolerance I think I could raid a pharmacist and survive. Ironically the one thing that did put me out for a couple of days was chloryl hydrate - which was found in Anna Nicole Smith's toxicology. Unfortunately because I took to much once, now I can't have any.. So I continue to up the ante on the meds I have here. Yep, normal Saturday night - me, meds, knife. A friend gave me a magic wand after I said I needed one - my only wish is to die. :depressed Kaysha.