Yet again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xoCherie, Jun 21, 2012.

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  1. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    Yet again feel suicidal,almost did, walking back to course. If I'd taken one more step, I would've.

    I wonder what would happen if I went to the hospital and just stared at the receptionist. I don't have the energy, or the words, to say how I feel right now. I'll be home alone tonight, again. I don't know if I'd bother telling anyone this time. I had loose plans to go to someone's tonight, so I won't be alone, but I don't know if I have the energy to wait that long. That's over eight hours. I'm already feeling so utterly empty. Music isn't helping, being around people isn't helping, nothing that I've done is helping.
    The only words that come to mind are that I just feel so dead inside, I don't know what I'll do if I'm on my own. But my mind and body is screaming at me to be on my own.
    I'm not scared. I'm not anything.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 22, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there something that set this off again? I hope you do go out with people so that they will be there with you. Also, if you have a doctor or therapist, can you tell him/her about how you are feeling?
  3. Dying_Imp

    Dying_Imp Active Member

    Hi Cherie,
    Sorry you are feeling so bad again.
    Can you go back and read the really positive post that you put on your 5 pills thread and see how you felt last time?
    Are you able to ring someone for help (Dr, counsellor, helpline)?
    How about taking yourself to the hospital and just tell the receptionist that you feel like hurting yourself and they will take it from there.
    Hope you start to feel better soon.
  4. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    Nothing triggered those feelings this time, I don't think...everything was just too overwhelming for me. I've lost two of my mice now, and posted about it on Facebook, and had so called friends judging me, saying that I should never have gotten them in the first place if I don't even give two shits about them, and that made me so angry, it lasted over eighteen hours...the poem I wrote, "will you help me?" is based on those feelings, because I turned to cutting to try and disperse the hatred for myself. Because it was, it was pure, utter hatred at myself. I've never felt that angry before, and it was so, so scary...yesterday it just got too much, and my mind just suddenly cut it off and I went numb. Completely numb. I felt nothing. I thought I'd been the lowest I've ever been, but that was a whole new level. People would laugh and try to make me smile, and I'd just stare blankly back at them. My best friend at course pulled me aside and asked what was wrong, and I told her about the mice and ended up crying for a bit, but once my tears had dried I'd returned to the emptiness.
    When I had to go to the doctor, I showed him my cuts and he just said to not cancel my mental health appointment on Tuesday and sent me on my way. No cream or anything, even though they're still looking as fresh as they did on Sunday. They're taking ages to heal, and I told him my concerns, but he just brushed it aside and sent me off. On the train ride home I was just lying there, my feet up on the seat opposite me, music playing in my headphones that I didn't even register was playing, staring out the window for the whole half hour and just wondering what would happen if I got off at the next station and stood on the tracks in front of the next train.

    I've never reached out before, ever, and having to so much, and to so many random strangers, is getting too much. They have my files at the hospital but I still know I'd struggle to just even walk there, let alone tell the receptionist how I felt. It wasn't just an urge to harm myself, I literally was considering and planning different suicide methods. I didn't act on any, obviously, but they still fill my mind.
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