Yet another breakdown...help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CursedSoul, Nov 30, 2006.

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  1. CursedSoul

    CursedSoul Active Member

    I had been hanging out with some friends and I followed my "best"friend home. I told him good bye, and I went on my way. I was not going home, I was going on a little walk to think, straighten out my thoughts. That is when I saw it, that little bastard was following me, sneaking around behind my back. It was very dark outside so I started to run to get away from him. I ran on a narrow trail in the middle of the woods, not able to see anything infront of me, I just wanted to get away from him.

    I kept running and then it happened, the old feelings came back, those feelings that I have been able to supress for the last few months. The last time this happened I nearly killed myself, I was very very close.
    I haven't had a breakdown like this again until now. It all came pouring down on me, just like before. You see, I have a lot of problems about myself, I don't like myself at all for many reasons. I am not able to talk about it because I just can't it hurts too much. To give you a clue, social anxiety, love, appearance, no self esteem, no belief in myself, been bullied since I started school and so forth. These feelings are so strong that when they come out from hiding it renders me unable to move. I fell down by a tree in the middle of the wood, all dark around me. Just me, my mp3 player and the hurtful feelings. I cried, I cried so hard. I wanted to die right there, just wanted to end it all. The girl I love also has some problems, she understands me a bit, she sent me a text message saying something like "where are you? I am looking for you".

    I wanted to tell her exactly where I was, but I just couldn't ... I just sat there leaning towards a tree, drowning in my own tears. Shortly after I got another, "Where are you, I am running to you, tell me please". I managed to send back a message telling her that I was on a certain trail. Some time later she came, she told me "I love you, I want you to be here". She knows about my cutting and my suicidal thoughts, but she has never experienced one of my breakdowns. I had to struggle to tell her I loved her too, it was so hard to speak. After a while I got up, and we walked home... She saved me. If she hadn't found me I would still be out there, possibly trying to find a way to kill myself. My breakdowns are so horrible, I... can't think clearly , it's just too much.

    I was ready, I was ready to die when I was out there in the dark, cold forest. She saved me... I love her so much. My life is so complicated, very complicated. The girl I love having been abused at the most horrible way thinkable way. A good friend (girl) of us both cheated on her boyfriend (boy) a good friend of ours also with a guy that is friend with the guy that abused the girl i love and i hate her for it. The girl I am with and I want to go public, but we know that everyone will you talk shit to us. it's so hard everything. I hate it all.

    I don't know if what I've written makes sense because I haven't reread it and I am very sad right now... please help me...
     
  2. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    don't go romeo+jullieting...
    ..dual suicide wouldn't look that great and might even begin some sort of blood feud...(but what do i know..getting too much into the play..)

    ...your life does seem complicated...indeed..
    ..i'm curious as to why your friend decided to try and follow you...that's..odd. but given kids nowadays, it shouldn't be all-too-suprising.

    ..i'm glad you have such a friend in her...i hope she can continue to understand you and maybe even help you out of these breakdowns...perhaps quicker and quicker until they don't happen at all.. (wishful thinking..but eh, one can dream..)

    i hope you two can keep on keepin' on...and that you'll write some sort of follow-up here..saying how you're doing now and such...

    ..for any sort of help...all i can say is..if your own life isn't enough to live for..live for her's, too..you wouldn't want to leave her in such a void..would you..?
    (..wait..that might be guilting..um...nevermind me)

    //end comment
     
  3. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    So what if people will talk. You love each other, it's something they can never take. You can turn round and just say f*** you i love her. Obviously don't do it if your gonna get physical damage from idiots btw. It's weird but i think two people that are depressed can become very close and make each other happy, it's a beautiful thing. Don't let the opinions of desensitized idiots that are meant to be your friends govern your feelings.
    Never did like the ending of that play :rolleyes:
     
  4. CursedSoul

    CursedSoul Active Member

    She and I are really happy together... That is not what I am afraid of, the thing I am afraid of are my breakdowns... It is totally random where and when it happens. I am just glad there wasn't a knife lying around...

    I really love her... She is the reason I continue on living, every time she smiles it all seems worth it. I am very afraid that I will end up hurting her... She means everything to me... I want her to be happy again...

    So much can change in 1 months time...so much...
    I want to tell EVERYONE how I feel about her and that I love her to death. I want to tell it all the time, but I always end up looking down in the ground... My problems keeps me from living the life I want to live, and I am afraid I will drag her down with me...
     
  5. CursedSoul

    CursedSoul Active Member

    I am really afraid now... I don't want to have a breakdown again... Can anyone help me...What can I do ? I don't want to have any more of them!... :'(
     
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    If you are not on anti-depressants, get on them. It's just like 1 appointment and that's it.

    Otherwise, I know about breakdowns. They are hard to predict. The main thing you can do is to make a conscious decision when you are not emotional not to hurt yourself. Not just for you, but for your girlfriend. Think about how that would utterly destroy her. When you are in love, you are not only living for yourself. You have a higher purpose now. You have a responsibility.

    Also know that those who make fun of you or things like that are assholes, first of all, and second of all, do not give them the satisfaction of controlling your life or your emotions. Believe me, in a couple of years, nothing they could ever do or say will matter to you and you will be shocked that it ever did.

    For me, that realization cam when I went to college. In college, there are no losers or winners. There are just people. You find your real friends. Immature high-school bullshit just won't matter anymore. Don't let a very brief period in your life determine its outcome. Enjoy your good days and mourn your bad days and just move on. It gets so much better, trust me.
     
  7. CursedSoul

    CursedSoul Active Member

    thank you...
     
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