I had been hanging out with some friends and I followed my "best"friend home. I told him good bye, and I went on my way. I was not going home, I was going on a little walk to think, straighten out my thoughts. That is when I saw it, that little bastard was following me, sneaking around behind my back. It was very dark outside so I started to run to get away from him. I ran on a narrow trail in the middle of the woods, not able to see anything infront of me, I just wanted to get away from him.
I kept running and then it happened, the old feelings came back, those feelings that I have been able to supress for the last few months. The last time this happened I nearly killed myself, I was very very close.
I haven't had a breakdown like this again until now. It all came pouring down on me, just like before. You see, I have a lot of problems about myself, I don't like myself at all for many reasons. I am not able to talk about it because I just can't it hurts too much. To give you a clue, social anxiety, love, appearance, no self esteem, no belief in myself, been bullied since I started school and so forth. These feelings are so strong that when they come out from hiding it renders me unable to move. I fell down by a tree in the middle of the wood, all dark around me. Just me, my mp3 player and the hurtful feelings. I cried, I cried so hard. I wanted to die right there, just wanted to end it all. The girl I love also has some problems, she understands me a bit, she sent me a text message saying something like "where are you? I am looking for you".
I wanted to tell her exactly where I was, but I just couldn't ... I just sat there leaning towards a tree, drowning in my own tears. Shortly after I got another, "Where are you, I am running to you, tell me please". I managed to send back a message telling her that I was on a certain trail. Some time later she came, she told me "I love you, I want you to be here". She knows about my cutting and my suicidal thoughts, but she has never experienced one of my breakdowns. I had to struggle to tell her I loved her too, it was so hard to speak. After a while I got up, and we walked home... She saved me. If she hadn't found me I would still be out there, possibly trying to find a way to kill myself. My breakdowns are so horrible, I... can't think clearly , it's just too much.
I was ready, I was ready to die when I was out there in the dark, cold forest. She saved me... I love her so much. My life is so complicated, very complicated. The girl I love having been abused at the most horrible way thinkable way. A good friend (girl) of us both cheated on her boyfriend (boy) a good friend of ours also with a guy that is friend with the guy that abused the girl i love and i hate her for it. The girl I am with and I want to go public, but we know that everyone will you talk shit to us. it's so hard everything. I hate it all.
I don't know if what I've written makes sense because I haven't reread it and I am very sad right now... please help me...
I kept running and then it happened, the old feelings came back, those feelings that I have been able to supress for the last few months. The last time this happened I nearly killed myself, I was very very close.
I haven't had a breakdown like this again until now. It all came pouring down on me, just like before. You see, I have a lot of problems about myself, I don't like myself at all for many reasons. I am not able to talk about it because I just can't it hurts too much. To give you a clue, social anxiety, love, appearance, no self esteem, no belief in myself, been bullied since I started school and so forth. These feelings are so strong that when they come out from hiding it renders me unable to move. I fell down by a tree in the middle of the wood, all dark around me. Just me, my mp3 player and the hurtful feelings. I cried, I cried so hard. I wanted to die right there, just wanted to end it all. The girl I love also has some problems, she understands me a bit, she sent me a text message saying something like "where are you? I am looking for you".
I wanted to tell her exactly where I was, but I just couldn't ... I just sat there leaning towards a tree, drowning in my own tears. Shortly after I got another, "Where are you, I am running to you, tell me please". I managed to send back a message telling her that I was on a certain trail. Some time later she came, she told me "I love you, I want you to be here". She knows about my cutting and my suicidal thoughts, but she has never experienced one of my breakdowns. I had to struggle to tell her I loved her too, it was so hard to speak. After a while I got up, and we walked home... She saved me. If she hadn't found me I would still be out there, possibly trying to find a way to kill myself. My breakdowns are so horrible, I... can't think clearly , it's just too much.
I was ready, I was ready to die when I was out there in the dark, cold forest. She saved me... I love her so much. My life is so complicated, very complicated. The girl I love having been abused at the most horrible way thinkable way. A good friend (girl) of us both cheated on her boyfriend (boy) a good friend of ours also with a guy that is friend with the guy that abused the girl i love and i hate her for it. The girl I am with and I want to go public, but we know that everyone will you talk shit to us. it's so hard everything. I hate it all.
I don't know if what I've written makes sense because I haven't reread it and I am very sad right now... please help me...
