Yet another cliche

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anhedonia, May 1, 2009.

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  1. anhedonia

    anhedonia Member

    Not sure why I decided to post here. I've been mostly at the "how to do it (suicide) right" forums of late.

    I've been having bouts of depression for about a decade, some worse than others. And right now, I'm in the middle of one of the worst I've had in a while. I've been on therapy for years now, and I've had so many different regimens of medication - which I've tried to follow as much as possible.

    My psychiatrist has been asking me to consider being warded for the past couple of weeks. But I think while his intentions are good, we are at cross purposes because I'm not interested in short term solutions anymore. To me, if it's true that it really is going to be like this forever- the constant implosions of excruciating pain based on absolutely nothing - then I really don't see the point.

    Theoretically, I have many things to live for. There are many things I'd like to do with my life, but if this debilitating illness can never go away, I won't be able to do any of these anyway.

    And I don't think I'm being irrational about this. Like most people here, I've had suicidal thoughts over the years. But the past few weeks, I become as serious as I've ever been about it. I don't want to hurt family and friends who care - I mean I appreciate it, and I know I'm lucky to have people who care. But I can't live for the sake of other people anymore. I've given this a good go I think - so I think it's only fair that I should be allowed to do what's best for me.

    Life really shouldn't be this hard. It's just too much. I just can't, not anymore. I've tried, believe me, I have. I know it's weak, but maybe that's just what I am. Weak.

    The only thing holding me back now is a fear of hell. I'm just trying to get over that one hump. I just wish so badly that I were dead.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are feeling this awful...not sure where you got the theory of life, but I have found that living life is hard, messy, unpredictable, and I am very yourself, I had been in treatment for yrs, on meds for a while, and then one day, "I got it"...I do my best; I am very very flawed; No one is going to give me exactly what I want; everything is temporary; and I have a choice how to perceive all of this...I still hurt badly sometimes, but I know the love and caring that is there for me now...I feel so much less shame and so much more worth...perception...priceless! all the best, J
  3. anhedonia

    anhedonia Member

    Thanks for the reply, it's nice to know someone else understands.

    But I dunno, I kinda think that life shouldn't be so hard and so difficult and so painful. I don't want to feel so awful anymore. And for these bouts to come sporadically - though I guess there are always triggers. But you know what? Like you said, life is tough. So there will always be triggers. So if that means I'm going to be in this horrible rut every now and then forever, then I don't know whether it's worth it or not, kwim?
  4. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I can relate to everything you say very well. I feel like you, I've tried so hard and maybe it's just realistic to think that this is it, you aren't meant for life. Obviously, I don't have any answers or anything that may give insight, otherwise, I'd be able to help myself and not be in this state.

    I know that you see all the great things about your life, but it's hard to use those blessings as a reason to live when you are struggling. It even pisses me off when people say things like you have this or that, most people don't so you are lucky. If that were the case, if these blessings that I have but other people do not are so great, why is it that living is torture for me but not them? Inevitably, I start thinking about how much worse I'd feel if I didn't have those blessings. One doctor said that there are a lot of people that are paralysed and in wheelchairs, but seeing how someone else isn't as lucky doesn't help matters any. I don't think you have a problem with feeling grateful for the things you have.

    I definitely can't say that life is worth living, I'm a Hindu and life is supposed to be pain and suffering!! I can say this, killing yourself is a really hard thing to do and with most people I meet that are suicidal, I can't blame them for feeling the way they do. I can say I can say that for every moment that these people chose to stay alive and were a part of my life, I was blessed. Hard times were survive-able. Even though I can't tell you that you wanting to die isn't justified, I can say that your presence is a good thing and if you manage to get to a place where death doesn't call to you so strongly, there will always be people who are happy that you are alive. There will always be miserable people like me in need of a friend like you--a friend that understands emotions that very few people understand. I think life is worth the pain if you can find the counter-balance good stuff that makes the pain part worth the rewards, does that make sense? i guess that's my struggle, finding reasons to justify the pain of wishing that I weren't alive, making this pain worth living through, and eventually, maybe that pain itself will lesson as more and more positive things come in my life. Right now, I don't think that's possible for me and it is so much easier to see greatness in others, but at the same time, there is this hidden acknowledgement that no one should suffer what you feel and that I really don't want to see you die, even though we've only met online in a forum.
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