Not sure why I decided to post here. I've been mostly at the "how to do it (suicide) right" forums of late. I've been having bouts of depression for about a decade, some worse than others. And right now, I'm in the middle of one of the worst I've had in a while. I've been on therapy for years now, and I've had so many different regimens of medication - which I've tried to follow as much as possible. My psychiatrist has been asking me to consider being warded for the past couple of weeks. But I think while his intentions are good, we are at cross purposes because I'm not interested in short term solutions anymore. To me, if it's true that it really is going to be like this forever- the constant implosions of excruciating pain based on absolutely nothing - then I really don't see the point. Theoretically, I have many things to live for. There are many things I'd like to do with my life, but if this debilitating illness can never go away, I won't be able to do any of these anyway. And I don't think I'm being irrational about this. Like most people here, I've had suicidal thoughts over the years. But the past few weeks, I become as serious as I've ever been about it. I don't want to hurt family and friends who care - I mean I appreciate it, and I know I'm lucky to have people who care. But I can't live for the sake of other people anymore. I've given this a good go I think - so I think it's only fair that I should be allowed to do what's best for me. Life really shouldn't be this hard. It's just too much. I just can't, not anymore. I've tried, believe me, I have. I know it's weak, but maybe that's just what I am. Weak. The only thing holding me back now is a fear of hell. I'm just trying to get over that one hump. I just wish so badly that I were dead.