Yet another person with a hole in their soul

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MonikaM, Feb 16, 2010.

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  1. MonikaM

    MonikaM Member

    Hello everyone,

    I just found this forum today after probably about 6 weeks of suicidal thoughts. I have had depression for 15 years (I am almost 30) and it comes on really really badly and then can fade away for a few months at a time. Have never attempted to kill myself because I don't really want to die. Just want to stop the pain.

    At these times I feel scared to be happy, I feel afraid to smile because I know the crash will be even further if I allow myself to go into complete happiness.

    Have been to my doctor recently who gave me a list of psychologists and sent me on my way. I can't afford to visit any of them. Was on paxil for 6 years but it made me mute and numb. It ruined my relationship and made me double in weight (another reason to feel horrible that I didn't need).

    Honestly I don't even wish I were dead, I wish there were an end to hurting. I've got a chronic pain disorder and constantly I am sick or unable to walk properly. Studying at university and working full time makes me really busy, I have to do this so I have no time to think but when I get home and lay in bed at night, my insides hurt and I cry myself to sleep every night. I wish I could just fold myself in half over and over until I become so small that I dissolve.

    I feel really sad reading all your stories and seeing how young some of you are. I wish I could say that depression can be cured but for myself so far, it has been re-occuring. There's always another darkness around the corner. I really hope that this won't be the case for you.

    I have a great partner, a job my friends wish they had and nothing to really be sad about. But here it sits, inside me lurking and waiting to grab my body and hold me in a tight grip. The thoughts are once again leaking into my every hour having no escape from my mind but to circle relentlessly, gaining strength.

    I've NEVER really told anyone how I feel about this. I'm worried they will think I am just seeking attention. Just keep on doing a fake smile to friends, relatives, customers, the public but hiding sadness behind my eyes.

    Not sure what I even want by posting here. Hope you guys start to feel better soon and realise that if today is seriously shit, tomorrow can only be better. I try to tell myself this.
  2. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i kind of wonder about this myself. i sometimes think i don't want to die, i just want to stop hurting. then there are times where i REALLY want to die and just be done. i don't know which one is the real deal.

    there are times that depression just reaches into my chest and squeezes my insides so hard they physically hurt. i can't breath well, i feel like my heart may explode. other times i'm just so numb and oblivious i don't really feel anything.

    i too fear that my friends and or family will just see this as attention seeking behavior. so i fake my way through the day. although lately i've been deliberately avoiding social interactions as much as possible. i just don't have the energy to pretend everything is fine anymore.

    one of the people i would normally tell about this sort of stuff just went through a bad spell herself. a friend of hers ended his life right before christmas. she and my other lifelong friend both are so angry at him. they go on and on about how selfish suicide is. meanwhile i sit there and listen and die a little more inside.

    the person i am probably closest to i can't tell about this. he's part of my problem and anything i tell him would be suspect. he'd feel like i was blaming him, even though i'm not (although i don't completely absolve him of his contributions to my current state). or he'd tell me to just be happy, like him. just make a choice. or better yet mock me for not being as strong as him.

    the one person i have told about this suffers from major depression and suicidal thoughts as well. we are old friends but don't see much of each other anymore. we talk sometimes and openly but it doesn't seem to do either of us any good.

    sorry to be such a ray of sunshine but a few things you said resonated with me.
  3. MonikaM

    MonikaM Member

    :) I just ACTUALLY smiled. I think talking to people who feel as shit as you in a "positive" way can actually be helpful.

    I know the exact feeling you describe.. having your chest just tightened around you and you can't breathe, your deepest inside feelings are just of hurting. These are the times where I wish I could just disappear. I can't even look at the night sky anymore because it makes me wish I were gone. It reminds me how worthless and insignificant I feel in this world when we are just one tiny planet amongst billions of stars. I avoid it... Sometimes I do it just to feel something though and wonder if other people are looking there thinking the same thing.

    My father is a now convicted pedophile that assaulted myself and both of my sisters from a young age. (one of my sisters is gone now, she took her own life) My family never really dealt with that. They just don't talk about it or treat us like it is our fault. Most of my siblings are depressed drug addicts (I come from a big family). My childhood was spent in a state of paralysed fear, I wouldn't speak for several years in school due to absolute fear. I would run to the girls toilet during break times and hide in a locked cubicle. Considering this I am surprised I can maintain the facade of normality so well. Laughing and smiling, joking with customers and pretending to care about stuff my workmates are talking about..

    I have one friend who randomly will message me or call me when I am thinking stupid thoughts (how to's etc) it is like he knows. I don't really talk about it to him but we met on a website similar to this about 10 years ago. We lived together for awhile (platonic he's gay) and he moved to my city so we could be closer together, I gave him a new life by helping him get a job and moving out of home finally. I could probably tell him about it but he would also mock me as that is how he deals with anything.

    The thing that disturbs me most is that this is re-occuring. There was a period from about 22-24 where I thought it was gone but then a few incidents happened and I was in really bad situations. It hasn't really left me again since then.

    I've been to psychotherapy and cognitive behavioural therapy, countless counsellors but I feel like this still. The pain in my body seems to feed the pain in my heart too. When it flares up, the thoughts are more frequent and more extreme.

    What a f**king sob story...... :rolleyes: I appreciate you replying. I've been sitting at the computer trying to write an essay for hours with tears just running down my face.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey welcome to SF glad you posted lets the pain out a bit Lots of support here okay keep venting posting it really helps take care nice you joined us
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey MonikaM,
    Welcome to the forums.. It sounds as if you are in deep depression..You should go back to your pdoc and tell him you are in a funk so bad that it is controlling your life.. There are other meds he can try..It took my pdoc a couple of years before they finally found the right regimine of meds that help keep me stable..I'm on seven different meds but thats what it took to help me..Give it another try and be honest with him and don't hold back..When you tell him about the suicidal thoughts, tell him right now thats just what they are thoughts.. Your not acting on them..Otherwise you will find yourself in the hospital phsyc ward..I wish you the best..The phsyc ward isn't that bad just take a book because it is boreing..
  6. Desmond

    Desmond Member

    Monika M hi i hope you find something you need from this forum. i wanted to reply as i have experienced the paedophile family members and molestation and just wanted to offer my ear to talk to anytime if you ever wish to chat please pm if you would prefer.

    I came here yesterday myself as i couldnt see myself living past last night without talking to someone and thankfully i came on and straight away there were people here who understood and who had similar problems. Made me have the slightest hope there was something even such a small hope as that kept me here.
  7. MonikaM

    MonikaM Member

    Thanks, I am glad you feel the same. I honestly couldn't wait to get home from work/uni and check this forum again and talk to you guys. I'll pm you.

    Thanks for your reply. I honestly don't think meds are the answer for me (but totally understand anyone else that does use them/need them). I wish I could believe that taking them wouldn't make things worse. I think I just need a psychologist.. tried to call some today to make appointments and it was all over a month wait and up to $200 for a consult. We have some thing here that is free I think so I need to ask him about that. I also have to wait around a month just to see my doctor... not that great if you ask me, you won't be sick by the time you see him.
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