Yet another Rant

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Scum, Mar 30, 2007.

  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I hate it, I really do.

    They keep my going. Keep me alive.

    I need to see them, hold them, touch them, be with them.

    they make me smile.

    BUT NO!

    Can't bring them in because of the stupid fucking cat we have adopted

    Yes the cat is cute and whatever, but if it's going to bring home parasites and other crap like that it's not right.

    I need to move out, but how the bloody fuck am I going to manage that. Signed off sick, barely any income. Not enough to get a house and maintain it. It's not practical or feasible.

    I hate it here.

    It's making me fucking worse.

    Keeping me apart from my friends.

    Might as well have had that 6 month IP treatment.

    I hate it!

    I want to stand and scream!

    THEY KILLED MY LOOM!

    I CAN'T LET THEM KILL ANYONE ELSE, yet my parents are not overly bothered, don't seem willing to do much (all the things that we have done have come from me, me buying the stuff, me pushing to get things done).

    I just want to go, and take my friends and go somewhere clean and safe, but I have no where to go.

    So they are stuck where they are, I can't get them, and nothing productivve is being done to make things any better. I personally can't do much more than I already have.

    We didn't need a bloody cat. You started feeding it. Fine, then it started coming in the house. It's a stray, it's gonna have 'things' living on it, and it fucking shared them with your home. You still allowed this cat in even though I am fucking allergic.

    It shared its 'things' with your house, and must have been doing so for a good few years before I realised. At leasty two definitely, but before that too I am sure. It was only through the bond I have with mine that showed me that you had a problem.

    You still didn't do anything, even when we found them again you didn't do anything. It took a death of a loved one to get your arse into gear.

    I AM NOT GOING TO LOSE ANYONE ELSE TO THIS!

    so I have to keep them all separate.

    I miss them. I used to spend all day everyday with them, now I see them through glass, or fleetingly in the morning. I can't go outside and spend time there, they can't come in.

    You have separated me from beings that I need to be with. The only ones that give a fucking damn about me.

    It's killing me. I hate it. I feel so bad. I no longer see anything positive at all. What's the point in breeding, I can't get to know them. What's the point in having any! What's the point in fighting. What's the point in being alive when I can't spend time with my reason to live. What's the fucking point.

    Hurry up and fucking get it over with!
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    cant handle it cant handle it cant handle it cnat handlt it cant handle it cant handle it cant handle it cant handle it cant handle it cant handle it cant ahdnle it cant ahdnle it cant handle it cant handly it cant ahndle it cant ahdnle it cant ahndle it cant ahdnel it cant ahdmle it cant ahdnle ti cant handle it cant ahndle it cnt ahdmle ti cant ahdnel ti cant ahdnel ti cant ahndle it cant ahdnle ti cant ahdnel it cant ahdnale it cnat ahdanelt it cant ahdmle it cant ahdnle ti cant handle it cant ahndle it cant handle it cant ahdnle ti cant ahndle it cant ahdnel ti cant handle ti cant ahndle it cant ahdnle ti cant ahdnale it cant ahdnel ti cant ahdnel it cant ahdnel it cant ahdnle it cant ahdnel ti cant ahndle it cant hdanle it cant ahdnle it cant handlt it cant handle it cant ahdnel ti cant ahdnel ti cant handle it cant ahdnelt i cant ahdnmel ti cant handle it

    fuck painc attck
     
  3. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: I'm sorry you feel so awful. I hope venting made you feel better. I'm here if you need to talk. I hope you're ok, hun. :hug:
     
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    :hug: thanks, and thanks for coming into the room and trying to talk to me, I was busy writing that post, which is why I didn't reply. Sorry about that.

    I'll be fine, thanks, I always am.

    Good to see you about again, hope things are ok for you

    :hug:

    Take care of yourself
     
  5. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are ok... :) And it's good seeing you and the rest of the forum too. :) :hug: I'm always here if you want to talk, hun. :) :hug:
     
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I FUCKING HATE GRIEF!

    I FUCING HATE IT!

    i want to rememebr the good times, the lauhgs, everything good, but can i? NO, i fucking cant because anytime i think about her i just cry because i miss ehr so much adn then i get flashbacks about her death and guilt becasue it was my fualt.

    i want to remember her as she was. i want to remember him as he was

    i look round my room, see the photos, want to rememrbt eh good time,s but i feel nothign and then i cry. at least i manaeged to get dressed properpyl; through the tears today.

    i dont want to cry all day everyday, pass each day with a blur of cutting and crying and trying to pretend when people are home that evferuthng is fine

    i really want to actually be fine, sure miss those i lost, but not be this crying cutting mess

    but ahving said that im enjoying the cutting, the gaping is great, the tendon is pretty, t he blood is brilliant. its my slow death. i can change my mind if i want, but at the mo i am working to kill msyelf.

    cant live like this cant stay like this just want it to end. trying to hep people before i die, but strugllign even to talk to anyone. you cant help people that way. im failing.

    i dont want to be this wqy but there is no hep out there to be better. im stuck like this. and thats what the most recent psych told me. gives me hope, right? sure.

    i cant dela with wthis anymore. anymore crap. im tired. i could hardly get up today. im so so tired this is totally taking it out of me and draining me. im so tired. heavy. wallowing.

    i fucking hate wallowing, but i dont want to. like i said i want to rmemebr the good things. i want to laugh at the funny things. but all i do is cry. i dont want to cry anymore. i want remember the good. the good the good. but why cant i i cant even remember anything good. just flashbacks and tears. it makes me feel sick,. i feel like im suffocaitng.

    suffocaitng on grief
     
  7. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :thatsit: zaps greif for ya. but seriously, just keep letting it out til it's all out. When we leave stuff like that to build up it makes it a hundered times worse down the road. :hug:
     
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I know. This is the problem thoug, I sm blocking it out, the crying is probably not even grief related becasue i wa doing that ebfore she died.

    Urgh, its all a mess, but thanks for the reply honey
     
  9. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Do you need to talk hun? I'm here if you wanna talk, ok? :hug:
     
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks, i just needed to vent. i have nothing to say and the idea of talking totally freaks me out, lol.

    But thnaks for the offer. its much appreciated. :hug:
     
  11. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Ok, anytime. The offer still stands.
     
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Right back at you missy
     
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You. You can trigger me so easily. Make me feel awful. Remind me that I get no help. Make me feel worthless.

    I hate it sometimes I really do. Spend a lot of time there, but hate it sometimes nonetheless.

    Want to help people, not be made to feel worse than I already do. Congratulations, you are doing a grand job.

    Then someone comes along, makes digs, makes me feel worse. No welcome.

    Alone.

    alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone

    FORVER!

    And you know what?

    I will constantly check out those that make me feel worthless.

    Why?

    Because at least they tell the truth.

    I am worthless.
     
  14. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Oooooooo... Oooooooo... Oooo... Oooo... Oooo...
    Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high,
    And the dreams that you dreamed of, Once in a lullaby.
    Oh, somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly,
    And the dreams that you dreamed of, Dreams really do come true.
    Someday, I'll wish upon a star,
    Wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
    Where trouble melts like lemon drops,
    High above the chimney top,
    That's where you'll find me.

    Oh, somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly,
    And the dreams that you dare to. Oh why, oh why can't I?

    Well, I see trees of green and red roses too,
    I'll watch them bloom for me and you.
    And I think to myself: What a wonderful world!

    Well, I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white,
    And the brightness of day.
    I like the dark and I think to myself:
    What a wonderful world!

    The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,
    Are also on the faces of people passing by.
    I see friends shaking hands, saying, "How do you do?"
    They're really saying, " I...I love you!"

    I hear babies cry, and I watch them grow,
    They'll learn much more than we'll know.
    And I think to myself: What a wonderful world!

    Someday, I'll wish upon a star,
    Wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
    Where trouble melts like lemon drops,
    High above the chimney top,
    That's where you'll find me.

    Oh, somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
    And the dreams that you dare to, Oh why, oh why can't I..?

    Goodbye darling.

    I hope this works and soon we will be together again.

    I'm sorry for everything and I love you with all my heart.

    Fly free, Play free, Be free

    I'll come find you​