Yet Another Relapse...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by IDeclareLife, Jan 2, 2015.

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  1. IDeclareLife

    IDeclareLife New Member

    BIG TRIGGER WARNING by the way, so yeah..

    I don't know if my life has been degrading, or everyone's life around me is getting better. I managed to make it over a year without and SI but it seems that in the back of my head, I knew a day was going to come where I couldn't take it anymore. After finding out that my 3 friends are all getting engaged, my mums "New Year Resolution" is to divorce my dad and the thoughts of mass amount of coursework and re-dos of coursework when I go back to college, I just lost it completely.

    I just took all the anger out on myself, got real drunk and just lashed out on myself. The cuts were not too deep but still bled. Regardless, they're down both my arms and the top of my thigh so that's pretty bad in itself. Its been such a long time where I've felt like this, where I don't want to die but I don't care if I did. Where I wouldn't jump off a building, but wouldn't resist if someone pushed me. I'm ashamed of my self that I relapsed again. I thought that after 4 years, I could finally sort myself out and get back on my feet but every year the urge gets worse and worse to the point where I just breakdown and go though the same cycle year after year, sick to my stomach of my actions.

    I always see advice of talking to your parents, but my parents have no sympathy for any of it. When I was younger, I used to get abused and every time I would cry id get hit again, so as the abuse began to lessen a bit I'm forced to keep any negative emotions to myself unless I want it to happen again. Ive never been caught with my scars of cuts somehow considering how long it's been, but my parents have always have their suspicions and tease me with them, which only fuels my temptations. If I was to get caught, then it's basically the entire family rejecting you forever, ignoring your existence. It's happened to my uncle and my cousin so I know there isn't any hidden lies.

    Back on track, I would ask my friends about it, but most of my friends have never experienced anything like I am right now, so there isn't much advice to go round. I do have one friend which has gone through the same stuff I have, but I've never told him about me fully as I'm scared he will change his image of me. In general, I can mask my emotions quite well to fool most people. He's also getting engaged, so at this moment in time I personally don't think it's appropriate.

    I've never been officially been diagnosed with any disorders, but that's mainly because if my parents found out they would tell the whole family, which is something I don't need. I know I'm depressed and have anxiety but I don't know how bad. There are probably some other disorders as well most likely.

    So basically, I'm at a all time low with little support to find and nothing to calm myself with except the blade I'm wielding. Anyone have any tips?

    Thanks. (P.S, I was kinda venting, as this is the first time I've talked about my problems).
  2. KaRue

    KaRue Member

    I know how hard this is, being stuck between a rock and a hard place. You can't burden your friends, but your parents aren't willing to talk to you. I understand that, I really do.

    There is a bright side though. There are some things you can do to maybe make it a little bit easier on yourself.

    I have found that my suicidal thoughts and self-harming urges get stronger when I am not actively doing something. Even free writing about a cat can help alleviate some of these feelings. By giving yourself even a short break from these thought, it can improve your psyche, and thus make it easier to fight those urges when they come at you in full swing.

    Something I do in my spare time that helps me deal with stress is a hobby I call Geocaching. It is a high-tech treasure hunting game that uses GPS technology to find hidden containers. And, if you have a Smartphone, then there is an app called the IntroApp that is completely free. It helps you find Geocaches nearby. This is a great way to get out of the house, de-stressify, and just get some fresh air in general.

    The last bit of advice I'm going to give you is about talking to someone. Based on your verbiage, and how you talked about your home life, I'm going to assume that you're in your late high school years. At your high school, there is a counselor whose job it is to help students who are having a hard time. Try talking to yours to see what they say, or asking them if they know someone you can talk to about what you're going through. Ask them to keep it confidential beforehand, but talking to someone who can help you is one of the best ways to help kick depression and self mutilation.

    Stay strong, you can do this! Hang in there little fighter, things will get brighter.
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