BIG TRIGGER WARNING by the way, so yeah.. I don't know if my life has been degrading, or everyone's life around me is getting better. I managed to make it over a year without and SI but it seems that in the back of my head, I knew a day was going to come where I couldn't take it anymore. After finding out that my 3 friends are all getting engaged, my mums "New Year Resolution" is to divorce my dad and the thoughts of mass amount of coursework and re-dos of coursework when I go back to college, I just lost it completely. I just took all the anger out on myself, got real drunk and just lashed out on myself. The cuts were not too deep but still bled. Regardless, they're down both my arms and the top of my thigh so that's pretty bad in itself. Its been such a long time where I've felt like this, where I don't want to die but I don't care if I did. Where I wouldn't jump off a building, but wouldn't resist if someone pushed me. I'm ashamed of my self that I relapsed again. I thought that after 4 years, I could finally sort myself out and get back on my feet but every year the urge gets worse and worse to the point where I just breakdown and go though the same cycle year after year, sick to my stomach of my actions. I always see advice of talking to your parents, but my parents have no sympathy for any of it. When I was younger, I used to get abused and every time I would cry id get hit again, so as the abuse began to lessen a bit I'm forced to keep any negative emotions to myself unless I want it to happen again. Ive never been caught with my scars of cuts somehow considering how long it's been, but my parents have always have their suspicions and tease me with them, which only fuels my temptations. If I was to get caught, then it's basically the entire family rejecting you forever, ignoring your existence. It's happened to my uncle and my cousin so I know there isn't any hidden lies. Back on track, I would ask my friends about it, but most of my friends have never experienced anything like I am right now, so there isn't much advice to go round. I do have one friend which has gone through the same stuff I have, but I've never told him about me fully as I'm scared he will change his image of me. In general, I can mask my emotions quite well to fool most people. He's also getting engaged, so at this moment in time I personally don't think it's appropriate. I've never been officially been diagnosed with any disorders, but that's mainly because if my parents found out they would tell the whole family, which is something I don't need. I know I'm depressed and have anxiety but I don't know how bad. There are probably some other disorders as well most likely. So basically, I'm at a all time low with little support to find and nothing to calm myself with except the blade I'm wielding. Anyone have any tips? Thanks. (P.S, I was kinda venting, as this is the first time I've talked about my problems).