so i dont know what to do. Am upset, but have to hide my feelings a lot. Its frustrating but the best way i think. That special someone is in pain again and I dont know what to do. Its hard to see, to experience and I withdraw. I cant handle it. Its awful, I feel awful. I mean I'm here to get whatever is needed but I can't stand it too. I want out so bad so I don't experience this, but I can't do that. I'm not the one with the illness - how could someone with any compassion have the thoughts that I have? I feel guilty if I try to do something for me, I feel like I am letting them down and sometimes I think they make me feel that way on purpose. As crazy as that sounds. I don't like this at all, am so tearful. Wish I could be as strong as I project to others. I don't know how to get through this. It just highlights what a highwire we are living and balancing on. All of this treatment could be for nothing. So, are the thoughts of "getting out" some form of unconscious relief for me? Who is there for me? no one. This is hard, so hard.