"You Are Waiting for A Train..."

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ziploc_bag, Aug 25, 2011.

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  1. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Active Member

    I'm usually good at listening for the train. I know when it is coming. I like to listen for it because I love trains. I think they are really cool. Big, powerful, amazing machines. I love them because they are scary. I am fascinated by them.

    About 10 minutes ago the train came by, like it does some late nights, and I happened to be outside. Lucky me, I love watching the train go by. But earlier tonight I had decided that if the train came by, I wonder what I would do. I wonder what I could do.

    Strangely enough, the train did go by tonight. But I didn't hear it coming long before it came, like I usually do. All I heard were the bells of the crossing signs, and then the train started barreling down the tracks. I'm sitting at an outdoor table next to a building where I can get wifi. I'm about 50 or so feet from tracks. They are freight train tracks.

    I considered it for a second but was too scared to move from my chair, because the train was coming way quicker than it normally does. It usually crawls through town about 10 mph, but tonight it was going at leas 30 mph.

    I don't know why it was going that fast tonight, but it scared the sh!t out of me. Which, I suppose, is a good thing, considering.


    Long story short, I am overwhelmed again.

    Far away friends,
    farther away memories, long gone
    you cannot go back to the past.

    the future looks bleak. Both my own and that of my country and this world.

    all of the wonderful things i had planned for myself, i am not sure I can do.

    i could be something great, but i am nothing.

    my colleagues are all changing the world,
    I am left behind.

    everything is falling apart

    my father will likely die soon of old age. I love him so much.

    I am terrified of suffering. I want it to be painless, and I want to either enter an oblivion without consciousness, or I want to be surrounded by love, in a perfect place, with loved ones.

    I do not believe in religious nonsense. This is not why I am depressed, so I don't want any of those types of comments.

    I am so hopeless when normally I am the one inspiring people.

    If only they knew what a sham I was, and how useless I actually am. And how little I do, and how everything I do is to benefit myself. I am a phony, I am nothing great, I am full of sh!t and that is how I will forever be.

    I could be something great

    but I am miserable forever.

    but oh, if dying could give me a reprieve...if only, if only.
  2. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Active Member

    If it comes back, should i or shouldnt i
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I hope you call the police or other emergency authorities to tell them the truth about how you're feeling. Stay safe. :hug: with care, Mr. A
  4. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Active Member

    My life would get so much more worse if I called them.

    I've been in the hospital once, but it wasnt for something like this. my mother complained about how much it costed us for years, never stopped complaining. essentially blamed me for it. my father treated me like there was something wrong with me.

    no one understands depression. everyone freaks out. my career would be in jeopardy. crazy people cant do this job, people freak out.

    everything will get terrible if I do that.
  5. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni


    Where I live in the United States, if you are court-ordered (involuntarily committed aka sectioned - for example, someone is deemed a threat to himself and/or others), the court or your insurance company has to pay all the hospitalization costs.

    It's also relevant here to note that I'm young and can't relate with many here as well as I would like. I'm here listening, and I guess that's all I can do. :hug: Sometimes, it's new territory for me.
  6. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Active Member

    i dont have insurance

    i feel like i am making everyone sick of me. I wish my friends would ignore me. then i wouldnt hurt them when i talk about these things
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    If you're court ordered, you don't need insurance in the USA (at least in the South where I live). The court will pay it all. At least, that's how I understand it from what happened earlier this year when I was court-ordered.

    Gah.. I hate sounding like a broken record.. don't want to sound redundant, sorry if I seem like that right now.. I do wonder if you've considered speaking to others about this (not necessarily professionals, just people IRL not on this site). :hug:


    Mr. A
  8. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Active Member

    I've talked to my spouse about it, as well as a couple of my very trusted friends. They do not know how to help me, but wish they could. My spouse thinks I should get a therapist. I don't even know if I can be helped at this point. The world is still going to be the way it is, whether or not I talk to a shrink. I just dunno...
  9. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Active Member

    the other problem is that even though there are moments where the urge goes away, either due to feeling slightly better, or due to me thinking too much about the actual physical process of dying. it is terrifying when i think about the damage that that machine can do to my body. so now i wonder if having alcohol or drugs will calm me enough or lower my inhibitions. i just dont know....

    i want to but i cant. i hate feeling likethis.
  10. brokenbellflower

    brokenbellflower New Member

    I understand how you feel. I'm only about a mile from the part of town where all the trains run. Of course, being in this semi-rural suburb where there's no sidewalks, I could just walk down the road in the dark and get the job done. The fact is, I know how you feel. And sometimes, you just need someone to understand, not tell you what to do. I understand what you say about your job, they tried to give me shit for it too, even tonight my boss told me I couldn't have the promotion I was promised because "your attendence must be PERFECT". Bitch. I just looked her dead in the eye and said "welcome to advanced neurological disease". It's that kind of moment for you too I'm sure, wondering who will judge, what they'll say, but in the end it's for you to decide and be ready for your decision. I hope for the best for you.
  11. corryvreckan

    corryvreckan Well-Known Member

    I too feel very overwhelmed just now with everything that seems to be going wrong in my life right now. However with me it's when I'm crossing over high bridges. Recently I was standing looking over the edge and felt like I could just climb over the barrier and jump. Fortunately I got scared and that stopped me.

    I am really glad I came across this site recently. Somewhere to confide in others who know and understand what you are going through. I do have a good family and close friends but have been unable to discuss feelings of suicide with them.

    Wish you all the very best and stay safe.
  12. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Active Member

    thanks for the responses, everyone. not sure what i should do.

    days go by and i'm stuck in a numb, low, on the edge of being depressed, but not quite happy feeling.cna't really describe it. all I know is that i feel that this should be inevitable for me, it's something i want to do above all else, but i am not sure how i should do it or when. right now I am at a friends' house and they are out of the room running errands.

    i ran off to their house because i needed to get away from mine. too much stress.

    i want to talk to them about it but i am terrified. i just dont want them to think i am being overemotional or stupid.

    i know they should understand. but how can i talk with my closest friend about this? i want to tell him how I want to do this, but i'm not sure.

    he will be gone tongiht but i will be here for the weekend.

    i just dont know.

    or..well aparently he just walked in again.

    I dont think he is aware even.

    we are talking about video games. how do i initiate a conversation abou tthis stuff without it seeming like i just want an excuse to talk about this stuff?

    I just dont know.

    i am not good at talking to people in person.

    i want to tell him that this is something i want to do. I dont know his reaction.
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