I'm usually good at listening for the train. I know when it is coming. I like to listen for it because I love trains. I think they are really cool. Big, powerful, amazing machines. I love them because they are scary. I am fascinated by them. About 10 minutes ago the train came by, like it does some late nights, and I happened to be outside. Lucky me, I love watching the train go by. But earlier tonight I had decided that if the train came by, I wonder what I would do. I wonder what I could do. Strangely enough, the train did go by tonight. But I didn't hear it coming long before it came, like I usually do. All I heard were the bells of the crossing signs, and then the train started barreling down the tracks. I'm sitting at an outdoor table next to a building where I can get wifi. I'm about 50 or so feet from tracks. They are freight train tracks. I considered it for a second but was too scared to move from my chair, because the train was coming way quicker than it normally does. It usually crawls through town about 10 mph, but tonight it was going at leas 30 mph. I don't know why it was going that fast tonight, but it scared the sh!t out of me. Which, I suppose, is a good thing, considering. ..... Long story short, I am overwhelmed again. Far away friends, farther away memories, long gone you cannot go back to the past. the future looks bleak. Both my own and that of my country and this world. all of the wonderful things i had planned for myself, i am not sure I can do. i could be something great, but i am nothing. my colleagues are all changing the world, I am left behind. everything is falling apart my father will likely die soon of old age. I love him so much. I am terrified of suffering. I want it to be painless, and I want to either enter an oblivion without consciousness, or I want to be surrounded by love, in a perfect place, with loved ones. I do not believe in religious nonsense. This is not why I am depressed, so I don't want any of those types of comments. I am so hopeless when normally I am the one inspiring people. If only they knew what a sham I was, and how useless I actually am. And how little I do, and how everything I do is to benefit myself. I am a phony, I am nothing great, I am full of sh!t and that is how I will forever be. I could be something great but I am miserable forever. but oh, if dying could give me a reprieve...if only, if only.