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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by IV2010, Dec 5, 2011.

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  1. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Some of you know I lost my son to suicide..
    I want to be with him!
    The pain is too great!

    After the loss of a child especially to suicide it seems to be the 'norm' that everyone dissappears ..
    So called friends, family.... all gone straight after the funeral.....ppfftt!!

    Then what??
    Left alone to deal with the worst grief/pain imaginable!

    I found this poem obviously written by another parent who's lost a child..
    I hope it gives an understanding of what its like for the 'survivors'
    this is how I feel!

    You ask me how I'm feeling,
    but do you really want to know?
    The moment I try telling you
    You say you have to go

    You ask me how I'm holding up,
    but do you really care?
    The second I try to speak my heart,
    You start squirming in your chair.

    Because I am so lonely,
    you see, no one comes around,
    I'll take the words I want to say
    And quietly choke them down.

    Everyone avoids me now,
    Because they don't know what to say
    They tell me I'll be there for you,
    then turn and walk away.

    Call me if you need me,
    that's what everybody said,
    But how can I call you and scream
    into the phone,
    My God, my child is dead?

    I am tired of pretending
    as my heart pounds in my chest,
    I say things to make you comfortable,
    but my soul finds no rest.

    How can I tell you things
    that are too sad to be told,
    of the helplessness of holding a child
    who in your arms grows cold?

    Maybe you can tell me,
    How should one behave,
    who's had to follow their child’s casket,
    watched it perched above a grave?

    You cannot imagine
    what it was like for me that day
    to place a final kiss upon that box,
    and have to turn and walk away.

    If you really love me,
    and I believe you do,
    if you really want to help me,
    here is what I need from you.

    Sit down beside me,
    reach out and take my hand,
    Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
    I want to understand."

    Just hold my hand and listen
    that's all you need to do,
    And if by chance I shed a tear,
    it's alright if you do to.

    author unknown
  2. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    I also lost my child, my daughter Serena, at 16 from a car accident. There are some similarities to your case as both deaths are unexpected and happen suddenly. I was with her in the car and had to "learn" she was dead over and over. When she didn't respond to my question, "Are you okay", when I saw blood from her ears, when I saw that it had stopped running, when they took us first in the ambulance, when the doctor announced she was dead, when they peeked around the corner before pushing her cart covered with a sheet, when I washed the blood from her face.

    My husband had left me just 3 months before Serena died. After the funeral my family all had to go home to other states, his family who all lived nearby disappeared. My coworkers didn't know what to say. My two friends were afraid to bring up anything about her. My family, when I talked to them, changed the subject when her name came up. This continues to this day. Since her death in 1992 I have lived alone. I have two dogs who give me some comfort. I have adjusted to her death for the most part but I miss her every day.

    The pain gets better in time. I stayed clinically depressed for two years after her death but slowly reclaimed my life. Am I okay now? Somewhat, I have bipolar so I still get depressed and suicidal but am stable most of the time. I don't know if you have ever been suicidal before but I must say that I can understand the suicidal mind, having attempted many times. What I do know is that it gets better, and after the suicidal thoughts lift you want to be alive again.

    I hope you give yourself time to recover and heal.
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Dear IV -
    I know it's just cyber, but I do want to sit beside you, take your hand and understand.

    I came here because I tried to join my deceased wife, Nothing held any interest for me except the prospect of being with her again. I have been told that the pain of losing a child is the worst pain there is. So I can't compare my pain to yours. All I can do is to say that losing my wife was the absolute worst pain I can imagine, and there were times I thought the pain would literally shred my brain (stroke or aneurysm) and I started SI to equalize the inner pain with outer pain. If that's what I felt, I can't imagine how strong you must be to have survived (and continue to endure) your pain.

    Other people don't understand, some expect (and tell me so) that the pain will ease or fade after a while, and it doesn't. I isolate because I still can't hold a conversation with someone. They want to talk about the football game, but still there's only one topic that has any relevance to me. One of my sisters thinks its time to strip my house of all of Alesia's belongings because they must remind me of her and keep me grieving. She doesn't understand either. I could be sleeping on a beach somewhere and my soul would still scream and sob for my wife.

    I apologize for writing so much about me, but maybe you can relate to some of it.

    I do care, And I respect you for your care and time you spend here helping others. Some of your comments in my threads have helped me personally, not to change my life, but to make through another pain-filled day, and really, isn't one day all we really have?

    Don't ever under-estimate your value, being here has spared how many other parents from walking in your footsteps. I think that works out to the greatest memoriam and tribute to your son. And if I can interject some of my beliefs, I believe he'll come for you when it's time.
  4. mlxjaded

    mlxjaded Well-Known Member

    I'm a son thinking of suicide. You saved me at least for another night. I'd never want my mother to feel that pain.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you lost your dear daughter Serena...such a tragedy!
    you have given me some hope that we can survive alone...I need hope!
    I've suffered depresssion for most of my life and unfortunately passed this illness on to my children..:hug:

    Lefty; thank you for your support...you're right, we only have one day at a time when experiencing such grief..I just wish I didn't have anymore days left and my son was here to take me.. sigh!! :hug:

    mlxjaded; I'm glad you stayed for another night...I hope you are able to get the help you need and stay permanently..
    there is way more unimaginable pain than is expressed in that poem when we lose a child especially to suicide...:hug:
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    All I can add to this conversation, is that I care, I am here and I wish that you were not going through this.
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