Because I'm scared. Always. Of failure. Of being what the voices in my head tell me I am. Always. Because I believe the voices. Because I hate myself. Physically. Emotionally. Intellectually. Psychologically. Socially. And I always have. Because the thoughts are constant now.... "worthless piece of shit" "you just need to go" "you are a waste of space" "you should have known you weren't good enough for this". All day long. Because I wake up panicked and terrified every morning. And the weight of depression hits instantly.... and I can barely move. Because main coping skill is work. And even if I could find a full time job, I feel immobilized. Because I feel like the words "worthless failure" are etched into my forehead. Because I feel enormous guilt about how I lost my job, and though I was not malicious, the legal system will undoubtedly destroy me. Because I can't afford an attorney. Because I've spent my life helping others and now I feel overwhelmingly alone. Because I love my friends. They are my family. But I don't want to be a burden on them, and yet they are my strength. Because I can't read, or watch a movie, or exist without being overwhelmed by thoughts of death. Because my bills are stacking up. And I'm too overwhelmed to make a decision about what to to about it. Because I'm sick and tired of being guilty and scared about being gay. Because ..... and more than anything else.... I get to this place more frequently lately. And in the last couple of years, this place has grown noticeably colder, darker, and lonelier than ever. It takes more and more fight, with less and less measurable success. Because I remember being unable to get out of bed at age seven. And wanting to die. And at 37, it has not improved. Because depression is the coldest, darkest, scariest place Ive ever been. And I'm so tired of wanting to die, all day, every day. Because I can't figure out what purpose the last 37 years has had. Because I feel guilt. Others have it worse. Others fight for that extra six months if life. I feel worthless. Because I cannot continue this way. But I'm terrified to be hospitalized and know that meds are temporary sedation only. And I have no insurance. Because there is no light at the end of this tunnel. Because I believe - at this point - it would be more selfish to stay. Because feeling resolved in this decision, is the best I have felt in months.