You ask why? Because....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sihuskyzoi, Dec 23, 2011.

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  1. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    Because I'm scared. Always. Of failure. Of being what the voices in my head tell me I am. Always. Because I believe the voices.

    Because I hate myself. Physically. Emotionally. Intellectually. Psychologically. Socially. And I always have.

    Because the thoughts are constant now.... "worthless piece of shit" "you just need to go" "you are a waste of space" "you should have known you weren't good enough for this". All day long.

    Because I wake up panicked and terrified every morning. And the weight of depression hits instantly.... and I can barely move.

    Because main coping skill is work. And even if I could find a full time job, I feel immobilized.

    Because I feel like the words "worthless failure" are etched into my forehead.

    Because I feel enormous guilt about how I lost my job, and though I was not malicious, the legal system will undoubtedly destroy me.

    Because I can't afford an attorney.

    Because I've spent my life helping others and now I feel overwhelmingly alone.

    Because I love my friends. They are my family. But I don't want to be a burden on them, and yet they are my strength.

    Because I can't read, or watch a movie, or exist without being overwhelmed by thoughts of death.

    Because my bills are stacking up. And I'm too overwhelmed to make a decision about what to to about it.

    Because I'm sick and tired of being guilty and scared about being gay.

    Because ..... and more than anything else.... I get to this place more frequently lately. And in the last couple of years, this place has grown noticeably colder, darker, and lonelier than ever. It takes more and more fight, with less and less measurable success.

    Because I remember being unable to get out of bed at age seven. And wanting to die. And at 37, it has not improved.

    Because depression is the coldest, darkest, scariest place Ive ever been. And I'm so tired of wanting to die, all day, every day.

    Because I can't figure out what purpose the last 37 years has had.

    Because I feel guilt. Others have it worse. Others fight for that extra six months if life. I feel worthless.

    Because I cannot continue this way. But I'm terrified to be hospitalized and know that meds are temporary sedation only. And I have no insurance.

    Because there is no light at the end of this tunnel.

    Because I believe - at this point - it would be more selfish to stay.

    Because feeling resolved in this decision, is the best I have felt in months.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2011
  2. IntoTheWoods

    IntoTheWoods Guest

    Hey sihuskyzoi - just wanted to say I read your post - I am sorry you hate yourself so much right now - I read on the internet somewhere that when you are feeling negative about stuff is the worse time to make major decisions - particularly life or death ones, guess that negativity wouldn't contribute to an objective fair decision being made and I am a sucker for fairness and justice.

    I am experiencing awful horror movies in my head right now - but part of me thinks what I read may be right - probably this isn't a good time to be making those decisions.

    Sounds like you have some great friends - would you view one of them as a burden on you if they were feeling like you are right now?
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi sihuskyzoi. That is a lot of "because". I am so sorry that you are living with so much pain right now. I also am sorry that you do not have insurance. I agree with intothewoods. When we are feeling this way, it is not a correct time to make decisions that are irrevocable.

    The voices are not correct, in what they say. They do not want what is good for you. I can assure you of that. And they also are not correct in their assessment about who you are. Even if it feels like it is your voice. It is not correct.

    Could you call united way ( usually by calling 211 on the phone) and find out what resources are available for you, considering you do not have insurance? I always recommend this because I had excellent results when I called them for myself when I was in crisis. They found an agency for me. Someone to help me. It took more than one call to them. Some people who work there are more resourceful than others. I wanted a mental health advocate. Someone to help me to fill out disability application. So I was very clear with them. And yes, in my state there was a very small agency partually funded by united way, that helps people who are mentally ill. They are advocates. They did help. In more ways than one.

    I am going to tell you that I know many people who hear voices, such as what you describe who have been helped by medication. I know you say you do not have insurance. But I figure there must be some way, in your state, that the uninsured or underinsured can get some kind of help. Please do try united way, if at all possible. If you think you cannot afford medication, there also is an "drug discount card" that anyone can download on the internet. You need not qualify for it. Anyone of any income bracket, anywhere in the US can download and use it. And when presented at a participating pharmacy, they can get up to 80% savings. And it works. I used it for a rx that my insurance did not cover. I saved about 65%. The list of participating pharmacies is very large. If you are intested in this, please send me a private message and I wlll give you the webpage link and name. My MD likes them very much.

    Please hang on. One foot in front of the other. Again, you sound like a really good person. And could you try to also reach out to a friend irl? Keep posting here. I am glad you are here !!!

    Please do not harm yourself or take your life. Because you sound like a good person who has fallen on hard times. But hard times can be turned around, no matter how much it seems this could not happen. Just hang on and try to reach out. Oh yes, great reaching out in coming here to post. People here are really good. Glad you are here.
  4. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    I wish I could see the hope, but I can't. I don't want to celebrate Christmas. I don't care if I never see snow, smell grass, or watch a black and white movie. I don't care about the next Stephen King novel. I love my brother and sister in law, and my nephews, but I don't even want to go see them since they're in town. I just want to be gone. Nothing more, nothing less. I can't see beyond it and it just seems to keep feeling worse. The only difference between today and two months ago is that I finally have the energy to do something about it. My dads death anniversary is January 2nd. An ex bf and a friend both commited suicide, different years, on thanksgiving. It's destroyed the holidays for me. I wanted to wait until later in January for that reason. But I can't see past today... past this hour... these minutes. I just don't want to feel this way anymore and the road in front of me is so damn long, and I feel like such a worthless piece if shit. And I'm so tired. And all I can think is please.... don't let my roommates be home.
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