You can't fight your illness

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Tiger, Jul 29, 2016.

  1. Tiger

    Tiger Well-Known Member

    The situation is becoming dire. I feel so empty all of the time so I do stupid, impulsive things just to feel. And then my moods will start to swing so crazily that I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's almost been 5 years now and I feel so so lost. I'm only 15, I've lost out on being a teenager because all I can ever think about is THIS. THIS strange, complex mess in my head. I think that in the past year, there have only been a few minutes, other than in sleep, where this hasn't been on my mind. Where I haven't based my actions on it, haven't warped my personalities because of it, haven't chosen my friends because of it. And besides, I've lost all my friends now. They have given up hope on me, not that they really tried to help. Apparently they thought I needed to be given some space. That's a fair enough observation but what part about 'giving space' is ignoring me in the corridors? Avoiding me? Walking past me when I'm clearly upset and just...just pretending I don't exist?

    As for my SH, I haven't cut in a few weeks but the scars on my arm are awful. I had to go to the hospital again a month ago because of another attempt - that makes three. I have more devices hidden in my room but who knows what will happen? My therapist doesn't care about me. I've been passed off AGAIN. I can't help but think they don't like me because I'm manipulative somehow, or I'm too tricky and they'd rather not have to deal with me.

    I've found more aid online. I do my own research, I find my own methods, I get through my own way. I'm dragging myself onwards and discovering more about myself then I can bear. I don't think I will ever be able to be fully recovered. Four years ago it was anxiety, three ago it was depression. Now its "probably a personality disorder" or psychosis. Now it could be DID. Now it is too late to call it anything because at the end of the day it is ME. You know that moment where you realise that you are your illness? You can't fight yourself and you don't want to because who else could you be? Every time I try to push against it I create new versions of myself, new personalities that crowd in my head and take turns navigating this mess.

    You can't fight your illness, you can only heal and deal with it.
  2. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hi I am Mox!!

    I hate to hear you are having such a hard time, I really do. I thank you for joining us and giving us the chance to help you.

    I feel like you are very scared of what you are feeling inside and, you feel lonely because you lost your friends. Plus being so young makes it even more difficult with school and everything.

    I do not understand why therapist keeping passing you off, that is their fucking job to help you. That is just pitiful on their part. Are you seeing a psychiatrist?

    Describe to me what THIS is? I feel like you are drowning and you need a hand to help you up.

    If it would help my story is listed on the My Story forum titled, I just want to die. Maybe it will help you understand you are not alone and we will help you. Hell I just got out of a Mental Hospital two weeks ago and on 14 different meds but it really seems to be helping.

    Have you ever thought of keeping a journal as a method of getting your feelings "off of you" and onto a piece of paper? You seem like you have a lot going and i really do think it would help you.

    We are here to help you , and we will help you the best way we can.

    Take Care of Yourself
  3. Tiger

    Tiger Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Mox. I'm sorry to hear you were in hospital, my thoughts are truly with you.

    'THIS' is my mental situation. I don't really know what else to call it because it controls everything in my life.

    I do keep several journals - a mood diary, venting. I write letters to myself when things are especially intense and send them to myself in the post.

    I'll make sure to check out your story. I know I'm not alone - everyone always makes such an effort to say that and I am grateful. Truly, I am. But its so hard to feel empathy towards others when you don't even know if you exist. I don't know, maybe I'm just being overdramatic again.
  4. Tiger

    Tiger Well-Known Member

    Things keep falling in and out of place. I've spoken to my psychologist about having multiple personalities and she reacted well - that's one off the list to admit. Depression and anxiety really do not cut it anymore. And, like always, BPD is always rattling around in my brain. There's no point reminding me that I'm too young for diagnosis. I can't get it out of my head. How could I possibly? Does anyone know how it feels to think you've finally found yourself, to believe that for once you may actually exist and have something true to you, only to be told you can't be that? Now, I'm not throwing around the label as though I own it. No, I've kept it to myself. And I will continue to do that until I work up enough courage to ask my psychologist about it.

    As for other things I've been reading about - compulsive lying is an interesting story for me. I'm finally getting to terms with the fact that I have, in fact, been emotionally/verbally/psychologically abused by my dad. I doubt myself a lot but it's the first thing I ever researched (at the ripe old age of 9.) So compulsive lying makes sense. It fits a lot of how I function. And following on from that I looked into fictitious disorder, which certainly does feel familiar to me. Making up symptoms is something I've been putting down to something BPD like - a need for attention etc. But the two can co-exist. And it really does explain the satisfaction I get out of being mentally ill, the fulfilment when I get a confirmation on something bad. Not to mention the thing about meds. I can honestly not relate to people who don't want meds. And this explains why.

    I'm still working through all this. And it helps, it really does. I know - I'm too young, I'm getting obsessed, I'm over-analysing. All that is probably true. But in a way this extensive research has become the only coping mechanism that actually helps. Please don't try take that away from me.
  5. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hi, Me Again =)

    Ok wow, you my friend are going through a lot.

    I completely understand the need to do extensive research ; I did the same thing when I first became ill (Ulcerative Colitis).

    Maybe sometimes it would be a good idea to throw all of that energy into something else, what else interest you?

    You seem to be at war with yourself, you are trying desperately to figure out what is wrong with you mentally.

    Has your psychologist diagnosed you with anything, if so what? You seem to want to be mentally ill. I am not doubting or questioning how you feel and what you think, but that seems to be an underlying reason for your obsession. The way I am reading your reply is that being mentally ill gives you satisfaction? Being mentally ill gives you identity? and a place to belong? I read it like you want to be medicated.

    You feel like your father abused you, that is horrible I am sorry you went through that experience. Do you feel like you have a good mom?

    Do you ever take breaks and research something for fun?

    I am glad you are not cutting anymore.

    Take Care
  6. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Tiger, I am so very sorry that you are in such torment. It is a cruel world that brings this on anyone, let alone a 15 year old. I am glad that you are considering more professional help. I have never been checked into a ward. But by reading posts here it seems that there are good experiences and bad ones. You might check out calvinandhobbs. She has been through it and while the struggle continues, she has made amazing strides forward.

    It really jumped out a me that you think you are your illness. YOU AREN'T. The person with cancer is not cancer. The person with alzheimers is not alzheimers. And the person with mental illness is not mental illness. They are people who are ill. You are NOT your illness. I can understand why you feel that way, but it isn't true. You would never feel that way if it was a physical illness. You should not feel that way about a mental illness. After all, it is still an illness. Our world's prejudices against the mentally ill make things harder. Hopefully, someday that bias will end.

    Years ago I asked a psychologist friend of mine if you could ever get so used to being depressed, or anxious, etc., that you could become afraid to change. Because anxiety and depression were all you knew, you couldn't imagine any other kind of life. He said that definitely does happen. When you are fighting this thing you are not fighting yourself. You are fighting the illness within you. The real you is not the disease. The disease is hiding the real you. My brother was an alcoholic. He had treatment for this disease and has been sober for about 20 years. He is a different person. A better person. He has no regrets about leaving the diseased person behind, because he found someone much better at the end of that road. I think the same is in store for you. Get help and kick this illness out of your life. The new you will be amazing!
    moxman likes this.
  7. Tiger

    Tiger Well-Known Member

    I feel very tired. And I feel so, so empty. And right now I feel like I don't exist. I know what you mean when you say I am not my illness. That's what everyone says, right? But I don't want to find 'the new me'. Because the 'new me' isn't me. Our experiences shape us and I, and my five other personalities, cannot change what we have gone through.
    Today I couldn't resist self harming again. One tiny criticism was all it took - why am I so pathetic? So weak? I can't take any negative comments even if they aim to improve me. And I'm just sinking right now.
    I'm having bad intrusive thoughts about harming other things. Its not easy to cope with. I know that its Tiger - she always plants these thoughts in the mindspace.

    I feel very lost and I'm floating. Am I dead? Am I dreaming? I'm not even here. This isn't even real. I could say whatever I like! NAKFNANVK!!! You see? Hahaha. And yet I'm scared because what if this IS real? I want to swear and scream and shout and Tiger is winding me up. T2 is telling me this is real. The others are sleeping as usual. hELp? Haha.

    I think I'm going to go cut. Maybe that will prove that this is real? I have that churning feeling in my stomach. Maybe I should run outside? Force myself into another episode? I need to feel something. Goddamnit I need to get myself a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Someone that I can actually interact with and someone who I can ruin. And then bend back again. I'm lonely. I want someone who will care about me more than I can ever bring myself to. I need someone who won't tell me what I am feeling is too much. Thats why I need it to be 'romantic'. Because when they're a friend im told im acting weird. im being too much. its not normal.

    i think im going to scream. this is nt happening
  8. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Tiger, I honestly can't even imagine what you are going through right now. But please don't self harm. It sounds like you may actually be feeling too much. I think you should call someone and get help immediately. Or go to the emergency room at the hospital. At the very least, don't be alone until you are able to gain a bit more control over things. Please take care!
    moxman likes this.