The situation is becoming dire. I feel so empty all of the time so I do stupid, impulsive things just to feel. And then my moods will start to swing so crazily that I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's almost been 5 years now and I feel so so lost. I'm only 15, I've lost out on being a teenager because all I can ever think about is THIS. THIS strange, complex mess in my head. I think that in the past year, there have only been a few minutes, other than in sleep, where this hasn't been on my mind. Where I haven't based my actions on it, haven't warped my personalities because of it, haven't chosen my friends because of it. And besides, I've lost all my friends now. They have given up hope on me, not that they really tried to help. Apparently they thought I needed to be given some space. That's a fair enough observation but what part about 'giving space' is ignoring me in the corridors? Avoiding me? Walking past me when I'm clearly upset and just...just pretending I don't exist? As for my SH, I haven't cut in a few weeks but the scars on my arm are awful. I had to go to the hospital again a month ago because of another attempt - that makes three. I have more devices hidden in my room but who knows what will happen? My therapist doesn't care about me. I've been passed off AGAIN. I can't help but think they don't like me because I'm manipulative somehow, or I'm too tricky and they'd rather not have to deal with me. I've found more aid online. I do my own research, I find my own methods, I get through my own way. I'm dragging myself onwards and discovering more about myself then I can bear. I don't think I will ever be able to be fully recovered. Four years ago it was anxiety, three ago it was depression. Now its "probably a personality disorder" or psychosis. Now it could be DID. Now it is too late to call it anything because at the end of the day it is ME. You know that moment where you realise that you are your illness? You can't fight yourself and you don't want to because who else could you be? Every time I try to push against it I create new versions of myself, new personalities that crowd in my head and take turns navigating this mess. You can't fight your illness, you can only heal and deal with it.