You Ever Wonder...?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by whoamiboo, Jan 9, 2009.

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  1. whoamiboo

    whoamiboo Active Member

    Hi All,

    I am new to posting but not new to this forum. I have another name that I just can not access because my password will not work. :( LOL I felt the need to post right now because I am in a state of confusion.

    You ever wonder who you really are? What you really were meant to do on this earth? I have been wondering this for the past few weeks because I have been having terrible nightmares lately. The nightmares are making me "feel" suicidal yet I am not sure that I am totally at that point in my life again to "be" suicidal. Does that make sense? I "feel" the need of harm yet I don't want to "be" harmed. I am depressed from the nightmares. I am going to my therapist on the 13th of this month but until then I have to deal with these "feeling" with myself and a close friend that truly does not understand what is going on with me. It is nice to have someone in my life that is willing to help but understanding usually goes a longer way. Or if someone has been through the same things that I have been through (which then understands me and my situation). I am a very fortunate person, I have a wonderful therapist and great loved ones. Just at this point, I am struggling within myself about having this "feeling" of being depressed with the suicidal thoughts. It is simply amazing that I actually go to therapy regularly, take all my meds daily and still manage to live an unusual depressed life. (due to nightmares)

    I still wonder who I really am....??
  2. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    Hey! I totally understand what you mean. I'm incredibly fortunate in my life, but at the same time feel really depressed from time to time and definitely don't know who I am.

    A person once told me that depression can hit anyone - any age, gender, race, socioeconomic class. In my head I knew that, but because I've been so fortunate in terms of my family, my schooling, having a great psyhiatrist, I felt like I didn't "deserve" to feel depressed since I had nothing to be depressed about. But no matter how lucky you are in other areas of your life, depression is a disease. Just like you might get sick in your stomach, you can just as easily get sick in your mind. It's not your fault! I don't know if that helps you at all, or even applies to how you're feeling, but it helped me a lot.

    As far as knowing who you are, I think that's one of the toughest things to figure out in life (as I'm currently convinced that I don't have a personality lol). But you gotta believe that you'll find yourself someday. Sometimes I think you have to make mistakes to figure it out. The other day I was whining to my psychiatrist about how I wasted all this time and money going to this school that was totally inappropriate for me and what I wanted - and he told me instead of thinking of it as a waste, think about it as a learning experience. True, I was miserable, but I also discovered that my values system is completely different from all of the people at my school. My school is very competitive, and having an amazing career is the number one priority for almost every student here. However, because I went here, I've become to realize that my career isn't that important to me, and that I want to be a mom (one of those minivan-driving, brownie-baking moms :tongue:). I want to be active in my community, maybe helping out with Special Olympics, or other related activities for children with disabilities. Yes, I want a job because money is necessary, but for me its not the most important thing. Sorry for talking way too much about me, but I think that's a good example of how you learn about yourself and what you're meant to do. Just try to throw yourself out there and experience things, it's the only way to learn who you are.

    good luck =)
  3. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Woah i could have written this! In a strange paronoid way i thought maybe it was me considering the name changes :tongue: I wonder who i am every minute of every day of the week! I wonder how i will fit in to this world of millions of personalities. I have no idea what my priority is, and those i feel maybe a priority i'm not convinced are and even if they were, i'm not sure i'd achieve them for it to be my priority (if that makes sense!). I understand totally the suicidal feeling and yet not being suicidal. I phrase it mostly that i don't really think i can figure all this out and even if i felt i did, i wouldn't be right or make any difference....and there isn't a right way about things anyway so i just give up - it is too much! To be honest, and this is embarrassing as i generally see myself as a tough person, i read a book that focuses on religion, philosophy, culture, race etc and i just cannot cope and just want to cry...or do damage. I feel limited in a way by my background. I come from a good family, good education, good everything really, and that makes me feel not eligable to fight for those without these things because i feel they'll just turn around and say 'how can she help me, she doesn't know my life, she can't help me!'.....and if they said that they'd be right. What do i know of their pain, difficullties, can i offer them anything? So what do i do? Do i simply follow the footsteps of those around me into normal jobs, doing what is expected of me for fear that if i step out of my middle class background ppl will be angry and spiteful? If i don't fit in to my background how can expect to fit into anywhere else!!
    So yes i definately wonder!
  4. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    At least know that who you really are is not your depression or suicidal thoughts. Often I get into the trap of identifying with the depression as a part of me and who I am, but it is not.
    :hug: :heart:
  5. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    Over time i've come to realise you aren't support to 'find yourself' there is no 'real' you. You are.. yourself. It's all random chaos. Dust in the wind etc. There is no meaning to anything. You just do what you can.
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