you guys

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by brighteyes, Dec 5, 2013.

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  1. brighteyes

    brighteyes New Member

    Hello. I hope I can connect with some people on here. You all seem like lovely people that I wish I could be
    surrounded by.

    Today was the hardest day I've had in awhile and I'm tired of my boyfriend telling me I'm strong and that "I got this"... If that were true then why does death seem so much better than life to me? I feel like the only time I'm doing "well" is when I pretend. Even when I'm doing well, I'm not doing much. I dropped out of high-school due to major depression and some trauma that I haven't even processed yet and now I'm 21 and haven't been able to hold a job for more than 3 days at a time. I end up having panic attacks and embarrassing myself as a first impression. Instead of sucking it up and going back, I run away.

    Today I was really convinced that there isn't a place for me in this world. I feel like I'm in a constant state of reaction and can't calm down no matter how much breathing I do. The worst part is that my family acts like they are victims of seeing me depressed and just talk about how much harder things are for them because of what I'm going through. I get that they are likely coming from a place of caring about me but I just isolate myself further. My mom told me no one wants to be friends with someone like me because I just drag them down, even though I never talk about my feelings. I've struggled with depression since childhood and my big brother committed suicide and it is just "written on my face" as my sister says.

    I can't help but think I've got no one but myself to blame. Maybe blame isn't important. But I am for sure the only one responsible for my actions and I am not proud of how I've been handling all this. I just want it all to end. I feel like I'm in a grinder. But I can't put my family through another suicide. Sometimes I don't care about that though and only stay for my dog........

    Wow if anyone read all that youve got some patience.. I'm pretty emotional at the moment so I'm full of run on sentences and ellipses and jumping from one thing to another.... Hi again glad to be here and thanks in advance for your time.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi welcome to SF Are you taking meds for you depression or getting therapy taken together works best. If you are on meds then talk to your doctor ok see if you need to get some changes made with meds Not your fault hun you cannot help how you feel if it chemical base depression it can be treated hugs
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Hello and big welcome bright eyes.. You are very welcome here..we take you just the way you come and jumping they any hoops or putting on show or any other obstacles to master.. Just be you here.. Please!!!

    Are you seeing any professional psych ppl now??? If not with your heavy depression and suicidal thoughts might be good steps to get that help.. Has saved the lives of many here.. In meantime, now that you have started talking to us please keep talking here!!!

    Take. Care out there and try to stay safe.. Jim
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    hi brighteyes,

    sounds like you've been through a lot. sounds like those around you are trying to support you in their own ways but that they dont really know how to do so... i understand how frustrating that can be and how sometimes, we have a tendency to blame ourselves for that when it starts to make us feel worse than better. its not your fault. its not their fault either... they just dont understand, maybe dont even know. thats why i'm glad you came here... here you will find many people that can relate with you and some that can empathize with you. you will find many people try to give you helpful advice and/or ideas that may he helpful to you in your road to recovery. this is a good starting place for you... but like the others i agree, you should probably also consider psychiatric care and/or counseling. i'd be doing both myself if i was able... but currently my husband will not allow it. i think you are too hard on yourself though... but there again, most of us here are. why do i say you are hard on yourself? because you don't believe you are strong at all. you beleive you are weak specifically because you have depression. depression is not a weakness, it is an illness, a limitation (temporary at times, permanent at other times -- but while present, a limitation). limitations are present in any human, so you are not weak.. not unless you refuse to try to find a way to live despite your limitations... that is true weakness/failure. you are strong, because despite your pain you get up and you push through it anyway... not everyone can say they do that. i know i haven't at times. i look forward to getting to know you and hope to see you on chat sometime soon!!

  5. brighteyes

    brighteyes New Member

    Wow thanks for your replies everyone! I'm feeling a lot better this morning after getting some sleep and these were nice to wake up to :)

    I'm currently seeing a wonderful psychologist twice a week and he's been very supportive. As for meds, my history with them is a bit wonky. I was the hospital and over medicated there (the nurses called me skittles because of all the colors in my cup) and had a pretty bad reaction to it. When I was at my worst, I couldn't complete thoughts or sentences and would fall asleep while eating and the like lol. My thoughts also became darker, so either they weren't the right meds for me or the combination was a mess. I went though some helpful treatment programs afterwards (DBT) and some of the meds I was on I had no choice but to get off because they were making me sick. Now after a long battle with withdrawals, I'm not on anything and like it better because I can feel my brain flowing like it used to. I needed a fresh start.

    I'm PMSing this week (hehe :p) and that's when everything seems to come crashing down. So I may need to take something for it. Other than this time of the month, I'm pretty good at maintaining my thoughts and trying to move forward with my life, although I am still not enjoying things as much as I used to. It is better than it was a few years ago, though. Thanks again everyone! I think I will like it here :)
  6. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member


    welcome to the site
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