Hello. I hope I can connect with some people on here. You all seem like lovely people that I wish I could be surrounded by. Today was the hardest day I've had in awhile and I'm tired of my boyfriend telling me I'm strong and that "I got this"... If that were true then why does death seem so much better than life to me? I feel like the only time I'm doing "well" is when I pretend. Even when I'm doing well, I'm not doing much. I dropped out of high-school due to major depression and some trauma that I haven't even processed yet and now I'm 21 and haven't been able to hold a job for more than 3 days at a time. I end up having panic attacks and embarrassing myself as a first impression. Instead of sucking it up and going back, I run away. Today I was really convinced that there isn't a place for me in this world. I feel like I'm in a constant state of reaction and can't calm down no matter how much breathing I do. The worst part is that my family acts like they are victims of seeing me depressed and just talk about how much harder things are for them because of what I'm going through. I get that they are likely coming from a place of caring about me but I just isolate myself further. My mom told me no one wants to be friends with someone like me because I just drag them down, even though I never talk about my feelings. I've struggled with depression since childhood and my big brother committed suicide and it is just "written on my face" as my sister says. I can't help but think I've got no one but myself to blame. Maybe blame isn't important. But I am for sure the only one responsible for my actions and I am not proud of how I've been handling all this. I just want it all to end. I feel like I'm in a grinder. But I can't put my family through another suicide. Sometimes I don't care about that though and only stay for my dog........ Wow if anyone read all that youve got some patience.. I'm pretty emotional at the moment so I'm full of run on sentences and ellipses and jumping from one thing to another.... Hi again glad to be here and thanks in advance for your time.