You have no idea.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Firefly, May 30, 2010.

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  1. Firefly

    Firefly Member

    First post, so bare with me…

    Background: I have anorexia, bulimia, panic disorder, depression, insomnia, agoraphobia, and am just generally a bad person (yes, really). And general loneliness, and nothingness for life.

    Well, yesterday, I tried to change that. My second attempt since I was 15 (i'm 19 now). I drove 30 miles to find a "decent" field to end my life in, took enough pills to kill a horse (or so I thought), and lay down. And waited. And waited. And waited some more. (with tears streaming down my face because it just shouldn't have turned out like this.)

    I'm here, awake, 11 1/2 hours later after sleeping in a wet field, feeling sick, with stomach pains, confused, angry, alone.

    Isn't it just the biggest slap in the face when you open your eyes to find your back in the place where you've worked so hard to get yourself out of? The place that;s caused you nothing but suffering and pain since you were four years old.

    And now its sunday morning, and I have no idea what to do with myself.

    (And for the record, I refuse to take myself anywhere near a hospital, thanks to the kind Accident and Emergency doctor who told me days ago to "go home" and to "stop wasting valuable time" because there is "nothing anyone can do for you here")

    Or anywhere.
    I do not belong here
    So why the F*ck am I back where I started?
  2. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    bear with me im not very good at this.:biggrin:

    Ok so that doctor was REALLY stupid to say that. It was pretty fucked up and they had no right to say that. Perhaps that wasn't the where you needed to go at that time. But there are plenty of places that can and will help you, if not there then they can refer you to someplace that can. Ive never gone to an emergency room before an attempt, only after or in my most recent case semi in between, so i have no experience on that front. However, there are plenty of places that will help you especially before you attempt and will be there in the unfortunate after.

    This is a good place to come to talk things out every one is here to help in one way or another, and we are all here for the same reason, we feel there is nowhere else to go. We are here for you. The next time you feel like ending it just try one thing: call a hotline. The first time i called one it didnt really help too awefully much, sometimes that happens though. But never give up try again, or ask for to talk to someone else. There are plenty of pple out there who do care about you even if they have never met you before. Life is simply too precious to just end like that. Oh and trust me you are not a horrible person, no matter what you think.
  3. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    i feel the same as i sit here all alone in the dark
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I understand were your comming from Firefly. Ive been to so many hospitals and treatment centers that a lot of people tell me I only waste peoples time when I go.

    All I can say is Im here if you want to just talk about it with me. Ive had similar expireiences and Im also 19. Just message me here or you can try to chat with me in the chat room if you see me.
  5. wordman

    wordman Member

    I know how you feel. I've woken up in bed bleeding from my neck, wishing I had a better knife, or maybe a stronger grip.. either one, really

    I'm only a year older than you, but I feel like we have almost the same story, but mine's just a few chapters ahead.

    What you need to tell yourself- what I've been realizing about myself, is that we're not bad people. We feel like we are, but that's not from our own choices, it's the circumstances that've led to our actions. This feeling isn't our fault, I see it as more of a challenge.

    I mean, if a normal person has a good day, that's nice. If one of us has a good day, it's been a damn good day, in spite of life-threatening disorders. We're the underdogs, and we deserve to live. We're alive not because we failed, but because we fucking deserve to be here to tell people what emotion really is.

    I think I'm lucky- we all are, because we do want to die almost always, but it gives us a perspective that nobody else can have, no matter how they're feeling. We have the ability to see the world for what it really is, in stead of live in an illusion.

    I wanted the illusion before, but I changed my mind. I'd rather feel the way we feel than live in a false reality.
  6. Firefly

    Firefly Member

    Your so right wordman, and im glad ive finally found someone that can relate - drop me a message if you ever want to chat x
  7. Sica

    Sica Well-Known Member

    If I were you I'd go find that doctor and be like "I tried doing it again...I failed though but :thanks: for the depressing pep talk" and walk away. Guilty Conscious, Anyone? I'm Just joking, I hear corny jokes make people laugh :lol!: :boo:
  8. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Something to do on a Sunday;
    Can you work on a plan to perhaps get yourself out of this place that's caused you pain since you were quite young? Maybe if you provide a little background info, folks here can help you brainstorm some possibilities? Talking about what's been going on and maybe sharing your feelings might be assistive? Worth a try. :hug:

    Well, you do belong here, with all of us. :hug: Perhaps you don't belong in the current physical place you are living? Maybe a change could help?

    :hug: I truly am sorry you are hurting so much. :console: There are really good kindhearted folks here willing to listen to you and perhaps it may help ease the loneliness a bit. Certainly worth giving folks a chance, and most importantly, giving yourself a chance.

    It was wrong of that so called doc to speak with you that way. The doc was in the wrong, please try hard not to internalize what he said. He was in the wrong. Honest!

    I'm glad you found this site. Wordman has shared with you some important words of wisdom.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Firefly,

    Welcome to the forum.
    I agree with the above post, that doctor has no right to say that. It's frightening that people like that work in Accident and Emergency. You should have complained him. Please don't let that one person put you off seeking helping, if you don't like hospitals , there is alternatives, therapy,medication?
    Don't give up firefly, :hug:
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