You hurt me BADLY but yet i still love you

Discussion in 'The Uncertainty Principle' started by A couple of weeks away, Dec 27, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Yeah as you can tell from the title this is gonna be a rant. I don't want this under my forum name. If anyone does know who this is don't say my name please.

    Yeah so i got hurt pretty badly when it came to the so called term 'love' yeah i got hurt VERY BADLY. Still hurts to this day, im not talking a little bit upset, i mean it physically hurts when i think about it. I start crying even thinking about it.

    I never thought i could feel pain like this but yet it happened again. Feeling like this is has put me off falling in love EVER again. Being hurt like that is even making me think about what people really want from me, one person in particular.

    I feel used, i was made to feel like shit and i still do. So now im even more paranoid about what people truely want from me. Even people use me on here, no one can deny that. Just there as someone to talk to when their feeling shit. Theres very few people on here that i actually trust and even then im paranoid about what they want from me.

    The one thing in my life thats making me happy at the moment is being fucked up by me feeling this away. I want to push him away so he doesn't get hurt by me being so depressed but i care about him too much. I care about him far more than i should of allowed myself, its just making all this more difficult to do this.

    I thought i was hurt by what happened before but shit i NEVER thought i could hurt like this. I am seriously surprised that i havn't done anything over it YET. The person would 'blame' themselfs if i did tho. Why should it matter tho?

    My feeling didn't mater did they, so why should i spare them the feeling of them feeling 'guilty' (if you can call it that) over the way i got hurt. I've never felt strongly about many people in my life. Well there was one person at college a few years back, i like him big time but nothing happened. Then i feel big time for the next person i had feelings for.

    I didn't want it to happen! i knew it was gonna end up in me getting hurt, but the person said no it wouldn't. How wrong could they be! everything they ever told me was a load of bullshit. I don't even think they even cared about me at all, if they truely cared about someone how could you let them believe something that wasn't true. Let them fall in love with you. Seriously do people like fucking with peoples heads like that!?!?

    I would never dream od doing something like that to anyone else. As per usual im the one people use, see as an easy target. I've had it in my life, all my life. So why not from people from this forum, so many times i've felt used and i'm not the type of person to say anything. I just shut up and keep it to myself until it drives me to breaking point.

    I can't go on feeling like this, i just can't. It's not gonna stop and my plan is to kill myself to stop that pain. It's just too unbareable. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!

    I swear to god, ima kill myself over this. You all can think im bull shitting all you like but i swear on my family's life im not. This is gona drive me to my grave and i've accepted it, all it is about now is when im gonna do it. When i build up the courage. Maybe thats why i keep comming back to this place, to get myself triggered, drive me to do it.

    This is gonna kill me, i know it and im fine with it. This was the thing to push me over the edge. Theres no comming back from it. It's all about how much time i have left amd i don't think its much. Couple of weeks maybe but that shouldn't matter to anyone here should it.
     
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I know who you are and I'm terribly sorry you feel like this. I can't say any more to it here as you obviously don't want other people to find out who you are. Though I think more people will find out.

    I'm sorry :hug: :hug:
     
  3. You know what say what you want to say, i don't care anymore. I can't even post a private post on here without someone knowing who this is. I need to leave this place so badly. Y'all think you know me, say im sweet, caring, kinda, thoghtful. It's a load of bullshit. You don't know me at all. None of you do. Not even you Ester. You think you do but you don't. You think you can sense when im upset or about to self harm but you don't. The reason you don't know is because i don't show you because i can't anymore. I just can't. I can't afford to let you in again. none of you know how bad i truely am and none you ever will, i can't affor to let you in, i can't risk it.

    People seem to figure out who this is becase they 'know' me sooooo well don't they. So go ahead and say what you got to say, it can't hurt anymore than it does.
     
  4. You THINK you know me, you don't know the real me even if you say you do. I doubt your'll ever know the real me. Yeah you might 'know' some things about me, but you don't know the true me, you never did, even with how close we was.

    But it don't matter does it. Im use to getting hurt. This is gonna be the last thing to hurt me, im gonna make damn sure of that. My feeling don't bother anyone, go ahead walk over me, treat me like shit like everyone else does. I deserve it. Go ahead. Your the one person i never expected it off, how wrong could i be.

    Push me further away, i don't care anymore, things aint gonna be like they was. I've tried time and time again to fix things even tho i was the one who got hurt. Am i setting myself up for more hurt? I have a habit of doing that. I'm sick of getting a load of shit off everyone in my fucking life. So everyone can treat me like shit, i don't give a flying fuck anymore, i've been hurt far too many times to even bother with trying to get myself back to normal.

    You don't fucking realise how much people here care about you. How much they fucking worry! i've seen how upset people are because their worried about you. If anyone tries to be there for you, you throw it back in their faces. If we get worried we're 'over reacting' ayou can't just turn off caring for someone and you know full well.

    I think i've got everyone reason to be worried about you, especially after what i've seen you do and you know what im talking about. What i saw will stay in my head for the rest of my life. I will NEVER forget that night. How fucking worried i was over YOU!! I hardly got any sleep that night worrying about YOU, having that image in my head all bloody night. When i finally did fall asleep i would wake up in a panic because i was seeing that image over and over again in my head.

    You know what fuck it, all this is doing is upsetting me even more. So hurt me again, i want you to so i can let you go and then your life would be much better off without all the shit i cause. So do it! i want the one person who i feel the most hurt off to hurt me one last time. Then we'd all be happy.
     
  5. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    someone told me once, you can spend your entire life with someone, and they still will suprize you, and you can never know them like they know themselves.

    I dont know who you are, nor would i truly seek to assume. I hope posting this helped a little atleast. I know its hard, especially when you are in a surrounding when you open up and you let people in, then those people harm you. You naturally tense up, but they think they have the right to touch the delicate aspects of your person.

    No one knows you like you, no one has a overview of you. I donno, i figure i shouldnt post here, but i wanted to just say that, from a distance i can understand the general point you are making. Atleast i think so. Aggrivating when you are trying to find your grounding again after people have torn it away from you, but those same people insist that painful grounding is still there. To me, its like a pull back into a hell.

    I really hate you feel like this. I hope you don't forget that there are people who don't want anything from others. Some of us just exsist, and see others exsisting. We interact without selfish desire. I donno, .. I don't know you, but Id hate if a select group of people fractured trust for you.. though trust is earned.

    look after yourself. really. jsut because we can relate with experiences to other people, doesnt mean those people have the discipline, control and understanding to move into those understandings and not become engulfed by them. anyway... um, sometimes i come off as an ass, not meaning to. just maybe sayin something that i donno..

    just hope you feel better
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.