You just watch me.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SashaJade, Aug 4, 2011.

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  1. SashaJade

    SashaJade Well-Known Member

    I can't cope with this any more. I can't even explain why I feel so low. I can't stop putting up this stupid front and acting like i'm fine. Sometimes I wish it would just crumble so I can show the whole world how fucked up I am. The cutting isn't enough any more. I need a stronger release than this. I need out of this situation, away from the life that is making me feel this way. I won't stop until I am free from this torment. Death really does seem like the only attractive option right now.

    I just need to plan better this time. Get all the details right so that I know that I will succeed. I will no longer exist in this god forsaken world. I can never see things getting better – I’m stuck in this same spot knowing that I can't about it. All I want is out, can't you fucking see? I know right now that I would honestly do anything not to have to be me.

    The saddest part of this is I’m suffering alone. Why can I not just let my thoughts pass my lips, why cant I let people know what’s truly happening. Maybe then there would be a tiny glimmer of hope for me. The hardest thing for me is not being able to explain my gender issues to someone who is a specialist in the subject. I wish I could talk to someone who would understand it all. Someone who could help me.

    I wish I didn't have to feel like this about my gender, that I could just be a normal teenager who is content with who they are. Instead I have to be ridiculed and shunned by those who I thought were my friends for the choices that I’m making. I feel so alone, so disgustingly twisted and worthless. I do not deserve to be blessed with the life my parents have given me when all I want to is change what they have created in me.

    I do not deserve this life.

    I deserve this pain.

    I deserve to lose everything I once held dear.

    I deserve to die.

    I will die.

    You just watch me.
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    That is where you're wrong - you're not suffering alone, not as long as you are posting here and have all of us to share our strength with you. And as far as not being able to let your thoughts pass your lips to talk to someone about your problems, the beauty of words is that they do not always have to be spoken, but can be typed and shared amongst everyone here.
    Are you positive that you're worthless, or are you just unsure how much you really mean to someone?

    Thanks, but I'd rather not watch you die. I'd rather stand on the ledge beside you and take the leap so that whatever awaits on the other side, you would not have to face it alone.
  3. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sam hun, I just found this. I am sorry you are feeling so badly. Please don't hurt yourself. Come to chat and we'll talk. Or pm me, or on this thread.

    Lets try to see if we can help. You are lovely and caring. I care what happens to you.
  4. SashaJade

    SashaJade Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys, i'm just struggling so hard at the moment, i'm pretending i'm fine and I don't know how much longer I can hold out with it.
  5. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend


    Just letting you know I am here, and that I read your thread...

  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    keep reaching out here hun we will hold you okay sorry you are so low right now hugs:hugtackles:
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    My Sammy baby. You do not deserve to suffer at all. You are so funny, so intelligent and so caring and kind and I love you lots. Sam you are who you are. I can not imagine what it is like to have such horrid body dysmorphia when you just want to be in a male body. But you will get there Sam I know it. I struggle to articulate my feelings to others too. Start small even if it seems pointless it is a start. These "friends" clearly are not your friends. A friend would accept you for you and also support you because this is such a difficult time for you. You are not alone in this. We are here for you. Keep talking to us. This will be a difficulty journey and you will have some bad times but some really really good times too. I am always here Sammy baby. Keep talking and most of all keep safe!
  8. SashaJade

    SashaJade Well-Known Member

    Lexi, I freaking love you so much. Your post has me in tears, its beautiful. Thank you so much my lovely. :wub:
  9. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Awwww Sammy I mean every word of it hun. I am always here for you. Next time you feel so bad pm me you silly moo. Love you lots xxx
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