I can't cope with this any more. I can't even explain why I feel so low. I can't stop putting up this stupid front and acting like i'm fine. Sometimes I wish it would just crumble so I can show the whole world how fucked up I am. The cutting isn't enough any more. I need a stronger release than this. I need out of this situation, away from the life that is making me feel this way. I won't stop until I am free from this torment. Death really does seem like the only attractive option right now. I just need to plan better this time. Get all the details right so that I know that I will succeed. I will no longer exist in this god forsaken world. I can never see things getting better – I’m stuck in this same spot knowing that I can't about it. All I want is out, can't you fucking see? I know right now that I would honestly do anything not to have to be me. The saddest part of this is I’m suffering alone. Why can I not just let my thoughts pass my lips, why cant I let people know what’s truly happening. Maybe then there would be a tiny glimmer of hope for me. The hardest thing for me is not being able to explain my gender issues to someone who is a specialist in the subject. I wish I could talk to someone who would understand it all. Someone who could help me. I wish I didn't have to feel like this about my gender, that I could just be a normal teenager who is content with who they are. Instead I have to be ridiculed and shunned by those who I thought were my friends for the choices that I’m making. I feel so alone, so disgustingly twisted and worthless. I do not deserve to be blessed with the life my parents have given me when all I want to is change what they have created in me. I do not deserve this life. I deserve this pain. I deserve to lose everything I once held dear. I deserve to die. I will die. You just watch me.