This is my last year of college. I've always hated it here, and I just can't wait to leave. I psyched myself up about coming back, but the last two days I've been here, I just slept. I sleep to escape. And when I started thinking about the future, I just knew that I couldn't do it. I'm going back to a job that's really rough on my schedule, a job that really wore on me last semester and sent me into a terrible depression because I couldn't take the medications I was supposed to take because of the side effects. I know no job is worth your health, but the money is just so good, it's hard to turn that down. And one of my best friends, who happens to be my ex-, has just disappeared communication-wise. I stay around him and tell him how much I care, and all my other friends tell me I'm crazy because he's not there for me in the same way. It's just that I see these wonderful things shine through in these brief moments, and it gives me hope. He has a lot of growing up to do, but that doesn't mean that I want him out of my life. I know his "friendship" isn't really good for me, but how do you stop caring about someone? How do you say, "alright, that's it, I give up"? I hate giving up, and I hate not being able to make him care as much as I do. It hurts, a lot, ,and thinking about it makes me all the more depressed. I wish I had the strength to make it through all this, but looking at the big picture, I'm just not sure I can do it. This is why I feel alone--no one here at school for me to befriend and my "friends" that I'm supposed to have just wander away and go enjoy their own lives. And why shouldn't they? Just because I'm miserable doesn't mean everyone else has to be too, I realize that. It's just that I feel like they've heard so much of my sob story that no one cares to empathize anymore. And you know, some people dream of vacations or some treat they'll give themselves when they make it through, but I fantasize about falling asleep and never waking up. I dream about how I'd slit my wrists or take some pills and just not have to deal with any of it ever again. I think about how other people might finally say, "Oh, she was a good person, someone who deserved friendship because she gave so much of herself." But that's just me complaining and whining and being selfish. People say the more you give, the more you get. Well, maybe I'm giving to the wrong people or something, but I feel like I'm getting squat. And I hate it. I hate it here, I hate feeling so alone, and I hate having to get out of bed and actually live a life that I want nothing to do with. Sorry for the rant. Just had to get it out before I'd even be able to THINK about doing anything else.