you know, just when i thought things were getting better...

[alwaysalone]

This is my last year of college. I've always hated it here, and I just can't wait to leave. I psyched myself up about coming back, but the last two days I've been here, I just slept. I sleep to escape. And when I started thinking about the future, I just knew that I couldn't do it. I'm going back to a job that's really rough on my schedule, a job that really wore on me last semester and sent me into a terrible depression because I couldn't take the medications I was supposed to take because of the side effects. I know no job is worth your health, but the money is just so good, it's hard to turn that down.

And one of my best friends, who happens to be my ex-, has just disappeared communication-wise. I stay around him and tell him how much I care, and all my other friends tell me I'm crazy because he's not there for me in the same way. It's just that I see these wonderful things shine through in these brief moments, and it gives me hope. He has a lot of growing up to do, but that doesn't mean that I want him out of my life. I know his "friendship" isn't really good for me, but how do you stop caring about someone? How do you say, "alright, that's it, I give up"? I hate giving up, and I hate not being able to make him care as much as I do. It hurts, a lot, ,and thinking about it makes me all the more depressed.

I wish I had the strength to make it through all this, but looking at the big picture, I'm just not sure I can do it. This is why I feel alone--no one here at school for me to befriend and my "friends" that I'm supposed to have just wander away and go enjoy their own lives. And why shouldn't they? Just because I'm miserable doesn't mean everyone else has to be too, I realize that. It's just that I feel like they've heard so much of my sob story that no one cares to empathize anymore.

And you know, some people dream of vacations or some treat they'll give themselves when they make it through, but I fantasize about falling asleep and never waking up. I dream about how I'd slit my wrists or take some pills and just not have to deal with any of it ever again. I think about how other people might finally say, "Oh, she was a good person, someone who deserved friendship because she gave so much of herself." But that's just me complaining and whining and being selfish. People say the more you give, the more you get. Well, maybe I'm giving to the wrong people or something, but I feel like I'm getting squat. And I hate it. I hate it here, I hate feeling so alone, and I hate having to get out of bed and actually live a life that I want nothing to do with.

Sorry for the rant. Just had to get it out before I'd even be able to THINK about doing anything else.

 

[alwaysalone]

just nevermind

 

[wienerman]

im sorry no one replied sooner, you are not alone you have everyone here in this community, and if you give to it, it pays back too.
i dont think you should really be doing the job if it is making you so ill, and especially if you really dont need the money, you can always get an easier less stressful one, which although pays less, would be far better for you health,i see the job as the link in a vicious circle. your job makes you unhappy, so you need to take meds, but you cant because you dont want to lose the money, etc etc.

you do have the strength to get through this :hug: take care :hug:

 

[TheBLA]

Sorry I can't say much right now, but weinerman is right, you DO have the strength to get through this, thats all I know. Its funny, my parents keep telling me that but I never beleive them though. :unsure:

Well, your looking at another kid that hates college as well, surrounded by people that think I should be having the time of my life and who are or did have the time of their lives in college. Whatever, I'm different from just about everyone else. I'm a freak, whatever. :dry:

 

[alwaysalone]

thanks guys, i really appreciate your responses more than you know. i wish i wasn't depressed. i wish i was having a good time in college. i wish my life was completely different. and i hope against hope that you are right...that i can make it. cause sometimes, its just overwhelming. thank you again, thank you thank you.

 

[rachypooh]

It's ok to be overwhelmed and I certainly would be too. Like the other have said you can get through this. I believe in you. I know its tough. unlike you I never got past high school so, i dont know the sorts of pressure college adds to your life.
Just know you've got us all here,no matter how your feeling

Rachypooh

 

[zura]

What a blind person I am....I overlooked this column...I care ok...Juz dun kill urself....I can't say much,cos i'M VERY SUICIDAL TOO...Anyway at least u got sumone or the experiences of havin 'friends'...Juz keep in touch with me,I'm good at cheering people up,but suck at mine:dry: ...I'm a funny-loving person,that's what they said...Looks can be deceiving though...:unsure:...U might feel so down,but juz b happy that there's a "sumone" who's feelin at the bottommost...:huh:...Money isn't everything,that's what people said..but I dun believe it..Anyway,juz dun harm urself over useless gain...I'm there for u,if u feel so desolated..If I'm gone,....erm juz carry on..K.:unsure:

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Hurray for last year at college.... sorry it is mine too and I feel much the same way you do...

It sucks when people dissappear. I have trouble with it when my close online friends just drop off the face of the earth. I don't think I could deal with a real life person who loves and cares, and vice versa, just dropping out of my life.

No job is worth your health... that might be true if you value your health... I will say no more than that.

I don't befriend people at college because now is not the time to be doing that anyway, we are all graduating we are all going our sepreate ways. So befriending another would just be a waste of time and effort especially since it takes me so long to trust others.

I like that fantasy... falling asleep forever. If only I could have been on Stargate SG-1 in some form of reality on one episode they had. You see they went to a planet where there was a microparasite that fed on the chemicals your brain produces while you sleep. And as it feeds it grows and eventually gives you an anyurism....

I don't know... just some thoughts from the under moderation fellow. I wish I could help you more.. keep in touch no?

 

[alwaysalone]

thank you rachypoo, zura, and forgotten. having you to talk to really helps. i will certainly keep in touch, and its so nice to know that i am not alone in feeling like this. thank you so much. take care to you all, talk to you soon

 

[alwaysalone]

i'm so glad you said you'd always be there...you promised you would never leave. and now you're gone. well, here's what i want to say but am too nice to say it:

"i hope you and wh*re face have ugly, witch-nosed children together. merry christmas, happy chaunaka, so long, and f*ck off."

i can't get you out of my heart, where you keep poking these awful holes. i need to be focusing on feeling better, on finishing school, on getting through work. but no, i think about how you said you'd never NOT be a part of my life and how quickly that all changed. they say that love and hate are two sides of the same coin. well, i loved you so deeply that now i hate you. i hate the fact that you have this effect on me, that i care about you so much, that i would go to the ends of the earth for you and you've probably forgotten my name. where are you when i need you? someday, witch-nose won't cut it and you'll wonder where I'VE gone. well, no one is going to protect my heart for me, so i have to do it myself. i'll always love you in some sense, and that sucks for me. but in everything else, i just want you out. grow up...cause i've out-grown you.