You know when...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by remains, Apr 22, 2012.

  1. remains

    remains New Member

    You know when your on a major downer? Like your at rock bottom, and some people are lucky enough to have that 'somebody', or just someone there, that you can talk to and turn to... I had that person, for nearly four years. She's heard the abuse, the self-harm, witnessed the harming, saved me from taking my life more than once.

    But now, its all too much, I've become a burden, she has turned so cold, like ice. She's switched off towards me, but this time my downer is big, cause I've been bottling things up so as not to burden her with myself (for quite a long time - 6 months +) although she has helped when I have had my seizures. But my emotional being, she hasn't had much to do with, we've grown so far apart. She wants different things, I'm not who she wants.

    Who can blame her, who would want me... I'm miserable, I've put weight on, I don't like people, I like my safety net. She's going to leave me, infact I think she's already talking to someone.. Like that, my paranoia is really bad, my suicidal thoughts are getting worse day by day. I just want to float away in the sea & never be found, let nature take me.

    Of course why should she have to carry my problems? I have always been there, and if I were to stay I would continue doing so, but she deserves better. Somebody beautiful, intelligent, someone with dreams & ambition. Not a sad-sack like me.

    So to make her happy in the long run, I'm going to take my life. Not FOR her, but she literally IS my reason for being, so I'm going to eventually do it so that I can take this invisable blade of pain and mess out of my chest and let everybody around me live in the long run happily, without my ungreatful attitude.

    I am so done.

    I guess in a way my life was completed when she walked into anyway, so maybe I had my purpose fulfilled when she took my heart.

  2. cloudy

    cloudy Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I got into a big fight with my boyfriend. sometimes I think he doesn't want me because we fight a lot. are you sure she doesn't love you? Why would she not love you just because you are sick? Please don't hurt yourself. There are better paths to take and more chicks out in the sea. I'm not really good at helping people except for listening to them. Things can be temporary because as we all know things change over time. you know maybe she's afraid of something. my boyfriend doesn't like my illness but he deals with it. is that what she's doing to you?
  3. remains

    remains New Member

    I don't think she's afraid of anything, she just wants to be happy, with a happy partner, happy life etc. I'm a massive burden to her, and I think she would feel massively guilty if she left me, so she holds on, just because. But thats not fair on her, I'm not strong enough to walk away. But to take my life, I could, because I know she would be okay & could move on eventually, and be the happy young woman she is inside. I can't take being the doorstop to her anymore :-( she needs to get out there and have a life, I'm holding her back.

    I've gone through enough abuse in my life, I don't want to live anymore, I've made that dicision.
  4. cloudy

    cloudy Well-Known Member

    I can't tell you what to do. Reconsider at least and maybe go talk to someone. I'm sorry you feel that way. *hugs*
  5. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I can only imagine how devastating this must be for you. And it sounds like your friend once cared very deeply for you--even if this is no longer the case-or has been slightly reduced in its intensity. No matter what, taking yourself out is not going to do her any favors. I know that you feel you might be doing the right thing--the self sacrifice--an act of altruism...but what good does it do to lose your life over another human being: friend, lover, family member, etc.? How does one win in this situation? What is the upside? Would you recommend this logic to another person who sought your counsel over a similar matter? Of course not! And why? Because it is a mistake. A faulty line of reasoning and an error in judgement--brought upon by a broken Heart. And this is okay, to feel this way, but to solve the problem in this form or fashion is flawed. I know it's hard to see things clearly, so that's all I was trying to do here, even if I have come up short in my efforts. Hopefully, things get better for you, very very soon... I hope you can be happy... Because you deserve to be...
  6. gem77

    gem77 Well-Known Member

    i can't imagine what you must be feeling. i don't think im the best person to give advice as im a little lost myself. but please reconsider, reach out to someone, thats all i can say. sorry its not much. i don't have anyone to open up to. i've vowed to enjoy my 20's and end things once i reach the big 30. i think life after that will be too depressing to bear. i hope things change for you