you know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Jan 25, 2013.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    you know its time... when exactly?

    now? later? tonight? tomorrow? when the impulses are too strong? when its a "bad day" that just doesn't seem to pass? when its a bad week that doesn't seem to pass? couple of months? year? couple of years?

    when? exactly?

    if we can put animals out of their distress, why not ourselves - as fellow animals?????????????

    wouldnt it be far more humane just to let some of us drift away?

    So when should I know that theres just no point anymore? no hope of everything changing? Why rinse and repeat when i get nowhere? Isn't that just simple stupidity???
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    No hun it isnt.
    Tomorrow you might laugh.
    Tomorrow you might cry.
    Tomorrow might be fabulous, who knows :unsure: we just keep on trucking and hope to God that somewhere someone gives a shit.
    I give a shit, keep on trucking and who knows what tomorrow might bring.
     
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Im sorry you are struggling. :(
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I hear ya Mo. But I am not sure what relief next year will bring. I know the past. I know the present. But I cannot be sure of the future. I have to believe that if I can hang in there, that maybe I will be in a better place when I finally do leave. I am hoping that is the same for you. That there is healing and relief in your future. While you still are here. Alive. Although I would understand if you feel like you dont know how long you can hang on to wait for a future. Just hang on each day. Keep writing. Keep talking about how you feel. People do care. I care. You have been though a nightmare. And you are still in it. so, keep writing. Until the pain is less. And there can be moments of peace again. Which I honestly believe will happen.
     
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks to you three.... Your responses have me in bloody tears, but in a good-ish way. It just hard. Like for all of us, it's hard.
     
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    it's hard. Very hard. Especially when living in a nightmare, Mo. Where you are at now cannot be underestimated :hug:
     
  7. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Yea. Things can b very hard. All we can do is take it day at a time
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I know... One day at a time. That's fine, but we should have hope or expectations for the future to keep us going.... Or at least for me. I know you are right, one day etc. but if I find that difficult, probably just a personality thing. Just an oddball! Thanks again.
     
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Its stupid and funny how a seemingly small thing can send us into a tailspin.... Had a bit of a tough week with things. Had to lie down for a while in the afternoon. When I woke there was a VM from someone. I thought to myself, wow, they care.... someone cares and how kind it was of them to check up on me (as they knew what was going on with me this week). So I listen to the VM and it wasn't what I thought. At all. So, why raise expectations when I know better what to expect from experience? Its a shame, but it is what it is.

    honestly? It hurt and it hurts. But, why should it when this is how people are?

    or, correction, how they are to me. fabulous.
     
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    :yay:

    I'm talking to myself it seems. Love, love, love it! :( Feeling all warm & fuzzy.

    Only being selfish in my thoughts, selfish and stupid and..and..and..and..and.. Dunno why I try, seems like everyone has gone poof!

    :(

    sorry folks.
     
  11. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Oh hun... :arms: I care... Always have always will... Hope you see this :hugtackles:
     
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I totally agree with Terry.. hold on Mo for none of us knows how tomorrow will be..while ever you are here there is still hope :hug:
     
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hey Mo
    I just came to read this. I think that all normal rules are sort of suspended when there is deep grief of loss. Its like you say. You just want hope and expectations for the future to keep you going. But it is not there. I am going to sound trite. But I will say it anyway. I really believe that this is the nature of the grief. I also think that there will be a time when the overwhelming grief will give way to less grief. And that's when the veil can lift so you can see some hope. And find some expectations. I know its easy for me to say. So forgive me if I do sound trite but I do think that the veil of grief can be so overwhelming that there is no way to see the hope. To see the light. To see a way out of it. But the veil does lift. When, I do not know. how, I do not know. Or how slowly, I do not know. I just know that the veil of grief does lift. When the veil of grief lifts, people can finally see beyond the hopelesness and despair. Just my thoughts.
     
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you.
     
  15. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am listening Mo. Just have little say as so many of my feelings echo yours and that definitely would not be supportive should I agree with you. So I won't. What I will say is that I understand where you are coming from yet know that it is not our time to decide. Take it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. Do what you need to do to survive. Whether you believe it or not, your life is precious. No one could fill the void you would leave. Tomorrow may bring the relief you need to make that difference. We do not know what the future has in store. Please do not give up. :hug:
     
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks. Truly.

    There would be no void. Plain and simple. Honestly, I'm not saying that for dramatic effect. There just wouldn't be. It won't be soon, but once I can get certain things taken care of, then we shall see.

    Take care.
     
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hiyas...Just want you to know. You are definitely not alone and do not have to suffer alone. If I can do anything at all please just drop me a PM , if you need to vent/rant/chat whatever, just PM me or come into the chatroom and talk to us.. have never seen you in chat, we're a very friendly bunch and I'm sure it would make you feel better and not alone. Much love and caring at this difficult time, :hug:
     
  18. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    As you know, just got back here...please be kind to yourself...you have every reason to be selfish, and I for one do not see it that way...much caring
     
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks to you both.

    It's fine.

    It's always just fine. It is what it is. I am who I am. What will be will be.... et cetera, et cetera.

    I'm ready to explode to be honest. With hurt and sadness and shame and a host of other bullshit feelings and delightful thoughts.






    An áit a bhuil do chroí is ann a thabharfas do chosa thú. (Your feet will bring you to where your heart is)
     
  20. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Extremely anxious and now the power has gone out and ive things to do so its just one more thing as now i cant get stuff done etc. When will i get a damn break??
     
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