You Let Them

Im just wondering what people think on this statement that a friend of mine has said to me.. its kept me up all night thinking about it.. if im honest its kind of confused me and messed me up even more

wish id never said anything really

"You let people abuse you because thats all you know... thats all you think your good for.. if you stood up and said im not going to let you do this to me anymore, you wouldnt have half the crap going on that you do... so.. You let people hurt and abuse so in a sense its your own fault"


im not sure how to feel about this...
is she blaming me?
or telling the truth?

 

No, no, a hundred times no! It is not your fault at all! Do not let ANYONE blame it on you. If you are in such a state of mind that you don't know what else to do, that's not your fault either. Just don't let anybody tell you that you being abused is your fault, that's the most shit I've ever heard in my life.

 

Thanks for replying,
i just dont know if there is a slight truth to what she is saying.
she goes on about being out of control of my life id rather let someone else have control than face up to it myself, i guess in away shes right.

 

Maybe you don't have control right now but that doesn't mean you can't get it back. You're not alone in being abused, it goes either one of three ways. You end up killing yourself, they end up killing you or you do something about it and get your life back on track.. I know you can do it, you really need to try and get away from this abuse. Is there any friends you can see? Anyone at all?

 

no not really

 

Then you can talk to a doctor and they can set something up for you.

 

so your saying it is my fault?

 

no hun, what i am saying is that it is a mix of both. it is not a black and white subjec, there are areas of grey. we all need a certain amount of control of our lives. sometimes we feel that we are not in control of what happens. your job for instance. i don't want to post about it.

 

i've sent you a pm. x

 

I've done a lot of thinking about this point, and your friend's statement has truth in it, but she does not completely understand what she is trying to say. First off, the abuse that you are suffering, and surviving, through is not your fault. Whoever is abusing you is deciding on their own to take those actions, or say those words, that constitute the abuse. They take responsibility for what they're doing, and have done to you. Let me repeat, the abuse is in no way your fault at all, ever.

The truth, however, is in the underlying statement that to an extent, your actions may either facilitate or end the abuse depending on how much control you have over the situation. If you are a dependent of the abuser (I was in this position until a few months ago), then you have very little control, if any at all. This is a terrible side-effect of the society we live in and its flawed laws. However, if it is a boyfriend or husband, or someone that you are choosing to be with, it is your responsibility to choose whether or not to stay with them. I understand financial concerns affecting that decision, but since I'm not sure if that is indeed your situation, I won't continue for now. If you would like me to, I wouldn't mind in the slightest.

Just to state it clearly: you are responsible for the actions you take, they (the abuser(s)) are responsible for the actions they take. You cannot control someone else, but you can allow yourself to be controlled. Does this make sense?

Another side to this coin is if you've been living with the abuse for awhile. No one is perfect, no one is invincible. Anyone wears down after frequent abuse of any time and once they believe that it's not going to get better, that nothing that they've done has made an effect on the situation and never will, they fall into learned helplessness. If you know that speaking up won't make a difference, why bother talking at all? Why bother hoping anymore? This, I believe, is what your friend is referencing when she says that "You let people abuse you because thats all you know... thats all you think your good for.". Does that make sense? It's scary to enter a new environment after you've become so adept at moving through the one you know now. The unknown is scary, and being in a world without abuse is strange to you. This fear can keep the abuser in power, and the abused cowering, because it's what they both know and understand.

To move on from abuse, to choose to leave your abuser, or refuse to allow them to control you any longer, would require you to accept the unknown and walk into a completely new environment. This is difficult, so incredibly difficult, but necessary for you to live as an individual. If anything I have said doesn't make any sense, please ask about it. I've done a lot of thinking and research on this, and would not mind responding in full. I hope this helps in some way and that whatever pain you're living through gets better.

--ThinkingCap