"You look so much better"

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Mar 25, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    My mum said that to me tonight... and now I'm in my old bed in my old room with tears pressing to pour down my cheeks.

    It's been 2 weeks since she last saw me... I wasn't well then... and I am certainly not well now either.
    I haven't been well since... since... well... I never have been, have I? I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 5 or 6 years where I would have dreams at night about me killing myself; the same dream over and over again... and if I could figure out how to get to the place in my dream I think I would have done it...
    I had my first attempt when I was 9...

    And last night I nearly made my latest attempt after some bad flashbacks to my childhood... at the hands of the same woman who said those words. If I hadn't gotten dressed and gone for that midnight walk I might have... a week ago I was in a psych ER, and my arm is full of cuts from that night...

    And today on my way to my mum I also had to stop myself from doing something stupid on impulse...

    I nearly broke down crying on the train coming here earlier today... I was so scared someone would see... and I did get wet eyes when I sent my boyfriend the last message of the day as he was going home; and this was one of the rare times instead of sending me the heart, he wrote 'I love you'... I'm so emotional.

    I haven't really slept in days... I got a few hours last night when I got home from that walk and managed to stop the thoughts at last...

    What hurts is realizing what a good actress I've become. I've practiced my entire life... I was not allowed to have emotions as a little girl... I learned how to be numb... I learned how to smile and even joke when I'm unwell.
    She told me that, that she noticed I had been laughing a lot today... joking around with the pets and stuff...

    And I screamed bloody murder when she as a joke sneaked up on me and poked me in the back... how hilarious. *rolls eyes*. The dog defended me though... growling and ran to jump up at my mum to get her away from me. Micky is such a good dog.

    I had to tell my therapist this at the first session... that I often smiled when I shouldn't be... I do that to avoid crying... (my therapist is working on that too... making me cry on purpose during sessions and creating a safe atmosphere)...

    I am thinking about this line from one of my fave TV shows... "Am I happy too? I haven't checked..."

    Am I happy?
    Today my boyfriend told me that he's going to work at the docks where he lives during his holiday to speed up his savings for him to come here... he doesn't know when he's coming... but he is. And he wants to. I can't believe someone would work hard on even getting to be with me.

    Me?? The fat girl with the weird second hand clothes and no social skills who would rather read about mummified bodies than playing football... the one the others threw rocks at? Strangers threw bottles at from cars? The little girl the older boys would make do stuff to for their own pubescent sexual thrills, ME??

    I love him so much though... and I want him to like me. I just need to fully learn that he does...
    I am happy that he is coming. I am happy that one day we'll live together and probably start a little loving family... He's amazing with kids... and apparently so am I. I just need to get well first...

    So... am I better? I really don't feel it. Not at all.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    It's okay for you to feel emotions, and for you to express them. I'm glad you're doing that here. *hugs* I'm also really glad you have a boyfriend who likes you just the way you are.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I know its hard to not hide how you feel but I also know how hard it is to keep that mask up all the time. Please don't burn yourself out this weekend.

    You need to find people you can trust and feel safe with so you can let your mask down (easier said than done) a friend or therapist after the relationship had been built up.

    Some people don't need to know how vanurable you are such as your mother......

    Please try and look after yourself your important to me *big hugs*
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  4. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    This is the reason that he loves you. Because you care about him, because you love him and he is wise and lucky enough to see it. May all the waiting and hard work end soon and you start your sweet family. Take good care of yourself for your sake and your boyfriend's sake. Hugs for you :)
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    He loves you because you are an amazing person and have a witty,fun personality. I think your levels of self esteem could do wit self oh being worked on and confidence. I admire what your therapist is doing and think it's a great strategy, good luck with it. The fact your boyfriend said ''I love you'' means a a lot and obviously it makes you happy and feel better about your LDR, are ye meeting up this year? I hope ye do meet up, ye will have a blast 'cos you are such a fun person. Good luck with everything.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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