You love this, don't you?

I'm sitting here trying to get the thoughts of him out of my mind. I thought, I'd just go to sleep, it'd go away. I really did...and I can't seem to go to sleep.

I feel sick, so sick about everything, all these things I've done. I don't know why I couldn't be stronger, and I know this doesn't even make sense.

About three and a half years back, there was someone in my life, that I just couldn't imagine a future without...I didn't even think of it. I seen us together, getting married, having children, and being successful. Things were getting a little rough for him, us being a long distance relationship, since I couldn't leave my family at the time, and than, he couldn't I told him we should take a break...though I really didn't want to. I just wanted something normal, someone to touch me, to be able to hold me, be close to me. You see, I can't say I've had the worst life, as far as I can remember I've never been sexually abused, never been beaten, though I've had a few physical abuse incidents. I've been verbally abused as long as I can remember, until finally I got away from it all. At 18 I grabbed my bags and didn't look back. I miss my family, I love them beyond words, but they put me through so much.

My mother, a drug abuser, suicidal, to watch those things growing up, so many pills, so many weeks, days, months she's missed out of my life. That I abandoned my sister, she has cerebral palsy, and I feel as though I've abandoned her. I was her only friend, but I couldn't take it anymore, I've tried to kill myself so many of times because of things that happened throughout life. I have two dads, 0 fathers. I had a step dad, one who abused my mother, literally she died on the operation table, and was revived five minutes later because of him. My real father, he's a horrible, petty, ignorant man. He will not take responsibility for having any of his children, he just gets women pregnant and leaves.

My older sister, the person I've always tried so hard to treat her good, I was so worried she'd attempt suicide herself, all the abuse my step dad put her through...only she HATES me she really just fcking hates my guts. I don't know why, she got pregnant at 15, and I was there by her side, though she never seen it. I literally did EVERY thing for her, raising my niece. I was eventually kicked out of their lives...

Now, I'm half way across the country, thinking how can I keep getting hurt? Why do I even have feelings now??! So, now the person I poured everything out to, the guy I loved so deeply...

Well, after a short break, we'd gotten back together and he didn't seem as though he had changed, but really he had. About a month later, he ended it, very abruptly...He couldn't tell me why...though I think it had to do with my family or maybe it was him being young and wanting some leash... We didn't talk for so long, but eventually I let him back in, promising that I'd always be his friend. I will always be here for him, despite how bad this hurts now. Hearing how he's getting married (though he told me over and over again, how he's too young to consider marriage), how he's going to be a father soon (though he said he didn't think he'd ever have kids), how he is just nervous, afraid, how it's funny but he'd thought he'd end up marrying me, guess not?? He knows I'm with someone else, and he knows what he holds of why is he doing this?

Why does he say, "In a way, I still love you." I STILL FCKING LOVE YOU! Leave me alone, don't. That would hurt more, never talking to you, not knowing how you are...what if you'd die? You'll just vanish to me. Don't you know how much that would hurt to me? You never told your family, afraid they'd not understand, you being Indian, traditions, morals, values...

You say that you're horrified yet pleased by where I am, do you think it's you, who has paved the way? I don't know...I wish I could blame you, but my life were screwed before you came in it. You were my own sanity, my closest friend...the only person who understood me....

Don't tell me you regret it when I cried, I BEGGED you to rethink what you were doing...there have been so many chances...

Don't tell me, "If I could have it my way, I'd make you come live here, work with me."

You just said you're getting married, stop trying to make me take that away from you! STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME RUIN YOUR LIFE!

I just want to be happy, please...I'm starting up school again...I'm going to be a foreign language teacher, a know that. I'm going to go every where I say I am. Don't haunt me anymore...don't tug at me please...please just let go...because I can't.

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Staff Alumni
This is a very sad way to live...I know; I lived in the past for many years, never allowing myself to move on, until one day, one of my best friends told me that he insisted (not easy to do with me) that I have nothing to do with my ex anymore...since that day, I have not, and have attempted to make a new was a struggle, but I am glad I listened...J


Active Member
sad. . .I have to say that I dont completely undrestand how you ended up the way you did. .but, I would echo the notion of living for the future adn not in teh past. . the hurt will dissapate over time. .if you let it. .
good luck.. . I know thepain of lving in tehpast all too well. . I struggle with it all the time. . .

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