You Probably Think I'm Crazy...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Psychosomatattack, Apr 18, 2012.

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  1. Psychosomatattack

    Psychosomatattack Active Member

    Okay, anyone who reads this is probably going to think I'm crazy. Just a heads up. You may feel the urge to laugh out loud. However, as ridiculous as it sounds, it is a severe problem for me that I am suicidal about, as well as deeply ashamed BECAUSE it seems like such a ridiculous thing to be suicidal over. But anyway, here it goes...

    I think I have BDD. But it's one specific body part (or parts, I suppose). My hands. No, I'm not joking. I am a petite woman (5'1), but my hands are even small for my height. I can't tell if my perception of them is just distorted, or if they truly are freakish, but honestly I am paranoid that they are freakishly small. I know the term "freakish" is very subjective, but I'm sure you get my point: I think they are too small for my body (not in proportion). Just to give an idea, they are JUST below the 6 inch line on a ruler (yes, I've measured them... I know, crazy). I've obsessively researched this stuff online so I know that they are about 0.7 inches smaller than the average of what they should be, whatever that means.

    Now, if you're wondering if anyone has ever said anything to me about them, the short answer is, yes, some people have. Usually it's only if I bring it up first: "I have small hands" *person looks* "Yeah, you do!" But there were a few times when it was brought up without prelude. I was on a date once and the guy said, out of nowhere, "You have small hands. I noticed it over dinner." WTF. Of ALL the things he could have said, he picked the one thing I super super self-conscious about/depressed over. I had been feeling relatively happy up until that point, and after that my world just crumbled. I was convinced I was a freak with these teeny tiny hands (think Burger King commercial, haha...). Now, no matter how much my friends and family try to convince me otherwise, I believe I am a freak.

    I need to see a therapist who has experience treating BDD. I probably need to also go back on medication. I don't have insurance at the moment though, so I need to get that first.

    Why am I posting this here? I don't know. I guess the compulsive BDD behaviors in me want me to ask you all to reassure me, but I already know that won't work. I've posted this story on a couple other forums (which didn't help much), so if you've seen me before, sorry haha.

    I am just so depressed and desperate. I just want normal hands :'( It's such a stupid, simple thing, why did I have to get ridiculously small hands? Nobody wants to feel like a freak... :(

    I have a half-thought-out plan for suicide as well. I plan on getting help but I still feel that dying would just be... easier, I guess. Hah. I don't REALLY want to die, but I am just so tired of fighting the tormenting thoughts, they scare me and I am drained.

    Yeah, sorry this was so long...
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    ......but it needed to be long, to explain where you're at. And that's perfectly valid, and deserving of a reply, huggs :concern: Honey, 'normal' is a concept. All of us struggle with something in our lives that we don't consider normal, and would like to be rid of, get it healed, etc. Mine was something so embarrassing for me, I would not have the guts to post it in a forum, so good on you for doing yours, hun!

    If people are so really insensitive and tactless as to point out a person's "imperfections" (or, rather, and more accurately, PERCEIVED "imperfections") - then really, they themselves are too shallow to need to be bothered with. Their opinion is not Gospel Truth on the matter of your acceptability and it is THEY who have the problem, honey, not the way you were made. We are not responsible for our genetics - and to have the attitude "Hey, so what.... if it bothers anyone they are not worth bothering with" is something you can practice - and it will make you stronger.
  3. Psychosomatattack

    Psychosomatattack Active Member

    Thank you for the reply...
  4. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Sorry about the insurance gap. Tough going through that knowing you need some help but have barriers in the way, like this, preventing you. Hope you can get back on meds and into therapy soon. Get yourself a proper diagnosis, start to tackle some of these issues. Not only the BDD, but the depression as well.

    Take care, okay?
  5. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    I will be the last person to think that you are crazy or to laugh. Clearly, this post indicates that what you are going through is about so much more than hand size. An organic disorder can definitely lead you to obsesses over what seems, on the surface and to outsiders, like an insignificant feature. But to the afflicted person, this feature can become your life. I'm so sorry that your brain has led you down this path. It sounds like a terrible place to be. I send you my hugs and my efforts to understand. I certainly am not laughing at you. I don't see how anyone can find your distress humorous. You mentioned that you don't have insurance, yet you need to go back on medication. Did your medication help you in the past? Can you tell us a little bit more about that?

    I'm glad that you decided to reach out. We are here for you.
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