You will be better off..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kiba, Jul 16, 2013.

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  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    You would all be better off if I could just commit.. Honest I think thats why everyone is backstabbing me this way.. they know Im at my limit.. I can't take this anyone.. Everyone trying to turn things against me.. my parents, online, the hospital, friends I try and set things up with ditching me.. I get the hint ok? :'( I fucking get the hint..

    I'm a peice of shit who doesn't belong in this world.. I try helping people who was homeless when I had a place only for them to give me death threats.. I seen things out where I used to live and never reported to police and Im sure if they havent caught the guy and he saw me he want me dead.. My best friend has a hit out on her from a local gang and Im sure they want me dead if they know Im associated to her..

    Parents suposedly want my brother to socialize with me then tell him not to play a certain game with me the next day.. and then the games ok again a week or so later.. Trying to tell my best friend all this crap like how I use too much water and how she made me more gay.. Telling me how I'm basically making myself anxious because of me DECIDING to be transgender and how people stare at me in public because of it. because of my "lifestyle"..

    The hospital I not been to in forever but the only times before they tell me they can't help me.. have laughed behind my back.. told me to stop acting like a child.. and Im sure they want me dead on their table.

    Online groups blaming me for things I didn't do.. On both ends.. simply maybe for association to each other.. But I didn't do anything..

    Setting up meetings to hang out with people and then them canceling on me.. maybe because they know Im a peice of shit.. who can't shut up and causes a lot of problems..

    I know Im easy prey.. I wish I could just die and make you all happy.. or if not happy see how much pain you are all causing me..

    But if you actually knew me you would know I don't abandon people who do need me.. which is why I can't commit at this time.. I don't abandon my best friend.. because she would be on streets with no money at all because I pay for everything.. But I did tell her one day I would commit.. and that I plan to do.. someday when Im not needed to stabalize anyone.. but even my dreams have told me that everyone will hate me.. and I should stand alone..

    I want to die and show all my pains.. I want it to be slow and struggling.. I want to symbolize all the pain and torture you have put me through.. and put it to an end as I will one day..
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Youkai, you and I have known each other a long time. Now, trust me when I say this..we would NOT be better off without you. You are my friend, I know we don't talk much anymore but you're still a friend and I would miss you a lot. Your friend is extremely lucky to have you..she must be so grateful, please don't do anything silly and I hope you begin to feel better soon :hug: I remember last september I was anxious in college on the computer there and YOU helped me, you helped me a lot that day and I won't forget it.
     
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Thanks.. but I feel the majority of people only pretend to care.. only pretend to backstab me later.. and unfortunetly I don't trust anyone now.. :'( I been trying hard not to do anything stupid.. really hard.. so far Ive managed to avoid anything too serious.. but its getting hard these days I am alone.. and I cant distract myself with anything.. and all I can do is cry..
     
  4. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member



    i do understand about the feeling of people pretending to care... you know i get that a lot too- and it's so frustrating at times

    i think for now think about why you're here.... even if it's the small things, and live for that- we are here listening.. we do care for real
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun don't harm you ok please you know we care hell with ones that don't hun we care ok
     
  6. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry.. I'm just so down.. feeling alone.. and I got banned from another chat site just because I asked someone about their service dog.. I really don't feel very accepted anywhere.. I have like nothing..
     
  7. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member



    but that's why we're here.... we're here to listen and support you:). so it's a great thing you joined

    how are you feeling today?
     
  8. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I joined a long time ago emily.. and i feel like shit.. I dont want to be awake but I dont want to sleep either because of bad dreams..
     
  9. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member



    you should stay on and talk to us... post what ever you need to to feel better.
     
  10. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I been having bad dreams about parents and government forcing me medications and spiking my food.. and of people threatening to kill my dog.. I am tired of feeling betrayed and back stabbed.. Or easily targeted if people know my memory problems..
     
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Youkai, I'm sorry you're having bad dreams and a rough time. Are you stressed about something in your waking life - something that you keep a lid on? I find that I dream more and have nasty dreams if I'm avoiding negative feelings while I'm awake. I hope you get some better rest soon and feel a lot better for it. :hug:
     
  12. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    There's many things.. I am currently living in bio parents garage and by legal standards have been homeless for a year and a half.. I am avoiding many things.. I don't have a therapist right now because I'm tired of rejection and such.. I have no words for many friends' deaths right now.. Having lot of physical pains.. My dog has been threatened to be killed before by a cop and parents has spiked my food before.. and dealing with how they are.. which I rather not say openly.. And I been making myself busy applying for section 8 based housing places and was given deadline of staying here.. and not being accepted as who I am.. not being able to transition or feel safe anywhere.. Having issues with form of self abuse been doing to self for years and haven't told anyone about.. problems with being aggressive lately and idk why.. plus all this framing me and blaming me for things I didn't do.. people standing me up after making plans to hang out more then once.. and more then 1 person.. im sure theres more.. I just have blanked it from my memory :(
     
  13. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I can absolutely understand that you're stressed! That's a lot to be going on for anyone.

    I'm not sure I understand about the therapist and rejection, Youkai. Has a therapist rejected you in the past, and you're afraid it will happen again? Or is it that so many people in recent days have left you feeling rejected you fear a therapist will be no different?

    Most therapists will not "reject" a client unless they feel they do not have the knowledge/skills to properly support and help the person. Depending on where you live and how services are paid for, there can be a long wait for one-to-one therapy unless you can pay out of pocket for private care.

    Have you gone to the local ER to talk to them there and express your concerns? You could print out what you have said and show it to them. It might give them a better picture of how things are and what you need.

    There's many things.. I am currently living in bio parents garage and by legal standards have been homeless for a year and a half.. I am avoiding many things.. I don't have a therapist right now because I'm tired of rejection and such.. I have no words for many friends' deaths right now.. Having lot of physical pains.. My dog has been threatened to be killed before by a cop and parents has spiked my food before.. and dealing with how they are.. which I rather not say openly.. And I been making myself busy applying for section 8 based housing places and was given deadline of staying here.. and not being accepted as who I am.. not being able to transition or feel safe anywhere.. Having issues with form of self abuse been doing to self for years and haven't told anyone about.. problems with being aggressive lately and idk why.. plus all this framing me and blaming me for things I didn't do.. people standing me up after making plans to hang out more then once.. and more then 1 person.. im sure theres more.. I just have blanked it from my memory

    In the meantime, keep posting here. Please don't act on your self-destructive feelings. You're made of more than those feelings...and that "more" is worth staying alive for. :hug:
     
  14. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I have had many not know how to help me.. or all they can say is.. "yeah, uhuh, ok".. I have been with different therapists a long time.. also do not feel they believe or understand me.. I also have had many bad experiences in residentials and facilities as a youth with them forcing me to do things and purposely triggering me.. which is why I need a therapist who understands all my issues.. and Id never go to ER.. They hate me there.. I have been many times and they told me last time they cant help me.. Same with doctor basically tell me I am outside her field.. Or tell me all my physical problems is stress.. which I don't believe they are all stress.. I only had one who believed me but I didn't like how they tried to diagnose me on first assessment. told me I either have DID or Brain Damage.. also her program only helped until age 21 but I am older then that now.. There was a trauma center suggested also but my insurance wont cover it.. I have a number I am supposed to call for another place but I just cant seem to get myself to.. I have been rejected for many programs also because I cant take medications or rather many due to an allergy.. It makes me feel like no one wants me.. or no one cares..
     
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