You

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by MoAnamCara, May 10, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So you thought you could control me

    I suppose you did for long enough

    Long enough to have me subdued by fear

    Drugging me up so you could do as you wish

    The thoughts now cause me panic

    To let you rape me

    It was so much easier that way

    Easier than hearing the words

    Feeling my skin jump when the walls were banged

    But you had everything wrapped up in a love bow

    What a joke

    Hanging up the phone when I was calling out for help

    That one scared me

    Locking me out of the house

    Just for your own kicks

    I should have ran

    But I didn't

    I thought things would get better

    I thought things would change

    I wanted to be happy

    I wanted someone to care

    You cared alright,

    Just enough to have me to yourself completely, no friends & no family.

    Isolation so I would comply with your every request, too fearful to go against you

    Its so easy to type all this, yet I blame myself for allowing you to control me, dictate my life to me, have me do things that I questioned only internally.

    How long are you going to stay in my mind, enter my thoughts when they are so full of other things?

    How long can I live with this, over and over and over?

    The answer - not too much longer.
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i am so sorry you were hurt. i hope you can begin to heal, with the comfort and support of the people here on SF. so many of us can relate to what you wrote. even though our stories are different, our abusers share many of the same tricks. hugs,

    c
     
  3. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I can feel your pain and frustration. I wish I knew what to say, but I just simply don't know what to say.

    I am sorry this happened to you, and I am sorry it haunts you like this. :hug:
     
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Much gratitude to you both.
     
  5. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im sorry Mona that you were hurt, I hope that getting this out helped. Hugs
     
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you

    Its like I am there all over again

    I can see myself

    I can feel the physical pain

    I remember my hope that the doctor seeing the damage would remove me from the situation

    The denial that I chose this person

    Being scared to fall asleep

    The shame, too much shame

    I need these thoughts to go away, I cannot deal with them at this time.
     
  7. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I nede teh toughts to go awy to. I will pary for you.
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So the thoughts return.

    Am trying to box them up and put them away, but its not working.

    Its a little difficult trying to deal with things going on currently, but to have these thoughts and images and feelings come at me from left field whenever they wish is not pleasant.

    What is my subconscious trying to tell me? How do those experiences mesh with whats going on now? I can't quite figure it out.

    I'm unsure if trying to figure it out is smart either. Maybe thats just bringing things to the forefront again?

    And each time my chest constricts, still, after all this time. My throat tightens as it is at this very moment and I am scared, I feel just scared.

    How can I store these things away for right now? I'll get back to them someday, but just not anytime soon.
     
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im my experiences you cant make them go away, you can calm them, but do you worry that it will come back 10 fold? I use to push and push my abuse back, now I face it head on, what happened to me and to you was not our faults, I hope you know that. And the more you push back the more your telling yourself that its your fault that you should hide because of it, and thats not fair to you and to the life your trying to create for you.

    The abuse that was put on us is a horrible life experience, but turn it around to show others that you made it through it that you can help others make it through it. We need more and more strong people to speak up about things, let others know its okay, to tell them its usually not about them.

    Hugs honey, I hope you feel better soon.
     
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Perhaps you could acknowledge each thing, but tell yourself as you acknowledge it that you can't deal with it right now, so it will have to wait. That sometimes helps me.
     
  11. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    Im sorry these thoughts are coming back all the time. Its very hard to deal with them when we are in a fragile state. I hope you are ok hun xxx
     
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you have a therapist, right?
    maybe you can write stuff down as you remember, or think about it, and put it aside. then bring it out when you get to therapy and are in a safe place. sort of deferring til later.
     
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you all

    I just don't feel now is the right time for me to get into all of this in therapy and my T agrees. We had started to a while ago before current circumstances got worse but she suggested we stop and I agreed. I have written some things down before but have only shared a little bit with her. Even now typing this, I can feel the panic starting. Just too frustrating.

    I'll continue to type perhaps when the thoughts come to mind. I try to distract so I don't get too worked up, maybe this isn't the best way to handle things.

    I'd love to be able to buy some billboards and post their pictures with select wording. I know its not a nice thing and I would feel bad, but also a certain amount of satisfaction, the last laugh as they call it.

    Maybe when I hit the lottery.

    Okay, time to go think happy thoughts or something again,

    Thank you all for your responses. Much appreciated.
     
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    It seems as though you are still controlling my life.

    Your face flashes before me,

    Making my breathing shallow.

    Your voice & the sounds you made when doing things,

    Resound in my ears as though you are right beside me.

    Loud noises,

    Still make me jump as if I'm expecting something to happen.

    The physical pain,

    Still resonates in my body.

    And now I realize I created this situation. Perhaps I knew this all along but didn't want to acknowledge such.

    I did this, it was my fault.

    The cuts tonight are deserved, my punishment perhaps? But also, they let me numb these thoughts, images & feelings which still reside in my mind and body.

    How do I deal with this realization now? Will I be honest or continue to hide that it was me? All me.
     
  15. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it wasn't your fault

    why do you think it was?
     
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Because of being me.
     
  17. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You are a women - and women are the weaker sex in physical terms. Though we have this notion of equality - the fact remains men are generally stronger than women.

    You say it was your fault somehow - because of you being you?

    Men being the stronger sex have a moral obligation to refrain from using any of this physical power in a violent manner towards woman. More so we also have an obligation to never use our physical power to abuse a women or child or anyone who is not a risk to you and your liberty.

    It is no woman's fault EVER when they are raped. If a women says 'no' the average man knows all too well the feeling when we have heard those words. You might be in the throws of passion - but I don't really care - no means no, and men who disregard that are the scum of the earth - a curse to all nations which harbour such beasts.

    You were no more to blame than the victim of a murder might be to blame. The world is a place in which men and women have choices. The rapists or abusers of this world - some are forged by abuse - but many I would tender are forged by their own weakness. It is a weakness for a man not to be able to control his sexual urges. Also, many are twisted by a myriad of thing I should not wonder - porn is a big player - I doubt there are any rapists who have not perhaps been twisted by the offerings online.

    I'm not saying people who watch porn are potential rapists - but porn is about sex only - it is far removed from the act of love, in privacy between consenting adults. What should be something beautiful and perhaps sacred - was turned into an evil defiling act. Rape is the worse crime a man can commit. The sentences dished out are usually laughable - and one might only hope that the current generation make sure that the law sits up and takes notice.

    I know a few women who were raped. I was fairly close them at one time - and so I was the shoulder for comfort - someone who listened and on one occasion, even ventured so far to confront the rapist - who fled the country and later died of a heart attack abroad, pretty much broke - buried in a land were nobody will grieve him.

    And in my beliefs - dying is were the sh** would truly hit the fan as a pi**ed off God, in a angry and wrathful mood, does what we hope God will do to evil people whose repentance is a lie.

    One girl I knew way back - never went to the cops. In the 1980s - in the UK, the average cop would making jokes about rape. Male officers sent to examine you - and interrogate you. Women often never went forwards.

    I know from friends in the jail that rapists are always made unwelcome. People actually vie for the chance to injure them - and from the word go - the rapists are verbally abused at every step although they are on a different wing than normal baddies who have respect for women.

    Why should sex offenders be living in an area without the people in that area knowing?

    Even if they cry about being 'reformed' - you are not reformed are you? They hurt you and your still dealing with it. Worse, you even think that you are to blame!

    Fu** that!

    There's blame there - but that blame lies squarely on the shoulders of men who went against their own moral judgement - who condemned themselves the moment they laid a hand on you without consent.

    You are not to blame!

    They hurt you - but don't let your soul carry their wretched weight of guilt upon you.

    I just hope and pray that you will one day be able to KNOW in your heart that the world is brutal place sometimes. Good people have bad things happen to them - sometimes the things that happen are so horrible that it shapes how you see the world. Sometimes it shapes how you see yourself - and with sexual abuse it is common for victims to apportion blame to themselves because the mind has been traumatised to the point whereby logic is not easily seen.

    I have studied the sex slave trade - historically and present day. In the UK we often discover brothels occupied by anyone from Africa to China, to East Europeans. A lot of these girls are tricked into coming to the UK - they think they have work as a maid or some such legit job waiting for them. Bear in mind many of these girls will be young - not able to speak English and perhaps very naive about the world.

    They are, reports say - raped upon arrival - to 'break them in' as you would a horse. They are sent to brothels, often houses, or various massage parlours. In the average shift - I think the girls are expected to 'entertain' about 8 men. Men of my age - mid forties, and older, flock to these places despite the fact the girls may well be enslaved.

    Point being - I hope you survive this because it gives hope to other women who have been and are being abused. When you are feeling better in yourself, I find you quite an educated and pretty resourceful women. I just hope that things connect in life in these coming months and hopefully you can wrestle the notion of you being to blame out of your life forever.

    A lot of kids being bullied also think THEY are to blame.

    Please ask yourself MoAnamCara - does the bullied kid blame him or herself because they look different perhaps? Wear a brace? Glasses? Walk with a limp?

    Everyday, in the UK we have a number of rapes recorded. In each instance the circumstances change - might be someone they knew -- worse still family, and sometimes just some sick bas**** who prowls the streets.

    A few, I'm sure, will visit this website because after rape will come depression - and what do we get with depression?

    Bloody guilt!

    That is your vicious circle MoAnamCara - but you know this and maybe if someone else points out this guilt fixation it might persuade you that you guilt might be misplaced.

    You've misplaced it so far that its a wonder it is not circumnavigating the globe in the upper atmosphere! Sincerely!

    My regards.

    PS - IF you go to the local library - and if there were reports of the offenders being convicted - it is LEGAL for you to put up their newspaper cuttings online.

    PM me if you want to do this - I could get the names in Google in 48 hrs, plus a few links from other blogs and sites to spread the wor
     
  18. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    It was easier for me to be subjected to what was expected/demanded physically than to be subjected to the alternative emotional/psychological hurt. I was in a relationship with this person.

    So, even though they did not see my tears, hear my whimpers of pain - what did I do to stop this? nothing.

    I understand the logical reasonings, I would never assume anyone who experienced something similar was to blame whatsoever.

    Unfortunately my logical mind is less strong than my emotional mind, and that includes the feelings of guilt.

    Thank you for your thoughtful response.
     
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    What a fool I was.

    Gave myself completely.

    Believed the lies.

    Have I repeated?
     
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