You'll always be in my heart. *Can be triggering*

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by houseofcards, Jun 25, 2011.

  1. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    Not many of you guys know about my RL situation, but I'm not close to my biological family. I basically live separately from my parents in our house and don't do much with them. I do my thing, they do theirs.

    Over the past few years I've played tons of MMORPG's, starting with the sims online when I was only 8; starwars galaxies online, city of heroes/villians, and secondlife eventually followed, and now my latest fixation is World of Warcraft.

    As I moved on from game to game, I kept all of my friends close to me and we eventually all felt like family. I had a mom, dad, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, even great-grandparents, and all of the other titles I failed to mention.

    When one of us had problems, everybody would chip in to help. For instance when I was 15 - I temporarily lived with my Grandma because tension between me and my father went way beyond what I felt comfortable at. My "Mom", the person I feel the closest to - out of every single person I know, didn't think for more than a second and volunteered to let me move in with her if I felt things got any worse. Things never got worse, but she always kept her door open to me.

    Her biological father was like my Grandfather, and he unfortunately is the person I am making this post about. I've known him for just as long as I've known my "Mother figure" - 8 years. He was a great guy, he took in three of his nieces/nephews because their mother died. He was an underwear model and went on random stints all around the world, and had a second house in Europe. His latest modeling trip he went on was in Jamaica (or somewhere around there), and was reported missing about 10 months ago. He was gone for a total of 13 months and the police finally changed his status to deceased.

    I've been having really messed up dreams for the past week. I've talked to a few SF members about it, but it was basically about my RL Grandmother dying. The first day it wasn't really detailed, but the one I had last night was very very vivid and I remember it very clearly, even though as the day goes on you're "supposed to forget the majority of your dreams". I was basically in her house and we were sitting at the table in her dining room, and she put her hand over her heart and asked me to grab her hand and never let go, and to never lose faith. Then she died. It repeated over and over and I always tried to change the scenario so she wouldn't die, but she ends up dying anyways.

    What's ironic about this is that maybe it's a sign to me about him dying. Even though it was my Grandmother being used as a symbol,maybe because his nickname from me was Jenny, my "Grandfather" had a heart condition and he would always complain about it. He also always told my "Mom" to never lose faith. She went through her stuff a few days ago because she's planning on moving back to the east coast, and one of the things she looked at was a poem written by him and the very end had “Never lose faith” on it. Maybe it's me just trying to make things set in my head, but what is the chance of this dream happening and then come to find out a grandparent figure died to me?

    Anyways, I want to get to the point that I love and miss him very, very much. Without you, I would have had a very small drive to be alive to even discover suicideforum. I wouldn't have met all of these wonderful people that have actually allowed me to socialize. Without you, I wouldn't have had somebody to look up to. You gave me faith; you helped me when I was raped, you helped me when I was pregnant and miscarried, you made me promise to never give up no matter what happened. Thank you so much for being in my life, and I'll keep you in a special place in my heart.

    I wish I believed in heaven and all of that, but I hope that wherever your mind is, that it is more peaceful and safe than here. I don't know if you died from natural causes or were murdered, but I also hope that your body is properly buried/cremated and given to your family that loves you and misses you more than anything. If there is a heaven, please continue to look after me. I love you. :love:
  2. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    houseofcards that's beautiful.. :hug: I'm very sorry for your loss, though
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry for your loss, but know that he lives as your beauty and caring...big hugs, J