Young attempt (may trigger)

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Rainfall, Apr 25, 2012.

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  1. Rainfall

    Rainfall Well-Known Member

    I just needed to get this off my chest. Judge me all you like.

    I was, to put it kindly, an absolute d*ck when I was younger, even worse than I am now.

    I was nearly killed by pneumonia when I was around 8. I didn't know it at the time, but I was. It was very sudden, and I had to be transfered to a different, better suited, hospital during my treatment. Having pneumonia was terrible, and it was quite a severe case too. But, it also turned out to be a calmer of my asthma.

    After I left hospital, my asthma had settled down by 75%. this gave me more leverage to have a more active life, a life every kid wants. I ran more, laughed more, etc...

    One day, at a neighbour's party, a few other kids and I were pouring buckets of water down the playground slide, in an attempt to create our own water slide. Being kids, the slide quickly deserted our attention, and we ended up having a water fight. I was holding my own for a while until I was embarrassed completely by a 5 year old girl, called Hannah. She had tactically aimed a splash if water at my groin area. Then came the roar of laughter and pointing.

    The 'pee' joke affected me greatly, as I had poor bladder control problems, and wet underwear was a common theme fir me. To be laughed at for it made me angry. In my mind, Hannah had to pay.

    I went to the sink with a bucket, and filled it with water...boiling water. I went outside abd chucked it at Hannah. Her scream was banshee-like, her skin steamed and burned as my cruel child-demon eyes watched, with a playful smile. At that moment I enjoyed watching her burn. I was a monster.

    The group of parents at first thought it was just an over reaction to a revenge splash of ice-cold water. They laughed at the 'innocence' of the scene. Then I remember my mum leaping to her feet as she saw Hannah's skin turn bright red. Laughter stopped, and all eyes watched in horror at my twisted grin.

    My mum immediately snatched me up as the other adults attended to Hannah. I was told off repeatedly with full fury. But I can also remember the fear in my mother's eyes. A fear that I would become a greater monster in the future. I cried, not because I had burnt someone, but because I had a small section of my trousers wet with cold water.

    I remained unaware of the pain I had caused for a few years. Luckly Hannah made a full recovery.

    One night, when I was 11, I had a sudden revelation. Something snapped inside of me. It was the first time I had ever gone to a Buddhist temple. We went on a school trip. I remember straying from the group, walking slowly up to the giant Buddha at the end if the room, collapsing to my knees, and having a revelation on the horrors I had caused that day. I realised how twisted I was. I realised I was a monster.

    I went home, and attempted. My first attempt. (Un)fortunately I cut myself in the wrong area, so it was non-fatal.

    I dreamt that night that I was back at the staye of Buddha. I asked him "How can I die and get what I deserve?". He replied "Dying is not the answer. Dying is the conclusion. The answer can only be found when one is conscious to the world. The conclusion is a chore, the answer is inspiring"

    Five years later, here I any. Not free from suicidal thoughts, but this memory stops me every time. I'm Zen Buddhist, and practicing meditation to try to control the monster instead me that has winced split my mind.

    I regret all the pain I cause and will cause. I wish sometimes that I died from pneumonia, I would save many from pain that I cause.
     
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I found your post very inspirational, actually, Rainfall. I read something last night that helps me to understand it, but I'm not sure how it would be received on public display here. If you want to PM me - it's about the dying thing being the conclusion and the answer being inspiring.
     
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