Your Bi-Polar stories
- Thread starter PressedIn
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I have been wanting to post to your question for some time now, but unsure of how to word it. I have never tried to put into words what I am going thru with MDI. This is good theraphy.
I'd like to know how you, or anyone you know, handles their MDI, and what happens when you go throuugh the highs and lows, hypomania, and depressive mania.
I usually experience depressive episodes. During these terrible times, I cry a lot, lose my apetite (great to lose 10 lbs), procrastate (don't want to write letters) and basically do nothing (play cards on the pc for hours). I do pay my bills and wash the dishes, use the toilet, dress, brush teeth, but thats all. I stay on the internet reading things or library books reading.
I am in a severe depression state now. I feel I drain ppl so I avoid social settings. Friends don't want to be with a sour puss. I uderstand that. I don't want to "fake it till I make it"---YOU go do that if its so fun! I also have a great problem making decisions. I allowed family to make a very important decision for me and I am having to deal with the awful effects of this. Bi-Polar affected my job in that I am not working now. I have a college degree but am not sure I can be re-hired in my field due to a criminal record also due to bi-polar. It really screwed me. Anger makes me more depressed. I am sure I can find more adjectives for this topic.
I wish I had more manic, fun, happy times. But only have had slight manic when I do not get tired until later. I can stay awake for 36+ hours. When I have an appt. I am scared I may miss it, so I do not want to sleep...too weird! It is not always fun, but with good meds I sleep soundly now. I have had times, when I organize a painting party to paint a friends condo. It did work well, but was crazy for me to have done!! I do not do many manic behaviors. I am sure manics do not want to come down, yet I would much rather be manic than depressive. How do you bring someone to the surface that is trapped 500 feet below and covered with cement and pipes, metals. I want to come up. I don't know how
Medications has helped me a lot. I do not enjoy taking pills, yet I feel more calm and in control with them. I am on a different cocktail of meds now than when I was first diagnosised. I wish people would give me a break and see if not as I was but how I am now.
Having bi-polar has wrecked my career (I lost jobs I was gossiped about),
my marriage (my husband left me and is scared of me, calls me violent, kept my child from me), my social life (I do not feel I have many friends. The friends I have maintained are 20 yr old friendships. I am scared of new friends seeing a bad side of me). I HATE boardline/bi-polar disorders. I really wish it was easy to face.
I feel it really sux. Mainly cuz there is no real medical diagnositic test for it, so some ppl will not believe the symptoms or actions are due to your brain chemicals being off kilter. I have had ppl tell me I was making excuses for acting that way. that hurts, I don't want to feel this shitty.
I'd like to know how you, or anyone you know, handles their MDI, and what happens when you go throuugh the highs and lows, hypomania, and depressive mania.
I usually experience depressive episodes. During these terrible times, I cry a lot, lose my apetite (great to lose 10 lbs), procrastate (don't want to write letters) and basically do nothing (play cards on the pc for hours). I do pay my bills and wash the dishes, use the toilet, dress, brush teeth, but thats all. I stay on the internet reading things or library books reading.
I am in a severe depression state now. I feel I drain ppl so I avoid social settings. Friends don't want to be with a sour puss. I uderstand that. I don't want to "fake it till I make it"---YOU go do that if its so fun! I also have a great problem making decisions. I allowed family to make a very important decision for me and I am having to deal with the awful effects of this. Bi-Polar affected my job in that I am not working now. I have a college degree but am not sure I can be re-hired in my field due to a criminal record also due to bi-polar. It really screwed me. Anger makes me more depressed. I am sure I can find more adjectives for this topic.
I wish I had more manic, fun, happy times. But only have had slight manic when I do not get tired until later. I can stay awake for 36+ hours. When I have an appt. I am scared I may miss it, so I do not want to sleep...too weird! It is not always fun, but with good meds I sleep soundly now. I have had times, when I organize a painting party to paint a friends condo. It did work well, but was crazy for me to have done!! I do not do many manic behaviors. I am sure manics do not want to come down, yet I would much rather be manic than depressive. How do you bring someone to the surface that is trapped 500 feet below and covered with cement and pipes, metals. I want to come up. I don't know how
Medications has helped me a lot. I do not enjoy taking pills, yet I feel more calm and in control with them. I am on a different cocktail of meds now than when I was first diagnosised. I wish people would give me a break and see if not as I was but how I am now.
Having bi-polar has wrecked my career (I lost jobs I was gossiped about),
my marriage (my husband left me and is scared of me, calls me violent, kept my child from me), my social life (I do not feel I have many friends. The friends I have maintained are 20 yr old friendships. I am scared of new friends seeing a bad side of me). I HATE boardline/bi-polar disorders. I really wish it was easy to face.
I feel it really sux. Mainly cuz there is no real medical diagnositic test for it, so some ppl will not believe the symptoms or actions are due to your brain chemicals being off kilter. I have had ppl tell me I was making excuses for acting that way. that hurts, I don't want to feel this shitty.
TLA- I can say that we are about the same. I was not diagnosed with BP at a clinic because I know the majority of the symptoms and was scared of being hospotilized, being placed on meds, or fearing that it'd be anotehr straw on the camels back for my parents.
Many nights I'll lay awake in my bed, even tho I was tired a few minutes ago. As such the other things you have described.
I thank, both of you, for replying. Even tho it's three months later
Many nights I'll lay awake in my bed, even tho I was tired a few minutes ago. As such the other things you have described.
I thank, both of you, for replying. Even tho it's three months later
I am Manic D too. Difficult to deal with but over time I have developed mechanisms of self control to keep down the pedals of singuarly inappropriate laughter and set rigid limits on my irribility. I avoid situations that might otherwise trip or jangle my hypersnesitive wiring and I learned to pretend I was paying attention or following a logical point when my mind was off chasing rabbits in a 1,000 different directions! My thoughts are so fast sometimes that I cant remember the beginning of a sentence halfway through!
I'm also Bi Polar but I'm also OCD and have social anxiety. I find when I deal with my anxiety, my ups and downs are a little more reasonable. Like all of you know it's still miserable and frustrating to be down. No one really understands what it's like to struggle in this way unless they also have this. No one seems to take it seriously and you feel so much more alone.
J.
J.
B
I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, as well as Mood Disorder, Depression, Anxiety. I never noticed until recently, I have had periods of feeling "Energized...a great sex drive.....laughing/joking a lot......like nothing in this world botherd me", then 90% of the time I feel "Depressed, not loved, people hateing me, racing thoughts, no appetite, feeling so alone".
I was placed on Depakote and an anti-depressant, however, I've been off my meds for over 4-weeks now and the depression has set in twice as bad than before
I was placed on Depakote and an anti-depressant, however, I've been off my meds for over 4-weeks now and the depression has set in twice as bad than before
Mine sucks. I embarrass myself when I'm up, so I don't enjoy being up. Well, at the time its enjoyable, but then I have to live with the regret later.
Its very peculiar being up, because I don't realize anything is wrong until I look back on it. I can snap on people for no reason. Like suddenly something meaningless will just make me yell at people...and I'm not really a very angry person, I don't think. Luckily this only lasts for a few moments, although I'm not lucid enough to understand why I shouldn't be that mad until I look back on it.
I smile too much when I'm up, and I hate that because I don't like my smile. Sometimes I start laughing at nothing, and actually something seems so funny at the time that I figure other people will be laughing too. But they aren't, and I'll just get weird looks. :dry:
I start pacing, thinking I have to be doing something....but I'll have nothing to do because I'm socially anxious so I don't have plans very often. I nearly got in my car and just started driving, not exactly sure where I was going to go.
My thoughts start getting disordered. I'm not sure exactly what happens, because its hard to remember what's going on at the time, due to my brain not working right. But I'll start derailing and talking about something related, but irrelevant. I repeat things unnecessarily too.
Sometimes, when people are trying to talk about things in their lives that are serious or even distressing, I'll have to literally force myself (with all my will) not to smile. Which is really really annoying. Its not like I enjoy hearing about bad stuff, but I can't help but feel inappropriately good at the time.
When I'm down I still have energy, so I get so irritated I start to throw things around. I have to restrain myself from breaking stuff, and at the same time I can be on the verge of tears.
Its a blast. :rolleyes:
Its very peculiar being up, because I don't realize anything is wrong until I look back on it. I can snap on people for no reason. Like suddenly something meaningless will just make me yell at people...and I'm not really a very angry person, I don't think. Luckily this only lasts for a few moments, although I'm not lucid enough to understand why I shouldn't be that mad until I look back on it.
I smile too much when I'm up, and I hate that because I don't like my smile. Sometimes I start laughing at nothing, and actually something seems so funny at the time that I figure other people will be laughing too. But they aren't, and I'll just get weird looks. :dry:
I start pacing, thinking I have to be doing something....but I'll have nothing to do because I'm socially anxious so I don't have plans very often. I nearly got in my car and just started driving, not exactly sure where I was going to go.
My thoughts start getting disordered. I'm not sure exactly what happens, because its hard to remember what's going on at the time, due to my brain not working right. But I'll start derailing and talking about something related, but irrelevant. I repeat things unnecessarily too.
Sometimes, when people are trying to talk about things in their lives that are serious or even distressing, I'll have to literally force myself (with all my will) not to smile. Which is really really annoying. Its not like I enjoy hearing about bad stuff, but I can't help but feel inappropriately good at the time.
When I'm down I still have energy, so I get so irritated I start to throw things around. I have to restrain myself from breaking stuff, and at the same time I can be on the verge of tears.
Its a blast. :rolleyes:
To sum it up in a couple of words, I experience:
Extreme Highs & Extreme Lows; Rarely ever In Between.
Suicidal Thoughts - pretty much all the time.
Anxiety; Esp. Social-Anxiety.
Feelings Of Being Different. [Example: Even when I am w/ my friends, doing the group-thing or one-on-one dates, I feel overwhelmed. I don't feel like I belong. I don't feel as if I fit in, when it appears that I do. I feel really out-of-place & most of the time, I get uncomfortable].
Mood Swings - most of the time, very severe.
Extreme Frustration!
[This is a huge part of what I experience when I am in a Low. I get so overly-frustrated w/ not knowing how to feel & not understanding my thoughts & emotions or how to stop feeling the way that I do. I can't sit still & I have hysterical fits of crying. I am mean, heartless, & say a great deal of hurtful words out of spite. I say I do it to bring people "down to my level," but to be honest: I had no idea why I become such a Bitch].
Lack Of Pleasure & Motivation - in everything; Basically, if I am not at work, I'm in bed.
I do not see a therapist. And, I am not on any med's. I was on Lexapro for awhile. I was prescribed it after my failed suicide attempt. I took myself off it b/c my father is a drug-addict, often abusing depression med's. When I take them, I feel as worthless as he is. [I love my father, but I fear being anything like him]. I write when I feel overwhelmed, but usually writing doesn't do anything for me. I try to deal w/ my depression on my own. I'm not my best doctor, however, & when I do fall into a Low, I turn towards my friends [esp. my boyfriend] to "save" me. They're at a loss.
I joined this site. :smile: And, it helps a little. It's very reassuring to know that I am not alone. Thank you everyone.
<3 Amber
Extreme Highs & Extreme Lows; Rarely ever In Between.
Suicidal Thoughts - pretty much all the time.
Anxiety; Esp. Social-Anxiety.
Feelings Of Being Different. [Example: Even when I am w/ my friends, doing the group-thing or one-on-one dates, I feel overwhelmed. I don't feel like I belong. I don't feel as if I fit in, when it appears that I do. I feel really out-of-place & most of the time, I get uncomfortable].
Mood Swings - most of the time, very severe.
Extreme Frustration!
[This is a huge part of what I experience when I am in a Low. I get so overly-frustrated w/ not knowing how to feel & not understanding my thoughts & emotions or how to stop feeling the way that I do. I can't sit still & I have hysterical fits of crying. I am mean, heartless, & say a great deal of hurtful words out of spite. I say I do it to bring people "down to my level," but to be honest: I had no idea why I become such a Bitch].Lack Of Pleasure & Motivation - in everything; Basically, if I am not at work, I'm in bed.
I do not see a therapist. And, I am not on any med's. I was on Lexapro for awhile. I was prescribed it after my failed suicide attempt. I took myself off it b/c my father is a drug-addict, often abusing depression med's. When I take them, I feel as worthless as he is. [I love my father, but I fear being anything like him]. I write when I feel overwhelmed, but usually writing doesn't do anything for me. I try to deal w/ my depression on my own. I'm not my best doctor, however, & when I do fall into a Low, I turn towards my friends [esp. my boyfriend] to "save" me. They're at a loss.
I joined this site. :smile: And, it helps a little. It's very reassuring to know that I am not alone. Thank you everyone.
<3 Amber
T
hmm whee to start
Ok majority of the time I am depressed about everything. I've got a really active mind so I seem to analyze (and over-analyze too) things in my life. And the conclusion always is...WHY AM I HERE??
As a result I find myself surfing the net, listening to music, attempting to do uni work but failing terribly. I just think, they say everyone has a skill in life...whats mine?? being a screw-up?? why am I here?? I don't contribute anything to this world.
Things I think I'm good at; like song writing, story writing, dj-ing...I really suck at, and its just delusions of grandeur I swear.
The highs are few, normally when Im in the company of my close friends. They bring out the best in me really, the fake friends I have at uni just fucking depress me because they just don't get and are the FAKEST people I've met. I'm not being arrogant or anything, because thats just not me at all, but I've been told i've got a really good personality, I'm funny and kind...but they just see the happy me...they don't see the pain behind it.
What else, low motivation to do anything, thoughts of this world without me, paranoia about my friends nt caring abut me, n ust fk'ed up thoughts I can't stop.
Crazy mood swings, 1 minute I'll be jumping around making fun of my sis, next minute I'll be sitting there vibing to Notorious B.I.G's "Suicdal Thoughts" or 1 of the Linkin Park albums, and just thinking how alone I am.
I lost my gf because I was so fucking needy and high maintenance and she couldnt measure up to me pathetic level of support I needed, and I still feel like shit for dumping her because she really did love me I thnk.
Sex-drive is another issue, sometimes I'm a bit...over-active, ths is normally a distraction from the depression for me. But when depressed can be really low too.
I don't know who I am...am I the happy guy with loads of mates, or am Ithe lonely, useless guy with no REAL friends, just acquaintances.
Then there's driving, my whole family is like mechanics and into cars, and Im not really, I've failed my driving test a few times (3/4?), now I'm too scared to even take lessons and stuff anymore because I don't want to fail again, its so embarassing for me and my dad. But my cousins always asking about it, even my Gran before she passed away(RIP),nd all my friends are passing now...I feel left behind and a loser but my insecurities man I can't do anything about it.
Amber people like you are lucky ou have a bf or friends that TRY to help, and you have that support. I have none except this forum, and 1friend who tries but she just DOESN'T understand. I told her I think I am bi-polar, she jst thought I was being a drama queen and dismissed it.
I can't tell my lads because...this is just too weird for them to deal with, I know it, not even worth discussing.
PressedIn I also have big trouble with decision making, I think Ive ruined my life doing a rubbish degree when I should have stuck with English or Media, or even moved into Music.
I hate myself so much...when things go wrong it just adds to it. Im short, fat, with glasses, and shy too, why the FUCK am I here?? Why does nobody love me? Why do I give everything to people and they don't give the same back?
this is too long, no1 is gonna read it, im glad i said it though, I'm glad I have this forum.
Ok majority of the time I am depressed about everything. I've got a really active mind so I seem to analyze (and over-analyze too) things in my life. And the conclusion always is...WHY AM I HERE??
As a result I find myself surfing the net, listening to music, attempting to do uni work but failing terribly. I just think, they say everyone has a skill in life...whats mine?? being a screw-up?? why am I here?? I don't contribute anything to this world.
Things I think I'm good at; like song writing, story writing, dj-ing...I really suck at, and its just delusions of grandeur I swear.
The highs are few, normally when Im in the company of my close friends. They bring out the best in me really, the fake friends I have at uni just fucking depress me because they just don't get and are the FAKEST people I've met. I'm not being arrogant or anything, because thats just not me at all, but I've been told i've got a really good personality, I'm funny and kind...but they just see the happy me...they don't see the pain behind it.
What else, low motivation to do anything, thoughts of this world without me, paranoia about my friends nt caring abut me, n ust fk'ed up thoughts I can't stop.
Crazy mood swings, 1 minute I'll be jumping around making fun of my sis, next minute I'll be sitting there vibing to Notorious B.I.G's "Suicdal Thoughts" or 1 of the Linkin Park albums, and just thinking how alone I am.
I lost my gf because I was so fucking needy and high maintenance and she couldnt measure up to me pathetic level of support I needed, and I still feel like shit for dumping her because she really did love me I thnk.
Sex-drive is another issue, sometimes I'm a bit...over-active, ths is normally a distraction from the depression for me. But when depressed can be really low too.
I don't know who I am...am I the happy guy with loads of mates, or am Ithe lonely, useless guy with no REAL friends, just acquaintances.
Then there's driving, my whole family is like mechanics and into cars, and Im not really, I've failed my driving test a few times (3/4?), now I'm too scared to even take lessons and stuff anymore because I don't want to fail again, its so embarassing for me and my dad. But my cousins always asking about it, even my Gran before she passed away(RIP),nd all my friends are passing now...I feel left behind and a loser but my insecurities man I can't do anything about it.
Amber people like you are lucky ou have a bf or friends that TRY to help, and you have that support. I have none except this forum, and 1friend who tries but she just DOESN'T understand. I told her I think I am bi-polar, she jst thought I was being a drama queen and dismissed it.
I can't tell my lads because...this is just too weird for them to deal with, I know it, not even worth discussing.
PressedIn I also have big trouble with decision making, I think Ive ruined my life doing a rubbish degree when I should have stuck with English or Media, or even moved into Music.
I hate myself so much...when things go wrong it just adds to it. Im short, fat, with glasses, and shy too, why the FUCK am I here?? Why does nobody love me? Why do I give everything to people and they don't give the same back?
this is too long, no1 is gonna read it, im glad i said it though, I'm glad I have this forum.
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