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Your Own Disaster

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Oh my.

Just Oh My.

Everything seems to be spiraling out of control in the past, what? few days?

I've been having crying spells like crazy, and am crying now. When I'm in the car, I just stare out of the window, trying to swallow the stinging feeling of holding back a gallon of tears. It doesn't feel nice to smile. It doesn't feel right. It feels fake.

There's a fair, and I had to be in the parade (because I cheerlead.) and had to work a shift.

I was working a station, and the girl next to me had her friends..saying hi and stuff, chatting on and off as she worked.

Where were my friends? I mean, people I knew said hi and chatted for a couple minutes. But where were people that were my friends, MY friends.

They seemed to disappear. As I realized this, the crowd at the good sized fair seemed to grow, and my mouth went dry and my palms were sweaty. I wanted out. I wanted to hide in my room, and cry. I had this rush to just get out of there. I felt worse than the feeling of wanting to die.

I felt like I was dead.

Another thing is seeming to bother me. I have this guy friend, and we used to be neighhood buddies. (You know, as you grow up.) And recently got connected again. And, I consider him my closest friend. I went over to his hosue one day, (because, this one guy was pursueing me, and honestly, I was freaked out by his aggressiveness.) and soon, it turned into something more. I was sitting next to him, and next thin I knew his hands were sliding down my chest. It wasn't aggressive, almost timid. My heart stopped, and I told him that I wasn't too expiranced. But once I turned my head, he caught my lips and took my breath away. Soon, my shirt was up..and his hands dwelling somewhere it shouldn't.

Well, soon we realized that I had to be home, for his parents would be home as well. And we quickly got up and I left.

I haven't talked to him for about two days, made an attempt, but, he's either busy at work..or something else. I hope he's not mad.

For some reason, I would just die if he was.

That, (before the parade) seemed to trigger me into deep thinking. I thouht about it all the time, not in the sense of wanting more. In the sense of..why?

Then everything seemed to bother me. Then it just spiraled down yesterday and today. I don't have an energy, and I really don't want to face this school year alone. But, there's nobody that would with me.

Sometimes I just feel content with looking out the windows but I seem to cry. My mother showed deep concern, but I didn't want to make her worry, since she was already deeply worried and it was simply,

'I don't..I just don't want to go to the fair today, okay? I just don't feel like it..'

Is this life worth living alone? Is this life worth living dealing with this pain and dark cloud that seems to hang over my head everyday?

Is it worth wearing myself out with all of this crying and thinking.

I want to live. I do want to live! I'm alive, but I'm not living! Cutting myself, and attempting suicide and surviving makes me feel like I'm living. Just for that moment, I was living this life. Then it just seems to fade and everything goes numb and I just want to keel over and cry. But, I want to go out and socialize, but noone will accept me into their tight knit cliques, and I lost mine. I love to go out and laugh. But why am I not allowed too? Why do I feel to restricted and anti-social at the same time. What's wrong with me?

Everyone loves the rain and rainy days and storms.

I don't. Why would you?

They make me feel more depressed and off-beat than what I'm usually am.

I don't know, sometimes I just want to leave this behind. My life, everything, my identity.

I don't know what it would be that I expect to find.

But I wish someone would just come with me.
I think I know how you feel :(
I'm sorry, I don't have any blindingly brilliant advice to give you that will make it all better :( All I can really say is...it gets better. It must get better, because this can't be all there is to life, you know?
And there will be friends who will be there, maybe not the friends you have now, but friends. You will meet people - maybe in a club, or through work, or whatever - but you will make friends, people you can socialise with, and who will be there through the rainy days - which really, not everyone likes. I hate them too.
I guess you just have to try to get through the tears as best as you can, and keep thinking of the days when you won't be crying any more.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Take care,

thanks for the reply :]

i used to think of the days of where i wouldn't be crying anymore..

but i can't. it's like something has ahold of my mind, and i can't break free. i must fake it well, but..the happy just isn't there anymore.

yeah, rainy days. im glad someone else sees my point of view on them haha.

and thank you, lauren. :]


aww..i feel that way alot too..especially since my girlfriend is so far away..i just find myself staring out the car window just wondering about everything..im here for you hun
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