All of you people, how do you do it? How do most of you manage to get up and go to work, and mostly survive the workplace? It has become too much to handle for me. Oh, it's not because I can't do it, I can do my job fine without thinking twice...hell is other people, hell is having to deal with colleagues. Some of you may be "luckier" than I am, and were given the gift to pretend. I'm sure some of you can act cheerful, and fool everybody. For me this has never been possible. Very quickly, I withdraw, and just like I was an outcast back in kindergarten, here I am again, the same child in adult clothing. Same shit, different decade. It doesn't take more than a week for my colleagues to realize I'm a weirdo, and act accordingly. It has come to the unbearable point. Besides the hello-goodbye paradigm, I can't blend in, take part in conversations. Even that HG paradigm has gotten hard to maintain. When it's time to go, I wait for the best moment - when a couple of my colleagues are talking, when the most intimidating ones are out of the room, etc. I realize it's pathetic, but this is my life. I guess it wouldn't be so hard in a large multinational company with hundreds of people. I'm not looking for ways to blend in, or to make an outgoing jock king out of a 30-something loner. I want to find the strength not to care inside, to find some kind of safe space within. It seems there's nothing to hold on to when your very self image is in ruins. It's getting harder and harder to feel so raw all the time. I've gotten to the point where I want to just resign and hide for the rest of my life, until I find the courage to end it all - jump over the wire and into the darkness. So basically this was just a rant to tell you all that I know how hard it is to function. I know the energy and courage it takes to do it, and I'm quite admirative that most of you can do it. It's no small feat. For me it's gotten to the point where I can't do it anymore, and I was wondering how you manage to keep going into the lion's den day after day.