being a depressed,angry,empty,lost,confussed,insecure teenager in todays wonderful fucked up society sucks penis. i keep trying to think back and remeber when i was happy. it was when i was little. like really little. around 3 or 4. my mom and dad werent popping pills. my sister was someone i looked up too. we ate dinner at the table. we did family things. i acctualy thought i was pretty. i remember when i was in 4th grade, my mom, my brother, and i were going to pick up my dad at a rehab center and we were standing outside of the place and i said "mom will i be happy when im older?" she said "i hope so" i never thought i would be like this. 6th grade was the first time i cut myself. i would have periods where i would cut myself, not do it for months, and then start back up again. i did it a lot in 7th grade and for about a month or 2 in the begining of 8th. around march of last year i started binging and purging and i lost weight from it. that went on until summer when the weight lost stopped. i got pissed because i couldnt "have my cake and eat it too" anymore. now i`m in 9th grade. things have just been spiraling down. my legs are a fucking joke. my stomach looks like it`s straight out of a horror movie. now i cant stop cutting. i try and try and try but i cant. things at home couldnt be worse. i`ve lost all my friends. i dont have anyone to talk to anymore. i dont even fucking know. i`m writing this so i wont cut but its REALLY REALLY REALLY NOT helping the urges. i`ve been thinking a lot about the future latley. the way i see it is, i have 3 options: finish school, get married, kids, divorce, living on pay check to pay check, kids growing up, i get old, they throw me in a nursing home and i die. option 2: live fast die young, plain and simple. bury myself in drugs and booze until it eventualy kills me which is prettty much a fucked up option considering the shit ive seen drugs do to people but i dont know whats wrong with my head right now so? anyways, option 3: figure out what the fucks wrong with me so i can change it and enjoy life instead of wasting it. dont think option 3`s gonna work out too well though. oh fuck it. me and my razor have a date in the bathroom. sorry for wasting your time<3.