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You're not alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rtrt46546565, Jul 22, 2013.

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  1. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    I don't know why I'm posting here. I mean, I'm sure there are some really nice, helpful people here - but what does that matter, realistically? Am I going to turn into a different person or something from being here? No. probably not. I guess I just wanna rant for a minute...

    I suffer from depression and anxiety(and probably a bunch more mental disorders). And when I say "suffer", I mean it. It almost feels like real pain. In fact, it is real pain. My heart races so much that my chest actually hurts. I rack my brain so much on how messed up I am that I get daily headaches. I don't know how I'm still alive. I think about suicide at least 20 times a day. I guess that whole instinctive human survival thing is true. I have no friends. I have no life. I have no contact with anyone other than my mom(yeah, I still live at home). I'm nothing. Nobody. I've sat inside my house for the last 3+ years by myself...literally. I don't even go to the doctors or dentist anymore. I'm the very definition of "alone". It's to the point where sometimes I have conversations with myself. Yeah, I should probably be in a mental institution.

    I'm not socially normal. Sometimes I walk outside at night(you know, because I'm too much of a weirdo to walk in the daytime where I know I'll see lots of people), and I see people talking to each other and I think to myself "How do they do that? How do they act so normal and laugh with each other like that? Why can't I be like that?" Whenever I come in contact with someone, I have to turn into the fake me - that's when I fake smile and pretend I'm normal and say "hey" or whatever. I feel like I can never be myself. I wish I could walk up to someone and just say "Hey, I'm weird. I'm not normal. I like to sit and get drunk, drown my sorrows and be away from everything. Wanna be friends?"

    I often wonder what will become of me when my mom dies. I can't work. I can't be normal. I can't function properly. What will I do, become a bum? Finally get the guts to kill myself? I wonder...

    Anyway... to all those who come across this: I just want you to know...you're not alone. If you think you're doing bad, if you think you're depressed, if you think you feel terrible....please know, there are others who feel just like you, or worse. I'm one of those people. I can't even put it into text how awful I feel.

    I don't know how long I'll continue to log on this site, but if anyone out there needs someone to talk to, you can PM me. Hell, I could use some communication myself.

    That's all. Thanks for reading.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I used to go out at night or cross to the other side of the street when people were coming...I felt I as just to damaged to be seen...I also had a pretend personality that I used during the day, the woman who was OK, but had nothing of substance to say because this fraud did not have a life...most of the time I do not feel this say any more...please talk to people who have had similar experiences...there are many of us here...and know, you are not alone here...welcome again
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I too do not go out much. Although I can do it under certain circumsatnces. And I too find it easier sometimes to go out of my door at night. Although I feel less safe at night.

    The good thing about coming here is that you can be here and not hide. Day night afternoon. You can be here and not be seen. You can be heard and not be seen. Its safe to be here. So I hope you will keep posting.
  4. KenaliModisa

    KenaliModisa New Member

    It is real pain. Normal pain is the brain's reaction to physical activity happening to the body. Psychic pain is what happens when the same brain systems get triggered without the need for bodily input.
  5. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    I always cross the street when I see someone coming, too.. It's like an instinct or something. Yeah, I have to pretend my personality all the time. I fake being happy and normal but in reality, I feel like I'm just a weirdo. I too feel like I lead a "fake" life. My real life consists of sitting inside of the house doing nothing all day because I'm not normal, but I try to pretend like I have a life to other people. I am trying to talk to others like me for the fist time. Anyone is welcome to PM me or reply to this thread. :)
  6. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, the internet feels relaxing to someone like me. I can post here and not feel weird about it. I will keep posting as long as I see fit. Hopefully someone get something out of my messages other than just a freak posting.
  7. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hello and welcome to SF!

    i do hope you get something out of this experience- we'll help you in any way we can

  8. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    Yup. You seem pretty smart. I can't explain why I feel real pain like I do, but I do. People may not realize that people with these problems feel real pain, but they do.
  9. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    Hey, emily,

    I hope so, too. Altough, to be completely honest, I posted here out of complete drunkeness and depression, but I would be very greatly if becoming apart of this site benifited me somehow...and I thank anyone who takes the time to bother with me in any way. Thank you. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to. You're not lone to anyone out there.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Well you can see you are NOT weird you have an illness like so many of us do hun

    I hope you can reach out in real life to get the support and help that is there to get you out a bit more so you are not so lonely

    Meanwhile chat here post on forums it is easier really then talking to someone face to face
  11. ananthapriya

    ananthapriya New Member

    yeah now i felt im in alone..any one take care about my self? i like to live . but now i ma feel like lonely .. no one near with me.someday i cried no one near with. i like to love people but no one like to me.i hate my life.i need a good friend here any one is present. please come and wipe my eyes.
  12. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    Reaching out in real life is impossible for me. I can't handle talking in person. Plus, I've been to many therapists, before my anxiety got too bad, and I've come to the conclusion that it's all nonsense. They just don't get it.
  13. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing this with us, I feel the way you do a lot of times. It sounds to me like you may have social anxiety.
  14. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    Yup. I do.
  15. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    I do too, but overcame most of it, still, my severe low self esteem and depression keeps me from socializing or having any social life whatsoever; I just sit here in front of my computer day in and day out.
  16. Amthorn

    Amthorn Member

    I know how it feels. I go out because I force myself to, but seeing other people enjoying life and each other brings me down so much. I wish I had a life but I don't even know how anymore.
  17. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    I hear you. Along with the SA, I, too, have depression and low self-esteem. Awful combination.

    And I sit on the computer all day, too.

    I can only manage to force myself out late at night when no one's around. That's when I like to walk around.

    Yup. I can't stand to see others being happy. That sounds mean, but it's true.
  18. insiiideouuut

    insiiideouuut Well-Known Member

    Same. Seeing others being happy and having fun just makes me bitter and angry. I actually feel jealous of people who are able to experience genuine joy, cuz I don't remember what it even feels like.
  19. insiiideouuut

    insiiideouuut Well-Known Member

    Btw, I just read your first post and you sound a lot like me. I haven't had any friends for a long, long time and don't have a job either. I know I should be working and in college or something, but I just feel like my mind and body won't let me. I am suicidal every day too -_-
  20. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    You're not alone, Charlotte.

    I think a thread like this one is really important because it reminds/reassures us that we might not be quite as isolated as we think. At least we can know there are others sharing the exact same nightmare.

    A little hope, maybe?
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