I don't know why I'm posting here. I mean, I'm sure there are some really nice, helpful people here - but what does that matter, realistically? Am I going to turn into a different person or something from being here? No. probably not. I guess I just wanna rant for a minute... I suffer from depression and anxiety(and probably a bunch more mental disorders). And when I say "suffer", I mean it. It almost feels like real pain. In fact, it is real pain. My heart races so much that my chest actually hurts. I rack my brain so much on how messed up I am that I get daily headaches. I don't know how I'm still alive. I think about suicide at least 20 times a day. I guess that whole instinctive human survival thing is true. I have no friends. I have no life. I have no contact with anyone other than my mom(yeah, I still live at home). I'm nothing. Nobody. I've sat inside my house for the last 3+ years by myself...literally. I don't even go to the doctors or dentist anymore. I'm the very definition of "alone". It's to the point where sometimes I have conversations with myself. Yeah, I should probably be in a mental institution. I'm not socially normal. Sometimes I walk outside at night(you know, because I'm too much of a weirdo to walk in the daytime where I know I'll see lots of people), and I see people talking to each other and I think to myself "How do they do that? How do they act so normal and laugh with each other like that? Why can't I be like that?" Whenever I come in contact with someone, I have to turn into the fake me - that's when I fake smile and pretend I'm normal and say "hey" or whatever. I feel like I can never be myself. I wish I could walk up to someone and just say "Hey, I'm weird. I'm not normal. I like to sit and get drunk, drown my sorrows and be away from everything. Wanna be friends?" I often wonder what will become of me when my mom dies. I can't work. I can't be normal. I can't function properly. What will I do, become a bum? Finally get the guts to kill myself? I wonder... Anyway... to all those who come across this: I just want you to know...you're not alone. If you think you're doing bad, if you think you're depressed, if you think you feel terrible....please know, there are others who feel just like you, or worse. I'm one of those people. I can't even put it into text how awful I feel. I don't know how long I'll continue to log on this site, but if anyone out there needs someone to talk to, you can PM me. Hell, I could use some communication myself. That's all. Thanks for reading.