Yours and others' expectations of you

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bart, Nov 19, 2014.

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  1. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    A few weeks ago a 'tragedy' befell me, and whilst at first I was more angry than sad or depressed, I found over the ensuing weeks that the tragedy was not going to be easy to sort out. It's a short step (in a pessimist's mind) from there to total hopelessness. Or at least it has been for me. As I contemplate my situation and all it entails, I feel that I might as well just give up.

    My wife thinks I'm (just) depressed and does not actually know how badly I actually feel despite her being fully aware of the surrounding factors. She sometimes says to me that she and the children love me etc etc. I do not doubt this, and whilst I understand that 'surely this is enough for you' to be happy, I easily turn that around to be 'Yes, but you'll all be happier without me around'. This (were I to voice it) would lead to a ping pong argument of discussing ones reasons for being.

    I know what my responsibilities are towards my family and I owe my children a father. But is it that I have to live in such pain, continually questioning why I should exist and weighing up the pros and cons of not being around for my family?.

    Note - in the above, most of it hangs around 'my family'. There is little reason for me to feel worthy of myself. Which raises the questions 'Do I feel useless and not needed whereas my family feel that I am useful and needed.'? Am I to deny my own wishes to satisfy the wishes of others? When does a lack of 'self' become so miniscule that one is not able to value the 'self' anymore? Is it 99% existing for others and 1% for one's self?

    Me not sure and feel confused and worthless/hopeless.
  2. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Dear Bart, I'm sorry to hear a 'tragedy' has befallen you. Maybe you could give us some more information about what has happened so that we can help you? For your post it sounds as if it is not a regular tragedy, but something different or special happened.

    Personnally, I've been through an incredible dark night, it was a period of pure terror and loss and all hope gone, after some kind of 'accident' (at least, that's what I call it), and even for an ultrastrong optimist it was impossible not to completely loose hope and give up to end the suffering that I was going through. However, I did not give up entirely, desperately searching for meaning and purpose in all this darkness, and eventually I found, more than I could hope for. This has taken me to a point where I could accept the unacceptable, live a lifetime of suffering (I was 26 at the time, now 27), but not in vain. Now I'm here to help others. And I can say, I've been heavily affected by my going through my valley of shadow and death, but I want to be someone who has faced the unfaceable against all odds. To me, that is what's live is about, standing strong, embracing whatever comes your way, dancing with the darkness, maybe feeling hopeless and defeated, but not so defeated that you couldn't take one more little step forward, and then another one, and another.

    I'm grateful to hear you talk about your family and that there is still responsibility and connectedness within you, that is such a gift within the darkness. Let the love survive. And of course, no one is ever better off without the other, that's is the most blindsighted argument I hear in suicide discussions. And if you continually question why you exist, than take some time off for yourself and look for an answer, a satisfying answer to that question, talk to wise people, go for a retreat, there are plenty of books written on this topic. Personally I believe that everyone of us has great value and purpose in every life, a purpose so great that it can help you carry any burden and suffering.
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