yup - its me - AGAIN

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Jul 21, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So I've been evaluating a lot recently and much more so in the last few hours.

    I've lost my soulmate. Gone. This one person who saved my life in more ways than one. Did I show them adequately what they meant to me? No, I think I failed in that.

    I have not one close friend irl and further no one who knows what is going on with me. There is no one.

    As a family, we are dispersed and not close.

    My career has faltered and I simply can't face it currently. It is not for me any longer, I cannot do what I once could.

    My body is hurting, silly complaints, but it still hurts.

    I am sad, very sad. I am faltering. I am overwhelmed. I am disposable.

    So, what is there really to prevent the negative thoughts? And what is there really to prevent negative actions? What is there for me? If I keep feeling this way, going around in circles, whats the point?

    It is clear I am inept at the whole friendship and relationship thing. Its not surprising with my history, but its sad when things keep happening that remind me of the type of person I am.

    Again, I repeat, disposable. What to do???????????????????????????????????????????????
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are hurting so much...you know your soulmate loved you dearly and that you were very good to her as well...in hindsight, we are rarely good enough...as far as your career, you have so many talents...true talents, which I have seen first hand and you are truly a good person (who does not feel that way right now) who offers me solutions to things I complain about (often times on the pity pot) without regard for its cost or the amount of energy you would have to use (I will always have a warm feeling knowing I can go to the beach again)...please text me when you are feeling like this...I know I am a sister in isolation, as well, as you compassionately remind me, but I do care and I always have energy for you
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you, Sadeyes.
  4. privatename

    privatename Well-Known Member

    I could have written the exact same post MoAnamCara. I just lost my guy. He flipped out on me out of the blue and that was that. It really was perplexing but I guess ultimately he wants me gone. I have no close family or friends I can talk to. No friends in real life that I've talked to or seen in recent years. Yesterday was my birthday. My mother was the only one who did anything about it. Though I had to buy my own cake. I haven't celebrated a birthday, xmas, etc with any friends in over a decade. Career wise I'm stuck and very poor. Anyhow my point is I can relate to how you might be feeling. Everyday I think about what to do, and the solution isn't good.

    So many of us here seem to be in similar positions. I hope things turn around for you.
  5. Yati

    Yati Well-Known Member

    I know it may not be much, but all I can say is don't give up. I'm not good with people either, I can literally say I only really have one friend. I don't know about your history, but I know I've felt the same place alone and useless. The thing that I know helps me when I'm feeling like this is to think about the things I can do, think about what you are good at and write them down. Look at them closely because these are the things you can offer the world. And when it comes to friendship remember quantity over quality, the only to find news is to try, and only way to become better is try.
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you so much private & yati.

    Its one of those milestone birthdays soon and I suppose I thought I'd be in a different place at this time in my life. It feels like im starting over, again. Honestly, I'm not sure I have it in me to figure things out again and move on. Its a little funny/odd because I'm in I'm a business that is very social. Lots of contacts, but is difficult for me to open up fully to others, nevermind trust them. Its self preservation in a way, but sometimes I'll try and let people in. Its unfortunate that I inevitably get hurt. So, it must be me and my expectations or whatever.

    This has been another icky night. Im tired of them. :(

    Thanks again :grouphug:
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :console: :arms:
  8. triedtoomanytimes

    triedtoomanytimes Well-Known Member

    Anam Cara, soul friend, title of a poem, a book. Your name intrigued me for a long while, I knew I had seen it before, then I recalled the narrowboat Anam Cara which I have seen a fair few times on my wonderings along the canals. A beautiful green , gold and cream colour.
    Soul mate....what does that mean? perhaps I have some idea of what you mean when you talk of your difficulties with friendships and relationships, this universe is infinite (to us, seemingly), the soul lives within the universe, if you are similar to me, you haven't really lost your friends, they are still there, just in a place that stops you seeing them, perhaps for your own well being?, for now.
    Write anytime.

    best wishes


  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks TTMT -

    Yes, the soul lives on - I do believe that. Its just out of our physical reach unfortunately.

    Take care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 22, 2012
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Somewhere inside of us as well as in that other plane, they live on. Your soulmate is still with you, just not in the way you're used to and not in the way you want right now. :hug: I wish it were easier.
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

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