Thanks for the replies. To make a long story short, I know what is available to me and what isn't. I realize the suggestions come from a place of true compassion, but suggestions make me really frustrated right now. Case in point: my social worker/ case manager told me I HAVE TO stay at the SPECIFIC shelter I am in for the housing department to get me into supportive housing. I truly am stuck. I know that I am stuck. So just being heard, matters the most to me. Thank you all, for that. Just know that, of course, I know myself and my situation much better than anyone else, and again- there are literally zero other alternatives to what I am doing for myself right this minute already.
I did send my therapist a really frustrated email tonight, because the shelter I am staying at (and again, the "housing department" says I HAVE TO STAY THERE FOR THEM TO HELP ME) has gotten really bad. In the specific "dorm" I stay in, everyone was talking about stealing bikes. It made me really upset. I don't do anything against the law, ever, and I get that people do what they can to survive but SORRY, WORLD- I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH CRIMINALS. Furthermore, one guy kept spraying cologne in the enclosed room, which is the exact kind my abusive ex used. So I started having bad flashbacks. The same guy also talked about losing his knife and how he was looking around for it. I can't keep sleeping night after night around people who would steal from me given half the chance. I also had to file a police report like a week ago after something bad happened to me there. And recently a woman offered me a cigarette, and when I declined, she tried to hit me with a broken broomstick. I looked up just in time!
Again, NOOOOO SUGGESTIONS PLEASE. I don't mean that to be rude at all. But please understand how horrid the shelter staff usually are, how the police are often no help, how my therapist always tells me how many clients she has and shows up way late to the only TWO times I get to see her a month... And yet I'm STUCK with her because if I change even the TINIEST thing on any official housing paperwork, like if I try to get a new case manager or if I leave the shelter for the street where it's literally safer (which, again, I was EXPRESSLY told was my only way to get the housing I want and need- staying in that horrid place) that could EASILY confuse some "government agency" idiot who has no idea what to do with any changes and therefore my file gets chucked. That actually happens to people, so it's not even just feeling like I'm walking on eggshells- I AM walking on eggshells.
As for the cancer, the type is basically unknown for sure, they just know whatever it is, it's rare (there's more to it then that but I don't feel like getting into it right now). There's also a chance of it coming back, which I'll know in another 2 1/2 months at the earliest.
I use a walker still. So I was literally targeted for being a slow-moving disabled women in front of the shelter ON THE WHEELCHAIR RAMP. What kind of person hurts women like that?! So that's why I filed the police report. Did it get me anywhere? No, of course not. And now whenever I need to use the ramp to get anywhere, I have shelter staff get all of the people always blocking the path, to move. So you can imagine what the a******s out front think of me NOW. It's like I'm an even bigger target. I call for taxis and Paratransit and they HATE coming into my horrible neighborhood. Whenever we hear gunshots we just count them, and estimate if and when the police sirens will be audible.
I went to an urgent care clinic for psychiatric help, the other night. They would have referred me for more treatment, "but there is only one female bed in the whole city". And it wasn't one with an elevator. So the walker limits me a lot in where I can go for help.
The urgent care clinic told me to come back November 1st. But right now I type this from a casual buddy's room around the corner from the shelter, with the full knowledge that being at the shelter one more night would be very damaging to me. I see my therapist tomorrow for the 2nd of our only 2 sessions a month (lucky me!) and I will make sure refers me to the crisis clinic again. If I have to keep going back there, fine. It's not MY fault that they just tell you "we have no treatment beds to refer you to" before they kick you out (you can only stay there for 24 hours max, and usually they only give you like 12 hours).
I'm really, really, really angry but I am CERTAIN it's fully understandable. I had really bad PTSD and other mental health issues way before the homelessness. And now I have cancer/ have to worry about cancer coming back, too. I don't personally know anyone who's dealing with more horrible circumstances than I am, frankly. Which makes things tough with friends, because they either disappear when they hear the word "cancer" or they insist you will be OK and they can't bear to listen to a word you say otherwise.
It's like, the biggest things I need right now I can't have!! SUPPORTIVE HOUSING. And someone to just LISTEN without thinking I want them to make it all better somehow.
Oh and my friend told me I lost a ton of weight. I don't care that much anymore. I saw some laboratory results lately and I've got some numbers that are in line with malnutrition. But, frankly, if getting food means locking up every single one of my belongings and going into the awful shelter cafeteria for horrid food that tastes like wet cardboard while they blast a very loud TV nonstop, well then I'll just stay on that damn cot and starve to death.
It would also be nice if the shelter would just go ahead and give me a second mat for my cot so my back and leg that got the surgery wouldn't hurt so much. But they make you get a doctor's note to ask for that tiny bit of humanity and kindness.
I ran out of medication with no way to go and get more too, by the way.
I'm in really, really bad shape. I hate my life. I really hate my life.
-CandleLight