Yup. What this one figured.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KathyLynnKilroy, Apr 15, 2007.

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  1. KathyLynnKilroy

    KathyLynnKilroy Active Member

    Give a nice outline of our problems, and it appears that they must be reason enough to suicide, after all. There is someone whining about not finding a date so they want to kill themselves.


    Like there are no bigger problems out there, you all jump on the band wagon and tell this person they have a lot of reasons to live.

    Oh, well. The message is pretty clear to us.

    The screen name, btw, is for two of us. This one is Lynn, and Kathy is this one's spouse.

    We should all help individuals. That is a given in our country. But it has been indicated that when you see more than one person having to deal with things, people's empathy declines.

    So a double suicide is obviously less of a tragedy than a single one.
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    We all have different problems. Please don't judge others no matter how big or small their issues seems.
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    What is going on in your lives to bring you to this state of mind. You are both important. Just because you both have issues does not mean they are not of equal importance. I don't feel any suicide is less of a trgedy than any other, whether single double or what have you. I guess I am not quite sure what you a looking for from us. Would you care to share more about your situation?

    What Blackness stated was so true. What you see as a trivial problem is not trivial to the person with that problem. It is not a competition between whose problems are the worst. It comes down to how the issue is handled. Some people are able to process things through more easily than others. What may traumatize me, may not traumatize you. We are all individuals of equal importance and should be treated as such. I am sorry if this sounds like a lecture, because that was not the intent of this post. I would like to know where you are coming from, so I can see if I have any thoughts that would be relative to your situation. Please stay safe, both of you. :hug:
  4. KathyLynnKilroy

    KathyLynnKilroy Active Member

    We already shared our situation. But this one, being a real goth girl, should have known what the lack of response would be. It's normal, after all, for goths to have such overwhelming problems that most people wonder how we made it as far as we have.

    Yeah, this one's been lonely, but loneliness alone is not enough to justify suicide. Loneliness can be tolerated. Take it from a goth girl. It really can be, because there are far worse things.

    Let's see what causes this one paralyzing fear, and see if this is even remotely traumatizing to any of you.

    1. The sight of a large crowd of people.
    2. The sight of a small group of people.
    3. The sight of individual people.
    4. Any time someone says "We have a problem."
    5. Any time someone says "You have to do more" or "Or you have to try harder."
    6. Any time anyone refuses to tell this one why they're doing, or not doing, something.
    7. The sight of a police car.
    8. Films that deal with certain topics.

    Now, who can this one trust? Well, let's start with who's inherently untrustworthy:

    1. Strangers.
    2. Coworkers.
    3. Service Staff.
    4. Supervisors - of any kind.
    5. Police officers.
    6. Bosses.
    7. Social workers.
    8. Psychologists.
    9. Psychiatrists.
    10. Lawyers.
    11. Judges.

    Who can be trusted? Close friends. And lo! Those are far and few between, and they have already done all they can to help us.

    What "traumatizes" this one is pretty much anything that causes a flashback. The flashbacks go back to previous events dating back to 1989, and nobody ever thought that maybe this one was traumatized.

    Well, this one takes that back.

    This one tried to discuss what happened and how it effected this one a number of times over the years, but it was only recently that it was accepted that this one was in fact traumatized by what happened in 1989. Prior to that, nobody would listen.

    A contributing factor to the trauma was systemic and sociological mistreatment. Basically, everyone felt it was okay to mistreat this one and then insisted they were not mistreating this one.

    There were many more events after 1989, each one taking it's tolls since this one has only recently been able to get any effective treatment. So now this one is a total wreck, and completely dependent, and this one's partner is not much better.

    We are indeed soul mates. She has all the strengths to temper this one's weaknesses, and this one has strengths to temper her weaknesses. However, due to the lives we've had up to this point, the overwhelming message has been clear: DO NOT FIGHT. EVER. FOR ANY THING. FOR ANY REASON.

    That lesson, by the way, even includes when we are being wronged.

    In late 1997, this one entered a relationship with an abusive woman. This one was wronged by her a lot, and when this one sought help from psychologists and the like, they all told this one this one was wrong for wanting to get help.

    Do not fight. Even when you're the victim.

    She finished hammering that lesson home in the most horrible way, and the repercussions of her abuse remain with us to this day.

    When things get complicated, everyone knows you have to fight. You have to stand up and say "You Are Wrong!" But the lives we've lived have shown that whenever you do so, you are exposing yourself, making yourself vulnerable to boatloads of trouble that you can never imagine. Problems even worse than the ones we're facing now ... and the ones we're facing now are adequate to make us suicidal.

    It should be clear by now that without trusting people, without the ability to stand up for ourselves in any way that would allow us to advance {we do not allow people to push us around ... you can always walk away, and we usually do}, we are unable to work. After all, you have to trust all the people you work with, and we're no longer capable of trusting people without a long "getting to know you process" where those people we know constantly prove their value to us, prove to us that we can trust them.

    For those special people who do, we try very hard to prove our value to them, to be special for them and give everything they give to us back to them.

    Anyway, to work, you must also stand up for yourself. But for us, our experiences with standing up for yourself in the workplace have resulted in everything from sudden loss of income {being fired} up the scale to having legal actions taken against us. For us, the lesson is very clear. NEVER STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

    We were getting disability, and they chose to do a recertification. They screwed up. Twice. We told them they did, but they didn't do anything. We never really fought it, because to do so would get you arrested. The SSA offices are federal property, after all.

    So even though we can not work, and we're too disabled to even fix the problems that they caused, we're no longer seen as legally disabled, and everyone else is telling us that our situation is a little funny.

    Well, when you're a goth girl, you get used to living in little funny situations.

    Turns out our landlord inherited the house from his mother, and he apparently never bothered to inform the city.

    Talk about throwing wrenches in the works!

    Arguing with the landlord is likely to cause us to be evicted. But then, so will non payment of rent.

    This one, thorughout the course of years, has been homeless several times. Easily, of the last ten years, this one's probably been homeless about five of them.

    During the homeless times, this one has been raped, attacked, threatened, and harassed. Mostly by other homeless people. Some times in shelters, some times not. The shelters, due to their oversite, are actually more dangerous than the streets {can't trust supervisors nor enforcement people, remember?} and the streets are not safe, either, not to mention downright uncomfortable.

    Also, we've spent the last year and a half building relationships and a life, both online and here, and, without the foundation of a home, all that is lost. Along with a lot of other things which will be lost ... again.

    It makes one wonder why in the world should we even bother trying.

    Neither Kathy nor this one wish to live through this again. Our society is not geared for people who can not stand up for themselves when they're being wronged, and we really don't have any advocacy nor any nearby friends who can help us out just now.

    Hey! Half the reason we're living where we are is because it's far away from all those people who love to beat up and arrest and murder people they don't like. Jeff Foxworthy wasn't kidding!

    So given our wide array of options, we have decided that we will try to fix it {without hope that it can be fixed in time}, all the while hopeing for a miracle {there is one thing submissives are good for, but how many people want a service slave anymore?}. If we can't get a great miracle, we'd settle for a smaller one so we could go out in style {if you're familiar with Dolcett, you'll understand how we mean}. Otherwise ... well ... this one knew some years ago how to properly end our lives, and we know a place.

    This one guesses, one of the reasons we are discussing this whole thing here is that we really don't want this. We were looking forward to moving to Michigan, to be with a farmer and to help her out, if she'd accept us. That would put Kathy closer to her teenage daughter, and it's a horse farm. Kathy loves horses.

    Life in Michigan would be harder for this one. In Florida, this one has fewer rights than a dog. In Michigan, they are even worse, so this one would have to put up with that. However ... in Michigan, this one should be able to avoid people most of the time.

    "For a little chance at heaven there is nothing I won't do."

    Kathy is this one's heaven, and if this one can make her happier, this one will be that much closer to heaven.

    On the other hand, if we can not work to make her happier, then we will both be utterly miserable, and this one, at least, would have horribly failed. And this one doesn't want either of us to have to worry about each others safety, when we'll eat, where we'll sleep, or even when and where we can go to the bathroom.
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