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So I went to see Dr. Choi. I had to take a blood test and the results are going to come out soon. If nothing is physically wrong with me then I'm going to have to see a pyschiatrist...and maybe take zoloft. I heard that zoloft sucks but my mom took it a while back so I'm going to take it too, maybe.

But I'm not suicidal anymore. Actually, I really do want to die. But I don't have the guts to do it myself, so I'm just going to live on with the hope that some criminal is going to do it for me. Speaking of which, there's been couple of helicopters flying around this area, meaning that some criminal might be on loose. Pretty pathetic, huh? What's the odds of a drive-by shooting? I make myself laugh.


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Zoloft didn't help me much, a little, but not much. I think meds like Zoloft depend a lot on the power of suggestion. If you believe they will work then they will, if you refuse to believe they will work, they won't. They aren't totally useless. I understand how they are supposed to work and they do do what they are supposed to do. I just think that power of suggestion can override any affects of the medication. So I guess I am telling to try to believe it will work.

As for you wanting to die, I believe that is false. I told myself I wanted to die for a long time. Now I realize that I don't really want to die. I have the means and motivation to kill myself, but yet I don’t do it because I in fact, don’t want to die. I just don't want to live. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. To be, or not to be? That is the question.

I think most people who don't want to live just assume that that must mean they want to die. Not necessarily so. You can both not want to live and not want to die at the same time. I suppose what I really want is to want to want to live…if that makes sense.


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Yea, it does. In some weird way...:mellow:

To be or not to be, huh. So how long does it take for people to completely make up their mind? I wish it was soon, because I don't like being in the indecisive middle. The problem with me is, I'm such a coward. I lack the guts, the driving impetus. But living is troublesome, and tiresome.

Cheers to the walking corpses who muse day in and day out on the meaning of existence.


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Sometimes I think it takes far more guts to live then to die. On the other hand I don't believe in hell as you do, so that will have no bearing on my final decision. I suppose if I believed in hell and believed that suicide was a sin punishable to eternal damnation, my outlook on whether or not life was in fact harder then death would be quite different.

I believe there is a god, not the Christian God, but some sort of entity that formed the universe. I do not however believe there is a heaven or hell, so I have no convictions of being punished by any god for killing myself. I have come to the decision that I am fully prepared to take my own life if that time comes, I just choose not too. I am holding out for a time when I see some reason for my existence or until I am tired of holding out and can't take life anymore.

I'm like you, I don't like being stuck in this middle. I can't wait untill I either decide to live or to die.


To me, personally, that's been the whole conundrum since I first encountered 'angst'/Depression (as well as "awareness") in my teens. Too scary to live, but too FINAL to die. I remember crying privately in my closet as I was trying to decide. For all of us, individually, its a helluva journey!

Lately, the last few years, I'm just too damned tired to argue, and damned for leaving it in Fate's hands, though I tried my best to survive. I never used to fear death. I just think, now, that it's a waste of a precious life to spend time waiting for answers that are not forthcoming, but... I can't help it...

...I'm tired.


Added note: I forgot the subject. I think antidepressants can indeed help - but overwhelming circumstances need to change, not just an intro to quick-fix meds. Mine own keep getting worse - no drug is gonna fix my life. Of course, when you're depressed, it's hard to have hope of change. I hope this does not discourage you - just make you more aware. Optimism (which drugs may help instigate), and positive proactive actions can be quite a cure in and of themselves. Let them work for you, I hope...
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