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Where to begin? I've been alone for quite awhile now. In high school I had a few friends but the last one I lost because of my manager at the time. The manager and my friend ended up making fun of me behind my back and that really hurt. I ended up quitting when one of the other employees came in and told me how they were acting behind my back. With all the insults to my face and behind my back I finally had enough. This started my three year or so descent into solitude.

I smoked quite a bit of weed. The effects it had on me were largely negative. A lot of the time I felt very anxious. My head didn't feel right and my body didn't feel right. Not to mention there were times when I felt like I was dieing. I'm well aware you can't die from weed but it sure as hell felt like it at times. The reason I kept doing it was because I felt like I understood people better. I felt more empathetic and life seemed more animated.

If it wasn't weed I was drinking a lot. I started drinking when I was about 13 and it didn't slow down, nor was it social drinking. A lot of times I'd hole up in my room or by the computer and become completely inebriated. A lot of it stemmed from simulating what I thought most normal teenagers would do. Have fun and drink. Maybe I was wrong.

I graduated from high school half a year late. I dropped out in grade 11 and missed about 3 months in any given school year in absences. I'd miss a class and get anxious about the material I missed and not go to the next one.

Once I graduated I drifted to and a from a few odd-jobs. I was pretty much by myself this entire time. Drinking by myself. I thought about going back to school and took a few summer courses to get what I missed in regular high school. I was still getting drunk and high regularly. Before and after classes. Working on assignments and studying.

I've cut out the drinking and smoking now. I'd like to go back and study in the fall but from my experience taking the continuing education it seems like I'm destined to always be alone. I really don't think I can live this way. It doesn't seem to matter where I go or who I talk to. No one wants me around. People are going about their university lives, some on track, some not. But for the most part they're enjoying life. Having fun. Meeting new people. Developing new interests, maturing.

I know in the fall things could be different. It doesn't feel like it's going to be that way though. I know the change has to come from within but I think there's something fundamentally flawed in my personality or character that prevents from that happening. I don't have the emotional capacity to make and maintain friendships. By that I mean being genuinely interested in what people have to say, and who they are.

My outlook on life is very bleak at the moment. It doesn't feel like I can react to events with much emotional response. Even right now, thinking of my own death seems like a foreign concept, as if it would not entirely be my own. Maybe I'm just 'special' if that's the case I might as well end it.

I needed to rant somewhere appropriate.

Sorry. :mellow:

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi you you are not alone now okay i am listening so are others. You did well to get off the drugs and alcohol and if you can try to get back into school
I know it can be frightening but you will meet up with new people give yourself that chance okay to find new friends. Education is the key to getting a new job a new start hugs to you
I think that maybe being depressed can get in the way of connecting with people.

so maybe you can work on treatment, getting therapy

I think that it seems like everyone else in the world is enjoying life and having fun, but it's not the case. there are lots of other people who are having a hard time. and lots of the people who are trying to create the impression that everything is going great for them are fakers. you wouldn't believe how many fakes there are out there. I think for a lot of people, seeming happy is just another way to compete

staying away from the drugs and alcohol can help


~*Mod Extraordinaire*~
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
Hello and welcome to SF, well done on giving up alcohol...its affects are negative and can make us feel terrible. Have you cut out the weed too? well done if you have :) If you haven't then try to cut back, I have a friend who has psychosis from smoking too much weed, trust me you don't want that. If studying is going to make you feel better, then go for it, you don't have anything to lose. :hug:
Thanks for the kind words. In situations where I've felt a little down before I was able to find some motivation to keep going. Whether it be the lyrics from a song, a character from a movie, or something equally inspiring.

Personally, I don't feel I'll ever be the same again. There's no vibrancy in life anymore. Everything has a very grey tinge to it. It doesn't bother me that my immediate family would miss me, maybe that's selfish, maybe it's cowardly. Maybe I'm both.

Day in and day out have been the same for awhile now. I'm not strong enough to handle anymore of it. The next three months I can see myself repeating the same motions I'm going through now. When school starts in the fall, maybe I'd try to join a club or make new friends but people would have already formed their own groups. My lack of social skills would exclude me from any cliques, I might meet a couple people in a lab group. Though they would think I was an idiot and not want me around because in actuality I don't belong in university, especially not in the major I chose. I would walk around campus looking at people smiling, chatting, having fun. When I get home I'd be tired and depressed. I'd probably get frustrated and end up dropping out again. If not my freshman year then sometime later.

I'm not envious of those having fun. I wish them the best of luck. I just don't want this to be my life and that's what seems inevitable. I'm weird, I'm awkward, I'm stupid, I don't want to play the game anymore.
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