A part of me is living on its own (splitting)

[TheDevilsRival]

I know it might sound crazy but I think it’s more common for the people that have experienced traumas throughout their childhood and even growing up.

I feel there’s a part of me who lives alone, who has developed her own beliefs, thoughts, feelings, vision of life and more…

I felt this part of me even more when I grow up as an adult. With my current relationship, the split got worse and sometimes I feel I’m swigging both sides, the one that I call “stable” and the “other side” When I get triggers that’s when I split, it can be many times a day, can stay for many days and sometimes (very rarely) I can be stable for a week. When I split to the “other side” of myself I feel no empathy, no love, almost like no fear, very similar to emptiness but in that moment if I split on my partner I’m very very cruel, heartless, I really do not care and sometimes I’m questioning myself “why am I in this relationship? I feel nothing for him at all” like I really don’t understand why I’m with him, I’m confused and I blame myself it’s like this part of me wants to be so much isolated, away from everyone and I often have this fantasy that one day I’ll leave him, got back to my country without telling him and just disappear. It sounds terrible but yet this part of me exist and I really struggle to understand myself but at the same time I really do get it.

Sometimes the crisis and the split go so bad I feel like I’m literally burning from the inside, I feel I’m dying so I have self harm thoughts, suicidal thoughts or even I want to hurt my partner and I get violent, I stopped hurting him during my crisis but unfortunately I went back to self harm recently even though it was one time and I’ve managed to be clean for years, I still have the same thoughts and feelings like I used to have but I just know now to control myself and endure more.

Those two versions of my mind impacts also how I view people or my goals in life and the vision that I have of myself, it’s kinda black and white I would say. I really struggle to be stable mentally it’s always the extremes. For example I have big dreams but sometimes I’m sitting to a place where I wanted to be since I was child and I’m thinking everything is pointless I just want to die I don’t want to be there. Same feeling with anything. I feel lost and confused all the time and when I’m splitting I’m just thinking about dying to have peace because I actually hate this life. And also every time I split I feel like I’m waking up from a fake dream it’s like i consider my “stable” state to be fake and the other side to be the real one.

When I was in my country I’ve had this amazing psychiatrist before I moved to live with my bf but unfortunately we didn’t continue and since then I’m not followed and I hate the country that I’m currently living in I don’t seek any mental help and try to avoid physical. But she mentioned the fact that I have clearly bpd symptoms.

anyways that’s it for today, take care everyone

 

[may71]

every time I split I feel like I’m waking up from a fake dream it’s like i consider my “stable” state to be fake and the other side to be the real one.

Do you also feel the same way when you transition from "split" to "stable"?

 

[TheDevilsRival]

Do you also feel the same way when you transition from "split" to "stable"?

hey, usually no, what I’ve noticed is that the stable to split is very brutal and sudden I would describe it as like I switch off the light. But the split to stable is very slow and progressive and after a few time I feel it wasn’t that bad, I don’t want to end myself no more or to harm myself or anybody else and I just continue my life like nothing happened almost. And usually it’s harder for me to go back to my stable state than to split

 

[may71]

When I was in my country I’ve had this amazing psychiatrist

I wish you could still have a psychiatrist like that.

I'm not an expert in these things, but it does sound like multiple personalities, which I think can go with trauma and BPD.

 

[Dante]

Let me just throw something out there that I recently experienced.

I got into a particularly emotionally charged argument recently. I am recovering from burnout and so I'm a little fragile and they pinned me into a corner from which I couldn't see any possible response. I felt trapped, overwhelmed and like I had no options left, and then everything inside me starts to shut down, like something inside me breaks and everything becomes hard. I feel nothing, no empathy, no kindness, the overwhelm is also gone, all that's left is this solidifying emptiness.

Let me tell you I rallied and came back focused, rational and cold. No empathy, no feeling, just "These are your options. You wont like any. Choose."

Afterwards I started coming back to myself, slowly, like my feelings were waking up inside myself. I felt shaky and unsettled, but kinda myself again, but it took hours to slowly come back.

My wife has only seen the full effect of this side of me once, and she said I came across incredibly cold and distant. Normally when I shut down like that I can be rather inoffensive, I just sort of go away mentally, but when I am confronted with a person who feels like an emotional threat in that moment, I can be uncharacteristically ruthless.

What I have described is called an Autistic Shutdown, more specifically a Functional Freeze or emotional shutdown. It is a built-in defence mechanism for an extremely overwhelmed autistic mind where all your emotions and empathy just get shut off. I did some research and it is remarkably similar to BPD Emotional Shutdown.

When Im like that nothing registers emotionally and I have even questioned why anything in my life I supposedly value is so damned important. I once self harmed in this state just to see if the pain or damage bothered me. I did not. All I had left was this vague confusion as to why I was like this.

Normally I am sociable and friendly and jokey, but in recent years the weight of "not being Autistic" has gotten so heavy. Some classic autistic traits I never had before are emerging and the divide between Autistic me and Masked me is growing sharper to the point that 5 or 6 years ago I thought I was developing split personalities for a while. Masking being the term for "not being Autistic" which is often done subconsciously without even noticing you are doing it until you just cant keep it up anymore.

Now, in case you have any preconceptions about Autism, many people cant tell, Im also married and am generally good with people when I put in the effort. Autism shows up very differently in different people, its not all "Rain Man" or "The Good Doctor", the latter of which I find kinda offensive, but hey, whatever.

Even when I'm not in a Shutdown, Autistic me sees things very differently to Masked me and is still much more emotionally muted, We have different hobbies, different preferences, different tolerances, in many ways we are polar opposites, but I have spent so long Masking that I identify the Mask as me and the Autistic one as something other. The tension between the two can also drive me insane. I often feel like one or the other is screaming in my head, and I believe this imbalance was what originally drove the depression that landed me on this forum way back when until I finally understood it.

If none of this is helpful, sorry for the long waste of your time, but if it kinda rings true for you, like yours did for me, it may be worth considering reading up on Autism (the version formerly called Aspergers). I also found the book "Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things? A Comedian's Guide to Autism by Pierre Novellie" to be so spot on it was like he was personally calling me out.

 

[TheDevilsRival]

I wish you could still have a psychiatrist like that.

I'm not an expert in these things, but it does sound like multiple personalities, which I think can go with trauma and BPD.

Thank you!
And I don’t think I have multiple personalities because I feel it’s still me, it’s just that this me is divided in two, but like I’m very conscious of both sides it’s just that by the years go by, I feel the separation more and more (because I guess I don’t get mental help) and I see two distinct minds thinking and feeling differently

 

[TheDevilsRival]

Let me just throw something out there that I recently experienced.

I got into a particularly emotionally charged argument recently. I am recovering from burnout and so I'm a little fragile and they pinned me into a corner from which I couldn't see any possible response. I felt trapped, overwhelmed and like I had no options left, and then everything inside me starts to shut down, like something inside me breaks and everything becomes hard. I feel nothing, no empathy, no kindness, the overwhelm is also gone, all that's left is this solidifying emptiness.

Let me tell you I rallied and came back focused, rational and cold. No empathy, no feeling, just "These are your options. You wont like any. Choose."

Afterwards I started coming back to myself, slowly, like my feelings were waking up inside myself. I felt shaky and unsettled, but kinda myself again, but it took hours to slowly come back.

My wife has only seen the full effect of this side of me once, and she said I came across incredibly cold and distant. Normally when I shut down like that I can be rather inoffensive, I just sort of go away mentally, but when I am confronted with a person who feels like an emotional threat in that moment, I can be uncharacteristically ruthless.

What I have described is called an Autistic Shutdown, more specifically a Functional Freeze or emotional shutdown. It is a built-in defence mechanism for an extremely overwhelmed autistic mind where all your emotions and empathy just get shut off. I did some research and it is remarkably similar to BPD Emotional Shutdown.

When Im like that nothing registers emotionally and I have even questioned why anything in my life I supposedly value is so damned important. I once self harmed in this state just to see if the pain or damage bothered me. I did not. All I had left was this vague confusion as to why I was like this.

Normally I am sociable and friendly and jokey, but in recent years the weight of "not being Autistic" has gotten so heavy. Some classic autistic traits I never had before are emerging and the divide between Autistic me and Masked me is growing sharper to the point that 5 or 6 years ago I thought I was developing split personalities for a while. Masking being the term for "not being Autistic" which is often done subconsciously without even noticing you are doing it until you just cant keep it up anymore.

Now, in case you have any preconceptions about Autism, many people cant tell, Im also married and am generally good with people when I put in the effort. Autism shows up very differently in different people, its not all "Rain Man" or "The Good Doctor", the latter of which I find kinda offensive, but hey, whatever.

Even when I'm not in a Shutdown, Autistic me sees things very differently to Masked me and is still much more emotionally muted, We have different hobbies, different preferences, different tolerances, in many ways we are polar opposites, but I have spent so long Masking that I identify the Mask as me and the Autistic one as something other. The tension between the two can also drive me insane. I often feel like one or the other is screaming in my head, and I believe this imbalance was what originally drove the depression that landed me on this forum way back when until I finally understood it.

If none of this is helpful, sorry for the long waste of your time, but if it kinda rings true for you, like yours did for me, it may be worth considering reading up on Autism (the version formerly called Aspergers). I also found the book "Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things? A Comedian's Guide to Autism by Pierre Novellie" to be so spot on it was like he was personally calling me out.

Hi, thank you so much for sharing your experience it’s actually really helpful because I feel less lonely. It’s very hard outside to talk about it because few people can relate to what I have.

The emotional shutdown that you described and talked about, I can relate a lot because sometimes when I have extreme crisis I literally put my head on the floor and stay like that for hours sometimes to calm my mind or my suicidal thoughts, it’s literally a paralysis that affects me physically sometimes…

Now if one day a psychiatrist tells me I’m autistic
I would say I’m not that surprised because I’m very sensitive to noise, like I hate the cinema or the tv some days when I feel not stable or triggered. I hate to talk to people sometimes because I feel I also have to fake and appear normal. When I was in middle school I was called “the crazy girl” because I had so much energy and was super instable with others and how i interacted with other kids.
On top of that I’m very very very creative, I’m drawing, dancing, makeup, doing exercises almost everyday and when for example I come home from work and I don’t have time to do all these things that I put in my mind to do, I can have a crisis and split. I don’t know if that’s sound autistic but I feel like I’m going super speed which gives me extreme anxiety (I bite my nails all the time)

Also when I have a crisis and then shut down, it’s never inoffensive, it’s like I have to be hurt or to destroy something. I think I have this issue because I grew up around violence with brothers beating each other and my dad to my mom and I learned to harm myself at a very young age so it’s like “every peaceful moment has a consequence”

Also one more thing, when my bf is there and he sees me split, he always tells me I’m so irrational like my mind is not there, and I think it’s true because when I’m in crisis I just feel everything until it explodes in me and feel nothing, no empathy, no fear, nothing and my other side of my mind called it “super power” because I feel nothing can harm me no more.

I will look into these books you recommended

 

[Dante]

Hi, thank you so much for sharing your experience it’s actually really helpful because I feel less lonely. It’s very hard outside to talk about it because few people can relate to what I have.

The emotional shutdown that you described and talked about, I can relate a lot because sometimes when I have extreme crisis I literally put my head on the floor and stay like that for hours sometimes to calm my mind or my suicidal thoughts, it’s literally a paralysis that affects me physically sometimes…

Now if one day a psychiatrist tells me I’m autistic
I would say I’m not that surprised because I’m very sensitive to noise, like I hate the cinema or the tv some days when I feel not stable or triggered. I hate to talk to people sometimes because I feel I also have to fake and appear normal. When I was in middle school I was called “the crazy girl” because I had so much energy and was super instable with others and how i interacted with other kids.
On top of that I’m very very very creative, I’m drawing, dancing, makeup, doing exercises almost everyday and when for example I come home from work and I don’t have time to do all these things that I put in my mind to do, I can have a crisis and split. I don’t know if that’s sound autistic but I feel like I’m going super speed which gives me extreme anxiety (I bite my nails all the time)

Also when I have a crisis and then shut down, it’s never inoffensive, it’s like I have to be hurt or to destroy something. I think I have this issue because I grew up around violence with brothers beating each other and my dad to my mom and I learned to harm myself at a very young age so it’s like “every peaceful moment has a consequence”

Also one more thing, when my bf is there and he sees me split, he always tells me I’m so irrational like my mind is not there, and I think it’s true because when I’m in crisis I just feel everything until it explodes in me and feel nothing, no empathy, no fear, nothing and my other side of my mind called it “super power” because I feel nothing can harm me no more.

I will look into these books you recommended

Other things to look up:
- Autistic Shutdown (in general) can look like just curling into a ball and not moving
- Autistic Meltdown, I get this one too. its the opposite of Shutdown. Emotions go haywire, everything is so much, even a slight inconvenience could make you literally scream. I probably seem genuinely unhinged except that I do my best to hold it in somewhat around people. (Though thats really not usually possible, and does more harm than good to the one holding it in) Its another result of an overloaded autistic mind.
- AuDHD, The common term for someone with Autism and ADHD, they often occur together which can be maddening because they are opposites a lot of time time.
- Craving routine and novelty
- needing peace but having endless energy
- wild emotions but also finding them exhausting
- endless stream of thoughts but also some that just stick and stay for ages
- need to plan things out mixed with impulsivity
- Focus and distractibility
etc

I will say though, that if you worked with a mental health professional before, they should have picked up this stuff if you had it. Anything I say is just something to consider, not grounds for a diagnosis. I work in IT, I'm not a mental health professional.

 

[TheDevilsRival]

Other things to look up:
- Autistic Shutdown (in general) can look like just curling into a ball and not moving
- Autistic Meltdown, I get this one too. its the opposite of Shutdown. Emotions go haywire, everything is so much, even a slight inconvenience could make you literally scream. I probably seem genuinely unhinged except that I do my best to hold it in somewhat around people. (Though thats really not usually possible, and does more harm than good to the one holding it in) Its another result of an overloaded autistic mind.
- AuDHD, The common term for someone with Autism and ADHD, they often occur together which can be maddening because they are opposites a lot of time time.
- Craving routine and novelty
- needing peace but having endless energy
- wild emotions but also finding them exhausting
- endless stream of thoughts but also some that just stick and stay for ages
- need to plan things out mixed with impulsivity
- Focus and distractibility
etc

I will say though, that if you worked with a mental health professional before, they should have picked up this stuff if you had it. Anything I say is just something to consider, not grounds for a diagnosis. I work in IT, I'm not a mental health professional.

Thanks, I know you’re not a mental health professional but I resonate a lot with what you’re saying… and it would make so much sense actually. But I’ll use this as a guide to help me know myself more.

 

[Dante]

Good luck on your adventures :P