and then there was none

[Fatman1966]

Well I told you it was coming.

My new found friend, the young lad that made me so happy has found a young lady he likes and has cast me by the way side

I don't know why this has upset me so much much, I knew it was going to happen, right from the start, I have been kind of mentaly trying to let him go for a couple of weeks now, but it doesn't make it any easyer.

Straight back into my old routine, which has made me really sad, same old silly questions, what have I done to deserve this, why me, am I that bad a person, all none-sense of course, but it still hurts.

If a str8 mate can get to me like this, what chance have I got with a gay "friend", you would think after all these years, I would have learned my lesson by now, never get too attached, as my brother put it, silly me for thinking, he liked me, and wasn't just a lonely boy, bored in a new place.

May be tomorrow thing will be different, I hope so......... but I wont hold my breath

 

[Terry]

Feck Paul..don't life just stink:sad:

 

[Fatman1966]

Oh err, guess who is skint again and turned up the other day, yep you guessed it, the "youth" suppose I am just getting a bit , bitter and twisted in my old age, it's only the 8th, he was paid on the 1st and he is now skint, mind you work owe him 400 quid in expences, so we will have to see if he dissapears again when has some more cash of his own.

Damn my luck for getting on so well with him, we went out last night, just the two of us and got on really, really well, time just flew by, and he seemed to really enjoy it it too, really relaxed and fun.

I must stop looking for love in all the wrong places, he's far too young, it would never ever work out, and he is STRAIGHT guess I have got a bit of a complusive, obsessive thing going off, which isn't really healthy or constructive, I suppose at some level, I am still holding on to the thought , that if it was ment to be, then, Mr Right will just appear in my life, like its destiny, which is of course complete rubbish, things don't just happen, well not for any way.

I need to leave him be and find a gay friends of my own, if I am to travel in those circles and stand a chance of meeting Mr Right, I guess the young lad is just a distraction, a really great guys though all the same, doh !

 

[Terry]

Paul hun, come on now you know this isn't going to work:hug:
Unless he's a secret bi or gay there is no way its going to happen.
I'm str8 and I know no matter how much I might like a girl she wouldnt be able to turn me :smile:
So come on, get out there and meet some like minded bods :hug:

 

[Blackness]

I'm sorry, that hurts like hell!
:hug:

 

[Fatman1966]

I have no intension of trying to turn him, lol lol lol, I like him too much for that, and anyway I'm not that charming, hehehehehe as far as I can see the whole tunring thing is rubbish any way, you either find the same sex atrrractive or not, no amount of old chat in the world can change that, once you get past those curious teen years, well thats the way it is for me any way.

The last thing inthe world I would want to do his hurt him like that.

 

[Kinetic]

Wow I know exactly how you feel
I also find myself getting attached to people that I know I won't ever have a relationship with, and it hurts like hell
Whenever I start to get attached I always remind myself "don't do it you will end up hurt" yet I still unconsciously ignore it and fall in love with people that just aren't destined to be with me

 

[Fatman1966]

Yeah its pants

I seem to have made a bit of a habbit of it

silly me

 

[Kinetic]

Yeah me too, but I have learned that time heals everything and also if you back away from that person it will be easier for you to forget him even though its quite hard you have to do for your own good I guess

 

[Fatman1966]

I dont know, I was talking to a friend the other day and he said something that has kind of stuck with me, he said " you only meet so many people in your life that turned out to be true friends or true loves " and I think he's right, but I seem to make such poor choices in both, there aren't many people I could call true friends and even less that I can call true loves, just once in a while it would be nice to get a break.

The young lad is a truely nice guy, easy going, considerate, a bit immature, lazy and niave, he reminds me of me in a lot of ways, I even deleted him out of all my phones at home the other day, when he found out, he came round and talked me into going out to the pub with him, then refused to drive me home, untill we had talked about it and I had put him back into my mobile, which was really nice.

But is it really healthy for me to let myself get so close to him, I know how it will end, I will do something horrible to force him to break away from me, I will deliberately hurt him emontionly, just so I can walk away in one piece, well that how it went last time I felt like this about a guy, even if it was 20 years ago.

Like I said, it would be nice to get a break every once in while

Ho humm.

 

[Terry]

Paul be careful hun I see heartache in all this :hug:

 

[Fatman1966]

Yeah me to, and it all seems a bit unfair.

Its not his fault, he really has been so good about the whole thing, he's just not wired the same way as me, I doubt he could feel the same way about me even if he wanted to, I suppose with him being such a great guy about it all, he's kind of creapt under my defences, he is the first person I have been truely honest with about everything, right from the start, in so many years.

If he was a little older and gay he would be the perfect, but I suppose everyone says that about people they have a crush on, I'm sure he has his faults just like the rest of us, after all no one really is perfect, guess I just can't see them right now, how mad is this at my age.

When a sit and think about it, it makes sad and cry a little, but I'm trying really hard to not let it get to me, if you put your heart out there, you have to expect a few little bumps along the way.

Maybe thats why I put this side of me away in a box for 23 years

 

[Fatman1966]

I'm just sooooo tired of this, some days I'm fine other days not so fine, days like today, a few loose comments in the pub and I'm back to square one, guess I just feel so cheated, I have always done the right thing, even when it really hurt me to do it, but yet still I keep getting walked on, at home and at work, may be I really am too nice for my own good.

Nice guys really do come last and some how that just doesn't seem fair to me

I try so hard, to be the best person I can be, but some how that just doesn't seem to be enough, life was so much simpler, when I didn't really care about any one or any thing

and thats just wrong !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Terry]

Oh God can so relate to that:ohmy:
I look back on a time when the only people who mattered to me where the kids and tho I wasn't exactly happy I was at least content.
Know what I think a bit of loneliness can be preferable to having the heart cut out of you. Caring for people really bloody hurts :sad:

Hope your day gets better hun :hug:

 

[Christianv2]

Well that sucks. Sorry it turned out for you that way, its easy to get attached to people when you really are looking for a special someone, they may not being searching as much as you are, and it can be heartbreaking. Hope everything turns out fine, You'll find another, theres plenty out there.

 

[silent_enigma]

"its pants" "skint"

I'm all confused here.

 

[Fatman1966]

They are both english slang terms

Its pants = its not not very good

Skint = Have no money

Was out with the youth again the other night, he really is on of the good ones, there is another guy that has just moved here for work, he is married but having to stop in a local hotel, so the youth invited him out, because this other guy was a bit down, stopping in a hotel for weeks on end, isn't fun, espicaily when you are away from your family, which I thought was kind of him.

We had a good time, drank a little too much beer, every thing was fine until the youths new found girlfriend turned up, suddenly I was very sad, not because of him and her being together, but because I will never have that and I don't really meen just with him, but with any one, ho hmmm

 

[LetItGo]

Im sorry Paul its not working out :sad: That must have been hard seeing his girlfriend turn up, that would knock me for six. Nothing worse than seeing happy couples together, especially new ones, lustful ones lol...exit, stage left for Matty at that point. You took it pretty well it seems, even though you knew he was straight etc...still not easy to see that.

I honestly dont think ill meet anyone either tbh, i dunno what keeps me going, blind zombie like stupidity? :unsure:. I hope you find someone, I still think you should keep him in contact if its not too painful, he could introduce you to someone, that leads to someone...etc etc..

 

[Fatman1966]

I didnt take it that well , was ok ish that night, had to be the other guy doesn't know I'm gay and I have no reason to tell him, was very down all the next day, spent most of it in deb and had bottle of wine later that day, which was a very very bad idea, ended up fealing very sorry for myself and crying quite a lot, which I havement done is ages.

I hope its a one off thing, but it is starting to feel like I am loosing my grip on things again, which is never a good thing.

On the plus side, if you can call it a plus, the youth has let me down twice since, promised to see me the day after, because he knew I was really upset and then promised to call me today, while I was drunk I sent him a "no matter whats happens, you have been a really good mate" text, neither of which has happened, probably because he's fast asleep in bed, he sleeps some very strange hours of the day but when I say I am going to do something for a mate I always do it, so his halo is starting to slip a little, which might help me get over this stupid crush I have on him, so in a way its a good thing, he's not perfect, there again I suppose its a lot to ask a 21yo lad to handle, he's only a boy, so I suppose dumping all the troubles of a 40yo gay man, that has had a real hard time coming to terms with his sexuality, itnt really fair of me either, there is no way he has had enough life experience to know how badly little things like this can make a vunerable person feel.

Do you think I ought to see my doctor, or a therapist and If I do, how do I go about telling them whats going on, bearing in mind, I harder ever go to the doctors at all, and am just not keen on talking to strangers like that ?

I do have a brother I can talk to, but he's not exactly supportive, I think he wishes the whoile thing would go away, I have always been the strong one, when he was in trouble, not sure how he would cope at all knowing I'm on the rocks !

I do have another brother, but he lives miles away, he's always been good with problem solving, but we never really got on the well, he is the only one that knows I came close to exiting stage left some years ago, but has never really talked to me about it or anything since I told him, he never bring that or the fact I'm gay up, since I told him several months ago.

Finaly there is the whole, time off work thing, I like work its the one place I can switch off to all this and just concentrate on doing a good job, but holding my emotions in, is starting to become a bit of a challenge sometimes, so how do you get things back on track, with out come out of it, looking like a complete basket case !

Ideas anyone ?

 

[Terry]

Don't know if it will help, but found this:

http://www.llgs.org.uk/