Back once again, confused, losts...

[PeterPetrelli]

Hi, I'm not new to this place. Infact, this is the first place I've returned to after leaving. Most forums I go to, I'm there for a while and then I just vanish because I couldn't take talking anymore or something. Over here I said I was going to kill myself, stayed to my decision and never logged on. I of course failed to even do something that simple. And I was embarrassed to even return here or to go to any forum like so.
But at least, everything became better. And I mean it, things got at least a little better for me.
But it didn't last long. And the problems have changed.

I return here with a different name because I don't know if anyone who read what I said would be mad at me, and one person knows what my other name is here, so I don't want her to know I'm posting here again.

My problem now is I'm coming back to that state I was in before. Today is the first time in a very long time that I've hugged my pillows while sitting up with no drive to get ready for work today. And worse is that every silent moment I get to think, the thought of my friend comes and I cannot distinguish if I feel happy or depressed anymore when I think of her. And she's probably the other problem.
When I wanted to kill myself, I told her because I knew she was across the globe and could not stop me, and she at least should know. And even though she tried her best to stop me, in a way she did. I was a bit miserable for a month after that, but then I had a reason to live.
We went to the same university together, so for some years we were like close friends. But I had to unexpectedly leave, at which time I sort of liked her even more. But because of other complications I didn't think that anything would work out, in a way I had given up. These complications were what drove me to kill myself.
My friend helped me to deal with them and then I realized that there was something worth living for. I loved my friend so much before, and I loved her even more when she helped me through.
So I promised her I would live, I would never try to kill myself.
I also told her that I love her and that she's worth fighting for, and I was going to change for the better.

After that, she only came online twice, and chatted for a short time once. And I've called her twice, once for Christmas. My phones is out, so I could only email her to wish her for the new year. And I emailed also once before when I estimated that
winter break begun over there. But she hasn't come online and said anything to me since October. Since then I've improved over who I am, not even looking back on my past worries which kept me down. And I believe that everything is alright and that each day is better than the last.
My new year's resolution is to be more of a man and to seek help when I need it.

Here I am in love with someone, but I'm starting to doubt myself. In the last couple of weeks I've been thinking a bit like my old self that hated everything.
Believe it or not, but I didn't even celebrate Christmas this year and I did a lot to block it out, even had tons of work to do on that day, only because my grandma passed away many months back and it was the first Christmas without her around. The only person I felt happy to call and wish for Christmas was my friend.
The thing is, my friend knew I was going to go over to where she is for Christmas, and she was looking forward to it too. But after I talked with her, telling her how I felt about her, I asked her if she was alright with me flying over, but she wasn't comfortable with the idea. So that was the other reason why it didn't feel like Christmas for me.

Pretty much because we are 'friends', and just that, it feels so messed up. And this isn't the first time I've been in love with a friend and that I tried to kill myself. And I know I'm not infatuated, there's a huge difference, but maybe I'm just become obsessed in the last few weeks. But I hear that love and friends don't mix well. This is the second friend I call the love of my life. And without my only friend I can talk freely about absolutely anything with, I feel dead. And I'm worried I may drive myself to that spot I was in again, and I don't want to ever say it's because of her. But I had found a reason to live, and it's her, and if she's not even going to chat a bit with me anymore then I don't see what's stopping me from making a drastic choice. I don't want to be friends with her anymore because that's probably what's in the way, if we became strangers again then maybe we can start over and maybe she can get to know the newer me. I don't want to push her into anything but I don't want to lose the only person I have left to care about. In about four months, it will have been 2 years since I was last with her face to face before I had to leave, but I want to just fly over right now just for a visit and to hang out like old times, but that's just me dreaming about a happy place again.

I'm just confused again, and I don't want to go to work even, but I already skipped 2 days. Everything I was working towards in the last many weeks I feel is about to collapse right now. I feel like I'm slowly going crazy again.
To stick to my resolution, I'm here again, because I need help. And the problems and the questions and the depression and the loneliness and pain won't just disappear in the way I want it to, I have to ask for help on this. Because I don't want to decide that it's my time, and I want to keep the promise I made and I want to live. But it feels like God is punishing me, so sometimes I believe telling my friend that I wanted to kill myself was a mistake, even if things were good after that for a while. If anyone can help me, please help me because I want to live.

 

[Fatman1966]

I know exactly how you feel.

For what ever reason, it doesn't really matter, I am in a similar situation, so as for advice, i don't really have any, because I am still working out what I am going to do.

My "friend" is another guy, a straight guy and I am in danger of building up this hole idea that we are in a "relationship" which just isn't really based on the reality of the situation, as much as I might like it to be, with this "friend" I decided to be completely honest with him right from the outset, I have told him everything, even about me almost committing suicide way back in 1999, told him I'm gay, told him I fancy the pants off him, yet still he is my friend and in a strabge kind of way I am finding that hard to deal with.

I have been and the way things are going might always be single, unloved, unattached, and my god that burns like fire some times, I too thought well this is gods way of punishing me, I am a bad person, I must be, because no one loves me or is attracted to me, I could take comfort in that, it wasn't my own doing, some higher power had it in for me, but that wasn't really true, people haven't love me because I haven't let them, I'm unloved because I haven't let myself love other people, why ? because I was scared of getting hurt, hurt like I did when i was a young man.

So now I have let myself feel emotions for someone else, and i have exspressed those emotions too him and been reject on the sexual front at least, we are still good friends, so it's kind of easy if you are carefull to carry one reguardless and build up this whole deep and meaningfull "realtionship", with a "friend", that isn't really based on what is actually happening in the real world.

So for me, I am truely madly deeply in love with the idea of being in love completely with someone that is just like my "friend", but and its a big huge but, something I have to remind myself of every day, that "someone" ISN'T my "friend", how could it be, he doesn't like me in that way and probably never will.

So what to do ? well for me I have so much love to give and no one to give it to, I'm partly to blame for that, for not letting other people see that in me, for not going out and trying to find that other person that will have those same thought and felling for me to, it's no one fault, no one is punishing me, its not something that is wrong with me, it's just something that happened in my life, it kind of just happened slowly over time, with out me really noticing, then the pain of being in that place, alone, unloved, empty, kind of clouded my judgement, a bit tlike having tooth ache, you can't think straight and do normal things, because the pain you are feeling blanks out almost everything else, so it can take a real long time, for you to see things clearly as they really are.

No answer I'm afraid, but I hope what I am going through helps in some way

 

[PeterPetrelli]

That may not help but maybe it does.

The next morning after I posted the above, I woke up at about 4 in the morning after dreaming that I was dancing with this girl. I was also feeling unusually happy again and I had suddenly set my mind on flying back. I don't consider that girl my friend anymore. And even though I promised I would not go until she was alright with the idea of me flying over, that was the promise I made to my friend. Since I don't consider her my friend anymore, I'm free to do what I want, so I'm flying over later this year because I so want to go and visit that place and walk around again on those streets. Plus I keep getting calls from people from there asking about when am I going to go back and pack up my things I just dropped onto other people, so I must clear those messes.
I'm done with being friends with this girl because I won't ever be able to talk with her freely about anything, and she doesn't want to talk to me online.
While I'm there, I will try to surprise her by waiting in the spot where we would hang out and eat lunch, and I'll ask her out, as a stranger. I won't let her call me by the name that she knows me by because that's the name I wanted people to call me when I was down and so emotional. My name that I grew up with, that's my real name. I won't even wear the same black colored and same style clothing she would expect that I would chose to wear, I'm changing that.
As a complete stranger, maybe she will get to know me.

But a wonderful thing happened, I had sent her a link to a youtube video some weeks back. She replied to me about it last week and chatted with me for a very short time. At first I was kinda in shock that she messaged me, but then I was happy to at least get a moment to chat about that video.
But I still don't think of her as my friend. She's just some girl I love.

I also have this great idea to surprise her when I go there. The only problem is I don't know if she will find it romantic or if she will freak out. All I know is that I got to take a chance or I won't get anywhere.

But the best part is I've called my friends recently, and they all want to help me improve my looks, so they are going out with me shopping so that I can finally change my looks to something better.

I guess maybe my luck is changing and the last few weeks I've been a bit happy with what I want to do.
Even if I end up walking into a brick wall in the end, I want to go ahead because I won't get anywhere if I don't try. If things don't work out, then all I'll be doing is cleaning up my things from there and flying back home and getting back to the only life I have left. I'll never go back and that's the worst I guess.
If things work for me, then nothing to worry about.