And it's also his birthday in the next few days. I still cry basically every time I think about him being gone, so clearly, I'm not even close to over it. I wanted to do something where maybe my brother and I could celebrate his birthday somehow and not make it a "sad" type of thing, if at all possible, but more so a celebration of his life. I'm just not sure how and not so sure I'll be able to get through it without breaking down at some point or other.
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Been a year since my dad passed.
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
They don't know that I'm still feeling this badly about it...my family, that is. They know I miss him, but they don't know everything I just mentioned because I hold all of the emotion back as much as I possibly can when it gets talked about. So if I did suddenly break down, I'm not sure it would make much sense to them.
I constantly wonder whether I'm being selfish. Am I just feeling guilty/sorry for myself because I didn't get my shit together in time? Because I never got the chance to even have one last conversation with him in fuck knows how long, until it was too late, and I no longer could?
Or is it that he may have died not knowing that I loved him as much as I did (which was also my fault if that was, indeed, the case)? Or that he never got to see me become a better person...someone he'd be proud of, rather than worried about?
Is a large portion of my grief rooted in guilt and shame about everything I should have done and didn't? Like, why didn't I try harder to show that I cared while I still could? Why was I so wrapped up in my own misery and bullshit on a daily basis that I couldn't even be bothered to show I gave a fuck?
It sure as fuck seems selfish from that perspective.
Of course, I miss him. Very much so. I just didn't think about it as much before because I thought I had more time. I wanted to come visit him so badly, but I knew I couldn't at that particular time. I thought I still had at least a few more years to get my shit together and do that...but in the process, I chose not to acknowledge the reality of the situation. Didn't want to accept that time might not be an option.
Or is it that he may have died not knowing that I loved him as much as I did (which was also my fault if that was, indeed, the case)? Or that he never got to see me become a better person...someone he'd be proud of, rather than worried about?
Is a large portion of my grief rooted in guilt and shame about everything I should have done and didn't? Like, why didn't I try harder to show that I cared while I still could? Why was I so wrapped up in my own misery and bullshit on a daily basis that I couldn't even be bothered to show I gave a fuck?
It sure as fuck seems selfish from that perspective.
Of course, I miss him. Very much so. I just didn't think about it as much before because I thought I had more time. I wanted to come visit him so badly, but I knew I couldn't at that particular time. I thought I still had at least a few more years to get my shit together and do that...but in the process, I chose not to acknowledge the reality of the situation. Didn't want to accept that time might not be an option.
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It seems to be that way with many people. They just don't realise how much time they have left to do or say what they wanted to a loved one until it's too late. That's when hindsight comes along and gives an almighty kick in the groin..
Maybe comfort can be drawn by cherishing his memory with the way you've pulled yourself around and are continually doing so as you are now.
Maybe comfort can be drawn by cherishing his memory with the way you've pulled yourself around and are continually doing so as you are now.
