Two years ago I got married. After that I had a eye surgery with ongoing complications which led me to be anxious and depressed. I worried a lot about my husband, as I really felt that I am not as good for him as he deserves. I even thought about leaving him so he could be with someone better, but he was always very kind, so I could not bring myself to it. I really tried to pull myself out of my misery and somewhat succeeded.
Last autumn we decided to move on with our life and try for a baby, which has always been my dream. I miscarried early on. We tried again in spring. This time I saw the babies heartbeat - it was the most amazing thing ever. Then my husband told me, that he actually does not want a baby, that everything happened so quickly and he had thought that when he agrees to "start trying for a baby" it will take longer. He also told me that he really does not want to be with me, that we have nothing in common and his wish, although the decision is mine, is for me to terminate pregnancy. I never had to make that decision as I miscarried couple of weeks later.
After that we decided to separate. We told our landlord, that we move out by the end of June. As the date approaches I am just so full of anxiety. I constantly feel that I don't have enough air, so I have to gasp every now and then to get some more. The stress of finding new home with my financial situation is really-really difficult. I am also really scared of choosing badly and ending up in a bad situation. I am just so overwhelmed and also angry at myself, as normal people would not stress about it like that.
Besides I feel like complete failure, as I am 34 years old. Everyone around me have either family or a successful career. I have neither and I know it is my own fault. My future seems so bleak and sad and all I want is to have someone to hug me.
I also saw a colleague today, whom I have not seen for a long time. She was heavily pregnant and she already has a toddler at home. All I could think was that I want to run away and think about something else, so I could just forgot what I saw. I know it is petty and horrible of me, but I am so jealous... And I am also angry at myself for being like that.
Oh, I ramble already. Maybe you could give me some creative ways how you try to calm your anxiety? I tried some guided deep breathing, did not do much.
Last autumn we decided to move on with our life and try for a baby, which has always been my dream. I miscarried early on. We tried again in spring. This time I saw the babies heartbeat - it was the most amazing thing ever. Then my husband told me, that he actually does not want a baby, that everything happened so quickly and he had thought that when he agrees to "start trying for a baby" it will take longer. He also told me that he really does not want to be with me, that we have nothing in common and his wish, although the decision is mine, is for me to terminate pregnancy. I never had to make that decision as I miscarried couple of weeks later.
After that we decided to separate. We told our landlord, that we move out by the end of June. As the date approaches I am just so full of anxiety. I constantly feel that I don't have enough air, so I have to gasp every now and then to get some more. The stress of finding new home with my financial situation is really-really difficult. I am also really scared of choosing badly and ending up in a bad situation. I am just so overwhelmed and also angry at myself, as normal people would not stress about it like that.
Besides I feel like complete failure, as I am 34 years old. Everyone around me have either family or a successful career. I have neither and I know it is my own fault. My future seems so bleak and sad and all I want is to have someone to hug me.
I also saw a colleague today, whom I have not seen for a long time. She was heavily pregnant and she already has a toddler at home. All I could think was that I want to run away and think about something else, so I could just forgot what I saw. I know it is petty and horrible of me, but I am so jealous... And I am also angry at myself for being like that.
Oh, I ramble already. Maybe you could give me some creative ways how you try to calm your anxiety? I tried some guided deep breathing, did not do much.
