Feel like I've had enough, learnt all of life's lessons solo and feel like it just me

[RedTerminator13]

Help me, be my psychotherapist in a sense and help to avoid having dark thoughts:

The problem I am facing: Being bullied throughout my childhood and secondary school life which led me to having issues developing meaningful relationships with people. I have no friends and just have a small group from university that I barely keep in touch with. I have only have had sex a handful of times with 2 people and the last time I had sex was 5 years ago. Growing up I had a sever porn addiction and depression and I'm afraid I cannot please someone sexually as I probably suffer from erectile dysfunction, I also have a hydrocele and varicocele and have decided against getting a fertility tests as it may confirm I cannot have kids which can lead to me becoming more suicidal than I already am.

I had no sense of direction my entire life with a clear career path and tried changing career paths in 2019 into software development but got laid off in late April and have taken a vacation for the month of June to reflect and think about my life. My experience with software development wasn't that great and my boss didn't want to give me any work, so I will struggle with any sort of interviewing process. I am afraid of my future, if I'll have enough money to go in trips and raise a family and enjoy life to its fullest abilities. How can I keep fighting if every step and direction I've taken hasn't led to success, I've been clueless my entire life and I probably have autism as I never really watched shows or TV growing up so I believe I struggle with the everyday conversations that people may have. I'm also not that visually attractive, have a below average penis and a receding hairline which doesn't motivate me to go on dates or meet people. Everything is driven by vanity whether its friends or relationships. My social life has also been non-existent most of my life, I have nos stories to tell so I'm a boring person.

 

[HamsterB0Y]

I know loneliness is a very sensitive topic, but you have to quit porn and become a real red terminator. Quit porn if you want to be with a women, and no, not all the time you spent on porn is a waste. I believe they can be a good use to spread kindness and love. What I said sounds really messed up but you will understand when you quit porn. You wont be able to do it in just one day but at least you want to get better. It will take years but keep trying because what does not kill you makes you stronger. You should try using BlockSite to help you go through porn addiction. I used to subscribe to that app and create password that I have no clue to help myself get through porn addict. I also did not have friends since I was in kindergarten because I had ADHD. It is sad but I have moved on now even though I still have no friends. Because 1) its not about how many friends you have 2) friends are created naturally 3) this world is a very big place and nobody in this world is truly alone. I am still socially awkward but I know myself I am not a bad person and you should accept yourself too. Accepting yourself can not be done in just one day but keep on trying. Because you do want your life to get better and have family.

Seriously though, lot of people watch porn, not everyone would had the guts like you to open about it. And small penis, I dont think it matters. Yes, there are people who prefer big but thats not the only way to impress ladies. Try other things like breakfast you know? The person should like you for who you are, if not they are not worth it. But yeah, you should quit porn because thats causing you to have erectile dysfunction + not very helpful for other goals. I think you are very strong person because I am younger than you and I can not watch porn anymore cuz im so exhausted everyday, even though I did nothing the entire day. I know you can go through all this and I really wish you have faith in yourself since I?believe you have potential. Become a real redterminator and rock the world of your future wife

 

[may71]

Sorry that you've had so many bad experiences and are feeling hopeless about the future.

help to avoid having dark thoughts:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a good treatment methods for depression when how you think is effecting how you feel, and it sounds to me like that's the case with you.

This book is one of the most highly recommended CBT books:

Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think
Dennis Greenberger, Christine A. Padesky

There are other CBT books out there though.

A proven method for boosting mood is to make a list of all the things that you're grateful for. It can be hard to think of things if you're feeling bad, but usually there are some things. It could be simple like being able to breathe, not having bombs dropped on you, having arms and legs, etc.

This is not to minimize or dismiss the problems that you have, it's just that thinking of what you don't have tends to make people less happy, and thinking of what you do have tends to make people more happy. Feeling better then also helps you to get your life onto a more positive track.

 

[RedTerminator13]

I know loneliness is a very sensitive topic, but you have to quit porn and become a real red terminator. Quit porn if you want to be with a women, and no, not all the time you spent on porn is a waste. I believe they can be a good use to spread kindness and love. What I said sounds really messed up but you will understand when you quit porn. You wont be able to do it in just one day but at least you want to get better. It will take years but keep trying because what does not kill you makes you stronger. You should try using BlockSite to help you go through porn addiction. I used to subscribe to that app and create password that I have no clue to help myself get through porn addict. I also did not have friends since I was in kindergarten because I had ADHD. It is sad but I have moved on now even though I still have no friends. Because 1) its not about how many friends you have 2) friends are created naturally 3) this world is a very big place and nobody in this world is truly alone. I am still socially awkward but I know myself I am not a bad person and you should accept yourself too. Accepting yourself can not be done in just one day but keep on trying. Because you do want your life to get better and have family.

Seriously though, lot of people watch porn, not everyone would had the guts like you to open about it. And small penis, I dont think it matters. Yes, there are people who prefer big but thats not the only way to impress ladies. Try other things like breakfast you know? The person should like you for who you are, if not they are not worth it. But yeah, you should quit porn because thats causing you to have erectile dysfunction + not very helpful for other goals. I think you are very strong person because I am younger than you and I can not watch porn anymore cuz im so exhausted everyday, even though I did nothing the entire day. I know you can go through all this and I really wish you have faith in yourself since I?believe you have potential. Become a real redterminator and rock the world of your future wife

I have been practicing nofap and have basically been abstinent from porn but sometimes I get a trigger and watch it. I am close to dropping it completely, but I don't know if I can perform well during sex since it's been close to 6 years since I've last done it, I've only had sex with 2 people and only a handful of times.

 

[RedTerminator13]

Sorry that you've had so many bad experiences and are feeling hopeless about the future.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a good treatment methods for depression when how you think is effecting how you feel, and it sounds to me like that's the case with you.

This book is one of the most highly recommended CBT books:

Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think
Dennis Greenberger, Christine A. Padesky

There are other CBT books out there though.

A proven method for boosting mood is to make a list of all the things that you're grateful for. It can be hard to think of things if you're feeling bad, but usually there are some things. It could be simple like being able to breathe, not having bombs dropped on you, having arms and legs, etc.

This is not to minimize or dismiss the problems that you have, it's just that thinking of what you don't have tends to make people less happy, and thinking of what you do have tends to make people more happy. Feeling better then also helps you to get your life onto a more positive track.

Thank you, it's definitely very hard most days. Will give the book a chance and see how it goes, psychotherapists are expensive