i just need to offload. I dont come on here much but I dont have many people to talk to. I'm not expecting anyone to read or reply I just need to get this off of my chest.
I've been getting slowly worse and worse. I'm struggling with my eating again. I dont want to eat but when i do it feels like i cant stop. My Sh is getting worse too. I work in hospitality and in summer wear short sleeves so i avoid my arms but i really just want to quit my job so i can hurt as much as i want. i also hate my job. I feel sick thinking about going the next day. I'm not sleeping well. waking up every 5 minutes, nightmares, feeling tired no matter how much i sleep. sleep paralysis.
Im not excited for summer as i have to go see family. i want to see my grandma {mums side) as she has dementia and doesnt have much longer left. shes deterioating quickly. but the rest of my family, all i get is misgendered and i hate it. its worse on my dads side but i dont see them much apart from my other grandma.
I want to go see my friends but i have no energy. i feel so bad bc i dont text much or go out much but i love them to bits. i just find it hard to be around people for more than a few hours. I just got a car and im getting used to driving it with my dad before i go out on my own on the roads. im stressed bc i feel like im an awful driver and im terrified of making a really bad mistake. my anxiety is through the roof. especially at work. i feel so incompetent and overwhelemed all the time and all i want to do is do a good job.
I go round my best friends house as much as i can. she makes me feel comfortable as shes understanding about my nighttime anxiety and my medical condition so i feel safe sleeping over. and she also has bad mental health so she gets me. shes always there for me and offers me to go round hers when everything gets too much at home. I love her to bits but ive been anxious about her and money recently. When i first started going round hers we both had no jobs. I had 20 quid a month from my mum and shed get a little bit from her mum as well. As she was bringing me round to her house i always bought the snacks and drinks from the shop as it only felt right. Then i got a job and and she still didnt have one so obviously i paid because its only right. Then she got a job too but she spent most of her paycheck within the first few days. We were both 18 now and so wed buy alcohol as well as snacks and go back to hers which meant that going to the shops was getting more and more expensive. At this point she was earning more than me and i needed to pay off my driving lessons and save up for a car. But i still paid for most of the things. Then at some point we came to the agreement of one day she buys the alcohol and drinks and id buy the snacks and the next day we would swap. i was more than happy with this as it meant i wasnt spending 40+ quid everytime i went round hers. Then she lost her job and it was back to me to be paying for things. I feel like im being a bit unreasonable as im the one always going to hers (as my mum doesnt let poeple round our house) so i always come to hers with dinner. But ive spent 3k on a car and on insurance and I'm upset because now the money i wanted to put towards my top surgery (which to me is more important that having a car) and so im now behind. I'm also worried that once i start driving and we're going out shes going to ask me to pay for take outs ect which i really cant afford right now. I did bring it up once and she said i always pay you back and i gave her a look and she said what I paid for alcohol when you paid for snacks and then the other way around which im so so greatful for but the amount of money i spent on all the other things probably comes to over 500. If i had lots of money id have absoloulty no problem paying everything for her as she deserves it and is worth it but unfortunantly i dont have a lot of money.
I feel really bad and guilty about it and I'm worried im being unreasonable. I dont want to hurt her feelings and put pressure on her whatsoever.
I just wish I could disappear so I could hide from all of these things. I know theyre not that big of a deal and theres bigger things i should be worried about but I'm worried everythings going to get too much again which is going to affect work and college.
I've been getting slowly worse and worse. I'm struggling with my eating again. I dont want to eat but when i do it feels like i cant stop. My Sh is getting worse too. I work in hospitality and in summer wear short sleeves so i avoid my arms but i really just want to quit my job so i can hurt as much as i want. i also hate my job. I feel sick thinking about going the next day. I'm not sleeping well. waking up every 5 minutes, nightmares, feeling tired no matter how much i sleep. sleep paralysis.
Im not excited for summer as i have to go see family. i want to see my grandma {mums side) as she has dementia and doesnt have much longer left. shes deterioating quickly. but the rest of my family, all i get is misgendered and i hate it. its worse on my dads side but i dont see them much apart from my other grandma.
I want to go see my friends but i have no energy. i feel so bad bc i dont text much or go out much but i love them to bits. i just find it hard to be around people for more than a few hours. I just got a car and im getting used to driving it with my dad before i go out on my own on the roads. im stressed bc i feel like im an awful driver and im terrified of making a really bad mistake. my anxiety is through the roof. especially at work. i feel so incompetent and overwhelemed all the time and all i want to do is do a good job.
I go round my best friends house as much as i can. she makes me feel comfortable as shes understanding about my nighttime anxiety and my medical condition so i feel safe sleeping over. and she also has bad mental health so she gets me. shes always there for me and offers me to go round hers when everything gets too much at home. I love her to bits but ive been anxious about her and money recently. When i first started going round hers we both had no jobs. I had 20 quid a month from my mum and shed get a little bit from her mum as well. As she was bringing me round to her house i always bought the snacks and drinks from the shop as it only felt right. Then i got a job and and she still didnt have one so obviously i paid because its only right. Then she got a job too but she spent most of her paycheck within the first few days. We were both 18 now and so wed buy alcohol as well as snacks and go back to hers which meant that going to the shops was getting more and more expensive. At this point she was earning more than me and i needed to pay off my driving lessons and save up for a car. But i still paid for most of the things. Then at some point we came to the agreement of one day she buys the alcohol and drinks and id buy the snacks and the next day we would swap. i was more than happy with this as it meant i wasnt spending 40+ quid everytime i went round hers. Then she lost her job and it was back to me to be paying for things. I feel like im being a bit unreasonable as im the one always going to hers (as my mum doesnt let poeple round our house) so i always come to hers with dinner. But ive spent 3k on a car and on insurance and I'm upset because now the money i wanted to put towards my top surgery (which to me is more important that having a car) and so im now behind. I'm also worried that once i start driving and we're going out shes going to ask me to pay for take outs ect which i really cant afford right now. I did bring it up once and she said i always pay you back and i gave her a look and she said what I paid for alcohol when you paid for snacks and then the other way around which im so so greatful for but the amount of money i spent on all the other things probably comes to over 500. If i had lots of money id have absoloulty no problem paying everything for her as she deserves it and is worth it but unfortunantly i dont have a lot of money.
I feel really bad and guilty about it and I'm worried im being unreasonable. I dont want to hurt her feelings and put pressure on her whatsoever.
I just wish I could disappear so I could hide from all of these things. I know theyre not that big of a deal and theres bigger things i should be worried about but I'm worried everythings going to get too much again which is going to affect work and college.
