Feeling utterly overwhelmed with no way out

[cookiemonste]

It hasn't gotten better, it got worse, ever since I first posted here in 2018.
I know what to do but I am unable to act upon it.
Nothing changed, really.
I am still alone, completely alone.
How to overcome this? Go out, see people!
Hit bars, talk to people, have a tea at a caffe, mingle with strangers.
But I don't do it. Why is that?
And when I do it, I just sit there, do my business in silence and after a while, I leave.
I feel utterly inferior to the people around me.

A friend keeps telling me the same thing, get out, meet people, go see a hooker.
Right now, he keeps hitting me with the "you don't do anything to change your misery so you must be content with it"
And that hurts the most. Because I am not.

Tried online dating with no success, given up on that.
Or the prospect of ever finding love and having a family of my own.
My dad just tells me to "cough up the money or you will never find anyone online".
As I challenged him to try these apps he just went on a rant how he knows things better since he's been around longer and that he will refrain from giving me advice since I will only blame him when it backfires.
He keeps treating me like a child and if I voice an opinion he doesnt like he just goes: "you should do some research before you open your mouth".
Or: "I've been around longer, I know things better than you".
Our relationship in general has cooled quite a bit, we have very different takes on things.
I felt that we got closer when I visited him after his heart surgery but that feeling is gone.

And the worst part, I have finally realised that I am an addict. I am a porn addict and ever since covid hit, when I realised it, I tried to fight it.
But I cannot win, I keep going back. This is also something my dad thinks: I'm just projecting, it's not real, he grew up with porn and is alright, and what does science know, he knows it better.
This hurts me the most, because I am wasting so much time with it. Precious time, that I will never get back. I am effectively raping myself every day.

I am almost 30, and the thought of living like this until I die of old age is too much for me.
Still at the same dead-beat job, where I have fallen out with the management.
It's making me sick, quite literally and physically.

I don't want to go on like this anymore, I don't see a way out.
Even the thought of what me killing myself would do to the little family I have left, doesn't change my mind, I feel nothing when I think about it.

I don't even enjoy my hobbies anymore.
The only thing that's bringing me joy, currently, is tinkering with bikes and riding bikes. I'm in the best shape I've been in a long time.
All I keep thinking of is that it would be wonderfull if I die in my sleep.
Even more worrying, I have found a method and the ingredients I need for it are not hard to get.
If things stay the same, I will give in some day.

I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[1Lefty]

I'm sorry that you're feeling that way, and that your situation is like that
I don't have any wisdom, or even insights

Loneliness is crippling,
even among people, we can still be alone, so just going to a bar or cafe probably won't change that
And people have different ways of dealing with loneliness, filling the void, or need for connection
I just want you to know you're important
We value you here

peace

 

[Anchorchain]

Your story touches me and I feel for you. But I don't have any answers to make your journey better for you.
Except that I encourage you to value yourself and actually believe that you're worthy of meaning, purpose and authentic relationships with people.
I hope you continue coming to this forum and sharing your experiences.

 

[Survivorist]

Whao, your story is making me sad. Being alone is something. Online is worthless. But I read as well that you are only 30 and

The only thing that's bringing me joy, currently, is tinkering with bikes and riding bikes. I'm in the best shape I've been in a long time.

.

So, if you are fit and like to ride bike - I would try to change my life completely. Maybe a stupid idea - but if I have something I know it helps me or feels good - I try to follow this. Death is finite - you can always do that. So if you like your bike - go on a long tour around the world. Or open a CO2 free delivery service in your town (via bike). It is never too late to change - but once you cross the border you do not come back.

Hang on, hug.

 

[Maniae]

I hate that you are going through this emotional torment of loneliness.
We often try to find romance when I believe that we should seek friendships w/o expectations. Maybe find someone whom you can enjoy hanging out with, then if romance develops it's a perk.

Often times when we are unhappy, it helps to bring happiness to someone else in our state of hopelessness.

Imagine creating a non-profit or low profit hobby of bike repair.
If you can get people to donate bikes that need repairs, you can fix them up and provide them to kids in your community who are not fortunate to have a bike.
People could donate old bikes, paint, tools, and other items to sometime offer customization.

It's not a fix all solution but in your misery you could bring joy to children.

Your family on SF could make donations if that is allowed.

Just gives you something to think about other than the woes of life.

Use your gift to bring happiness to others.

Who knows - you may find yourself teaching children how to ride a bike. That socialization opens potential to meet people to hang out with.

I wish you the best as you deal with your emotional health.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Do you feel like if you were no longer lonely and addicted to porn that you'd no longer feel suicidal?

 

[cookiemonste]

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Do you feel like if you were no longer lonely and addicted to porn that you'd no longer feel suicidal?

I would have something that would make me feel good then.

 

[ElleisForLisa]

It hasn't gotten better, it got worse, ever since I first posted here in 2018.
I know what to do but I am unable to act upon it.
Nothing changed, really.
I am still alone, completely alone.
How to overcome this? Go out, see people!
Hit bars, talk to people, have a tea at a caffe, mingle with strangers.
But I don't do it. Why is that?
And when I do it, I just sit there, do my business in silence and after a while, I leave.
I feel utterly inferior to the people around me.

A friend keeps telling me the same thing, get out, meet people, go see a hooker.
Right now, he keeps hitting me with the "you don't do anything to change your misery so you must be content with it"
And that hurts the most. Because I am not.

Tried online dating with no success, given up on that.
Or the prospect of ever finding love and having a family of my own.
My dad just tells me to "cough up the money or you will never find anyone online".
As I challenged him to try these apps he just went on a rant how he knows things better since he's been around longer and that he will refrain from giving me advice since I will only blame him when it backfires.
He keeps treating me like a child and if I voice an opinion he doesnt like he just goes: "you should do some research before you open your mouth".
Or: "I've been around longer, I know things better than you".
Our relationship in general has cooled quite a bit, we have very different takes on things.
I felt that we got closer when I visited him after his heart surgery but that feeling is gone.

And the worst part, I have finally realised that I am an addict. I am a porn addict and ever since covid hit, when I realised it, I tried to fight it.
But I cannot win, I keep going back. This is also something my dad thinks: I'm just projecting, it's not real, he grew up with porn and is alright, and what does science know, he knows it better.
This hurts me the most, because I am wasting so much time with it. Precious time, that I will never get back. I am effectively raping myself every day.

I am almost 30, and the thought of living like this until I die of old age is too much for me.
Still at the same dead-beat job, where I have fallen out with the management.
It's making me sick, quite literally and physically.

I don't want to go on like this anymore, I don't see a way out.
Even the thought of what me killing myself would do to the little family I have left, doesn't change my mind, I feel nothing when I think about it.

I don't even enjoy my hobbies anymore.
The only thing that's bringing me joy, currently, is tinkering with bikes and riding bikes. I'm in the best shape I've been in a long time.
All I keep thinking of is that it would be wonderfull if I die in my sleep.
Even more worrying, I have found a method and the ingredients I need for it are not hard to get.
If things stay the same, I will give in some day.

I don't know what to do anymore.

As I was reading your post I felt so much of what you were saying. Two parts that hit me really hard is how you worded that watching porn and…is like raping yourself fuck that was a hard word to type but it actually gave me a perspective on maybe why I’m not as sexual is because I can’t even handle that because it feels just as that exact word no matter how I try and to get to the level of “normal” for someone my age who is I want to say survivor but the fact is that I don’t deserve that title. the second point was you have a plan. So do I, pretty solid it’s taken years to obtain all the information from other patients and people who’s attempts failed and the ones that seem to have had better results. Can I just say when people are telling you to go out and do whatever it is they’re suggesting, is it things you yourself want to get out and do? I found it better to keep to myself because I couldn’t handle all the “well you should be doing this or trying that if you feel so awful” and I’m the one who knows what I want to do when I have the energy or what I wish to do with it in those little precious moments. You say you like your bikes and maybe I’m completely wrong but I can see why “out to the coffee shop” may not be appealing. I mean as it’s not appealing to me as when I do anything and someone tells me I should join a class or group for that and I have to politely say no thank you until I’m screaming I want to run in the dark alone at night not at a gym or paint the shit out of my canvas with some crazy ass music playing in the background I don’t find these things in group or in harsh synthetic lighting. Am I completely off with what you’re trying to say here? If so it is sincere when I say for that I am sorry if I have misinterpreted what you are conveying. I’m new here and I do want to thank you on that perspective your post gave me on myself even if my reply is complete shit and unhelpful. It’s awful reading what you’re going though and if there was a way to ease others pain I’d do it in a second but in all this mess please know you helped me in a weird way but you did. I’d say that counts for something so thank you

 

[cookiemonste]

I hate that you are going through this emotional torment of loneliness.
We often try to find romance when I believe that we should seek friendships w/o expectations. Maybe find someone whom you can enjoy hanging out with, then if romance develops it's a perk.

Often times when we are unhappy, it helps to bring happiness to someone else in our state of hopelessness.

Imagine creating a non-profit or low profit hobby of bike repair.
If you can get people to donate bikes that need repairs, you can fix them up and provide them to kids in your community who are not fortunate to have a bike.
People could donate old bikes, paint, tools, and other items to sometime offer customization.

It's not a fix all solution but in your misery you could bring joy to children.

Your family on SF could make donations if that is allowed.

Just gives you something to think about other than the woes of life.

Use your gift to bring happiness to others.

Who knows - you may find yourself teaching children how to ride a bike. That socialization opens potential to meet people to hang out with.

I wish you the best as you deal with your emotional health.

Sex is not that important to me. If I wanted that, I would have gone down to the redlight district a long time ago.
I just don't want to be alone, this lonelisness is the worst. It really kills me.
But at the same time, I am scared to go out and be with people, I always feel like I have to keep a facade up, let it be the perfect host or something different.
I am scared to fail and that lets me fail on the spot because I don't try it, I just assume failure and suck it up.

 

[Survivorist]

Being and feeling lonely is hard. You can check - most will tell you: join a club (you do not even have to talk or to fulfill any social rules), get a pet, do something social, walk, do sports, charity, open an online channel for lonely people, try yoga etc. The thing that works the best - and worked the best for me (I had no other choice) was turning loneliness into solitude. I do what I can - writing stories, poems, making drawings and reading a lot, making music... I even started to read the Bible. The sad thing is, the more we want something - the more difficult it is, to get it.
You said

But at the same time, I am scared to go out and be with people, I always feel like I have to keep a facade up, let it be the perfect host or something different

. I think you overestimate others and the public. Most of the people around us (family excluded) simply give a shit. They are so egoistic, concentrated on themselves and their problems, they will not even see or take notice of you. Most of the people do not even like to be talked to or bothered. So really no risk. And cherish what you have - you are free (not in prison or handicapped). Your addiction I will not comment - it's your business. If you know its not good - you can as well try to stop it.

 

[cookiemonste]

I would like to ask you folks a question.
I've talked to a friend of mine today and again, we ended up talking about me.
He went on, again, how I want this, since I am not doing anything. He even shut me down when i told him I want to change and don't want to live like this.
If I wanted out of this misery, wouldn't I do something about it? Try to change?
I am not doing anything, for 99% of the time, I am hiding away at home, behind my PC, just feeling like shit.
Have I made my mind up and chose this path?

Because I don't know.

 

[Anchorchain]

You do want out of your misery but you don't know how to bring that about.
I still don't have answers that I know are right for you, however I will suggest that you look for activities where it's likely you'll meet some authentic, well intentioned people. Public service oriented volunteerism for instance.
At a volunteer type function the focus is on doing useful things with other people.......the social contact is a good side effect. Rather than having to figure out what to say or how to act like in a purely social venue like a nightclub, you get to demonstrate your ingenuity, brains and altruistic commitment to the public good. Authentic people like those qualities in a guy.

 

[may71]

Have I made my mind up and chose this path?

I don't think you have. I think what your friend doesn't understand is that you can have conditions like depression that can make doing things hard. It's easy to say do this or that to make things better, but it can be much harder to do, even assuming that the changes are something that would actually help.

At the same time, it's typically necessary to do something to make things better.

In your last thread I think you had considered medication or therapy, but were encountering some obstacles with that.

 

[cookiemonste]

I did have therapy in the end, was at a clinic for 8 weeks. That made things better for a while.
The problem I have is that I find it very hard to escape the lethargy. Even when it's simple things, I get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Could be something as simple as tidying up.

I've registered for another therapy that will start on the 8th if all goes well.

 

[may71]

I hope therapy helps. There are also some other treatments that might help too.