I just found yesterday that I will need dialysis soon.
I hate everything about my life; no friends, no money, I feel hideous looking (and having a tube sticking out of me will just make me even more unattractive). Plus I have a tainted past that makes me feel like I will be rejected by anyone I even try to be friends with. This needing dialysis is just one more thing to hate about my life and I'm not sure that my life is even worth prolonging anymore.
I'm so lonely I can't stand it. Feeling undeserving and knowing that I will never have a romantic relationship again is enough to make me want to just refuse treatment and leave this world. Self-pity? Probably, but it's just how I feel. I crave love and affection so much it's killing me. The most worthwhile times in my life, though few, were when I was in an intimate, loving relationship.
I've probably posted on this same topic before but I just need to vent and maybe figure things out by writing about them. I feel crappy physically a lot of the time but am still prolonging the inevitable.
And to top it off I have a mother, with cancer, who needs me. I feel like such a smuck because I'm trying not to be selfish about it though sometimes I'm resentful because I feel like if she didn't need me I could just leave.
Anyway, I'm so overwhelmed by everything I'm almost frozen in place - not knowing what to do.
I hate everything about my life; no friends, no money, I feel hideous looking (and having a tube sticking out of me will just make me even more unattractive). Plus I have a tainted past that makes me feel like I will be rejected by anyone I even try to be friends with. This needing dialysis is just one more thing to hate about my life and I'm not sure that my life is even worth prolonging anymore.
I'm so lonely I can't stand it. Feeling undeserving and knowing that I will never have a romantic relationship again is enough to make me want to just refuse treatment and leave this world. Self-pity? Probably, but it's just how I feel. I crave love and affection so much it's killing me. The most worthwhile times in my life, though few, were when I was in an intimate, loving relationship.
I've probably posted on this same topic before but I just need to vent and maybe figure things out by writing about them. I feel crappy physically a lot of the time but am still prolonging the inevitable.
And to top it off I have a mother, with cancer, who needs me. I feel like such a smuck because I'm trying not to be selfish about it though sometimes I'm resentful because I feel like if she didn't need me I could just leave.
Anyway, I'm so overwhelmed by everything I'm almost frozen in place - not knowing what to do.
